Would you turn Liz's first page? Be tough. Comments help the writer.

4 Comments

  • Sherry - 14 years ago

    I thought it was a very good opening. I would turn the page, and if I was in a bookstore, I might even purchase it the book..

  • Rick - 15 years ago

    I like it. Except for a few mechanical suggestions - I felt it.

    Try to stay as close to the character as possible. See, feel, smell, - tense, passionate - you feel the commitment of your soul.

    I would like to see more of this. I think the mixed language is good. There is enough English to translate. I would buy this.

  • Deb - 15 years ago

    Jesus is on the crucifix chained around his neck.

    hot, sticky rivulets you would feel and not need to see.

    And to me, saying his left or right arm would take you out of the story.

    English translation works for me since I don't speak Spanish

  • Doug - 15 years ago

    An interesting and very promising start, but I felt that it was jumbled out of order. As a result it was hard to follow.

    Opening line: would it hurt to name Rafe at the beginning instead of referring to him as "he"? There are two "he's" named in that paragraph. Give me a referent for the pronoun.

    Who is Jesus and why do I care?

    The absence of the past perfect on "He feared she was dead" that Ray pointed out really jerked my head around. I couldn't figure out who "she" was. It stopped me dead in my tracks. If you change nothing else, fix that.

    The time frame for the story wasn't at all obvious until the "telling detail" about the Armani suit at the end of paragraph 6.

    Between not knowing the time frame and the total absence of any setting information, I originally made the incorrect assumption (due to the ethnicities and use of Spanish) that this was probably a period piece set somewhere south of the border.

    Craft stuff:

    At the end of the first paragraph, adding the English translation strikes me as repetitive.

    Paragraph 3 (Aleesia): The absence of the inverted exclamation marks jarred against the presence of the accent on the word Papá. I would say that these should be italicized as well.

    Paragraph 5: Italicize "Papá". Does Rafe not react, have no feelings about this action? That seems very unlikely.

    Paragraph 6: In addition to Ray's PoV comments, Rafe cannot see the rivulets of blood down his back and under his arm. I'd like to know which arm he was shot in, just for easier visualization.

    Agree with all of Ray's comments.

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