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Nation, I'm a humble man. I'm just like Jesus. He was a carpenter. I assemble IKEA furniture.
Created: 2009-02-24 02:15:09 | Votes: 122 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
I don't believe a comedian should be allowed to run for public office.~Stephen Colbert
Created: 2009-01-05 03:37:16 | Votes: 166 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
We're gonna go get us some banana pudding motherf@#ker!
Created: 2008-12-10 21:00:03 | Votes: 118 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Sassy Chihuahua
Created: 2008-12-09 18:12:48 | Votes: 90 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
I don't want to let the cat out of the bag. That cat knows what it did and it needs to be punished.
Created: 2008-12-08 15:51:06 | Votes: 69 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
We Humbled Him!
Created: 2008-12-04 18:02:05 | Votes: 96 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
I'm not making this stuff up. I'm imagining it.
Created: 2008-12-03 21:40:26 | Votes: 60 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
If you're looking for an inexpensive way to heat your home, might I suggest a grease fire?
Created: 2008-12-02 21:13:28 | Votes: 78 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
I'm back from Thanksgiving break. Now you have something to be thankful for. This is the Colbert Report!
Created: 2008-11-19 21:51:54 | Votes: 103 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Everybody knows, if you say anything in hippie-speak, it's not true.
Created: 2008-11-18 21:49:20 | Votes: 92 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
As we've learned, the more time you spend on television, the more qualified you are to lead.
Created: 2008-11-17 21:44:16 | Votes: 82 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
And, trust me, this is a good middle finger. I still use it all the time.
Created: 2008-11-13 21:28:00 | Votes: 126 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Once again, doctors have solved women's hormonal problems with more hormones.
Created: 2008-11-12 21:56:10 | Votes: 101 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Double-O Stephen
Created: 2008-11-11 21:37:46 | Votes: 157 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Felicem Natalem Diem
Created: 2008-11-06 21:23:41 | Votes: 170 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
OBAMAAA!!!
Created: 2008-11-05 22:09:56 | Votes: 99 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
The Final Endgame Alpha Action Go Time Lift-Off Decide-icidal Hungry Man's Extreme Raw Power Ultimate Voteslam Smackdown '08 No Mercy: Judgement Day '08
Created: 2008-11-04 20:11:19 | Votes: 194 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
If the issue couldn't be boiled down to three syllables, it wasn't worth screaming.
Created: 2008-11-03 20:11:30 | Votes: 78 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
I'd like to thank all the people who make this show possible. Thank you, Stephen Colbert!
Created: 2009-01-07 03:13:04 | Votes: 110 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
It's the year of the ox. Good, I was getting sick of eating rat.
Created: 2009-01-08 03:46:20 | Votes: 92 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
The hills are alive with the sound of WOLVES! Run, Maria, Run! This is the Colbert Report.
Created: 2009-01-09 02:36:05 | Votes: 142 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Kung Fu Panda Will Burn in Hell
Created: 2009-02-13 03:47:56 | Votes: 152 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
I'll never use steroids to get stronger. I just use them for the 'roid rage. This is 'The Colbert Report.'
Created: 2009-02-12 03:30:04 | Votes: 137 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Let's agree to disagree with anybody who disagrees with me. This is 'The Colbert Report!'
Created: 2009-02-11 03:27:13 | Votes: 102 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Welcome to the Report. We really ought to do this more often.
Created: 2009-02-10 04:28:50 | Votes: 117 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Don't put off until tomorrow what your team of assistants can do today. This is 'The Colbert Report.'
Created: 2009-02-06 03:44:06 | Votes: 96 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Here's a brain teaser for you. Your brain is ugly. This is 'The Colbert Report!'
Created: 2009-02-05 03:51:54 | Votes: 175 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Hey, Lady Liberty! Isn't it time you settled down and found yourself a man? This is 'The Colbert Report!'
Created: 2009-02-04 01:26:07 | Votes: 107 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
If you can't discriminate against women, what is the point of hiring them?
Created: 2009-02-03 01:13:50 | Votes: 98 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Scotch tape, either change your name or get me drunk! I nearly choked last night. This is 'The Colbert Report!'
Created: 2009-01-30 03:36:47 | Votes: 125 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
What do I have to do to get nominated for an Oscar? Make a movie? This is 'The Colbert Report!'
Created: 2009-01-28 14:39:17 | Votes: 154 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
America, here's my stimulus package - Hello, ladies! This is 'The Colbert Report!'
Created: 2009-01-28 03:24:31 | Votes: 114 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Hey, Iceland! You can't make a molotov cocktail with yogurt.
Created: 2009-01-27 03:12:21 | Votes: 196 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
The hand of satan is where it has always been - in Dick Cheney's study, where he uses it to make wishes.
Created: 2009-01-23 03:04:38 | Votes: 72 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
It's my way or the tollway. No free rides. This is 'The Colbert Report!'
Created: 2009-01-16 03:30:08 | Votes: 89 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
I believe Martin Luther King also said, "Follow the money."
Created: 2009-01-15 03:29:01 | Votes: 93 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
A house divided against itself cannot stand. It's worth squat in this market anyway. This is the Colbert Report!
Created: 2009-01-14 03:07:03 | Votes: 96 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. I am shameless. This is the Colbert Report!
Created: 2009-01-13 03:31:01 | Votes: 81 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Oh, and remember the time he picked Sarah Palin? *falls off chair laughing* I totally get it now!
Created: 2008-10-29 22:06:44 | Votes: 104 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto.
Created: 2008-10-28 22:02:35 | Votes: 115 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Fire Bad. Bush Good.
Created: 2008-10-27 21:22:41 | Votes: 92 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Who shot this crap?
Created: 2008-09-17 20:53:31 | Votes: 122 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
How does a supposed nerd not know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek?
Created: 2008-09-16 22:02:50 | Votes: 91 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Jesus died for your spin!
Created: 2008-09-15 22:13:48 | Votes: 133 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Now, unfortunately, all those speeches leading up to John McCain, led up to John McCain.
Created: 2008-09-05 22:23:58 | Votes: 74 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Warning! I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.
Created: 2008-09-04 22:13:58 | Votes: 93 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
The Republicans finally have their convention, just when you thought Minnesota couldn't get any whiter.
Created: 2008-09-04 07:39:24 | Votes: 97 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Now, are those your brains on the floor, or did I just blow your mind?
Created: 2008-09-02 21:33:04 | Votes: 114 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Who the F**k is Sarah Palin?
Created: 2008-08-29 06:51:05 | Votes: 140 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
4 + 3 = 9!
Created: 2008-08-28 17:58:12 | Votes: 78 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Oh no! Not a liquid leash!
Created: 2008-08-27 19:12:21 | Votes: 112 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Ooh, the Cryptic. A seven-letter word for “I’ll Never Finish It.”
Created: 2008-08-25 21:59:15 | Votes: 133 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
We haven't had a good naked war in a long time.
Created: 2008-08-14 21:18:43 | Votes: 156 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
President 404 Error: File Not Found
Created: 2008-08-13 21:28:16 | Votes: 106 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
What's a Mitt Romney?
Created: 2008-08-12 20:46:33 | Votes: 95 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Begin spontaneous chants now.
Created: 2008-08-10 21:11:39 | Votes: 163 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Take everything I say with a grain of salt because my new sponsor is salt.
Created: 2008-08-07 18:39:24 | Votes: 117 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
If it ain't broke, let me at it.
Created: 2008-08-06 07:43:18 | Votes: 132 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
I know the knife is supposed to go next to the spoon, but where does the gun go?
Created: 2008-09-18 21:49:14 | Votes: 119 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Hindsight is $2020 Billion
Created: 2008-09-23 22:03:52 | Votes: 199 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Just say no to nouns.
Created: 2008-09-24 22:31:18 | Votes: 144 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Say it is so, Joe!
Created: 2008-10-23 22:03:48 | Votes: 81 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
For Pete's sake, who knew there still was a middle class?
Created: 2008-10-22 22:03:28 | Votes: 147 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Now, let's get out there and smite some butt.
Created: 2008-10-21 22:26:05 | Votes: 135 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Every cloud has a cheap tin lining.
Created: 2008-10-20 18:34:03 | Votes: 89 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
I got you something, America. You're welcome!
Created: 2008-10-16 20:16:06 | Votes: 133 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
I love me some mindless chanting.
Created: 2008-10-15 21:31:50 | Votes: 109 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Wow, that's like shipping bullsh*t to Washington.
Created: 2008-10-14 21:49:56 | Votes: 69 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Sweet Jesus, I live in a shipping container!
Created: 2008-10-13 20:05:22 | Votes: 134 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
It is not genius level jazz if it sounds like music.
Created: 2008-10-09 21:40:00 | Votes: 77 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Women cannot resist sweet talk about weatherizing their homes.
Created: 2008-10-08 21:51:04 | Votes: 143 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Obama is Da Bomb!
Created: 2008-10-07 21:57:58 | Votes: 140 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Why must the police always frame O.J. Simpson?
Created: 2008-10-06 20:59:24 | Votes: 95 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Don't f**k with me, man!
Created: 2008-10-02 21:04:01 | Votes: 161 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
"Vote" McCain
Created: 2008-10-01 19:48:51 | Votes: 103 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
A lot of people talk about loving the earth, but how many of them actually penetrate it?
Created: 2008-09-30 21:38:04 | Votes: 91 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Do as I say, not as I panic.
Created: 2008-09-29 22:41:00 | Votes: 147 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Oh, I love loving!
Created: 2008-09-25 21:59:04 | Votes: 175 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
Sorry! Technical Difficulties.
Created: 2008-08-06 00:08:26 | Votes: 128 | Comments: 0 | Status: Open
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