Your strongest opening is the second one if you drop the first paragraph. The second paragraph grabs you and would make a great opening. If information in the first paragraph is vital, sprinkle it in later.
Just my opinion, but try it and think it over.
Good luck -Craven
John V - 15 years ago
No turn - the first coupla paragraphs were over-written - webs/trail of breadcrumbs/ping-pong is too much.
Your strongest opening is the second one if you drop the first paragraph. The second paragraph grabs you and would make a great opening. If information in the first paragraph is vital, sprinkle it in later.
Just my opinion, but try it and think it over.
Good luck -Craven
No turn - the first coupla paragraphs were over-written - webs/trail of breadcrumbs/ping-pong is too much.