Would you turn Ray's first page? Be tough. Comments help the writer.

5 Comments

  • Rayne - 15 years ago

    I think you're very brave to post your novel beginning publicly and to invite criticism; especially on a website promoting your own editing services. Few people would have so much confidence and courage. Congratulations.

    I clicked 'no' for the vote. I'd have preferred a 'maybe' or 'yes, but' vote, but no such option is available, so I clicked 'no'. I don't know whether I would turn the page or not. It depends on what other reading material was available. :-)

    The beginnign is not bad, it just doesn't grab me. It's probably just a matter of personal taste. Other readers may be ecstatic.

    There's just one specific - very minor - matter that I think might be improved: Many paragraphs start with a name. So many paragraphs start with a name that the effect is monotonous.

    Maybe you've done this deliberately, aiming to create mild monotony for artistic purposes. If so, please ignore my comment.

    On the other hand, the subject matter seems to call for excitement rather than monotony, so perhaps it might be a good idea to restructure some of the sentences so they don't start with a name.

    I hope these thoughts are useful in some small way.

    Best wishes

    Rayne

  • John V - 15 years ago

    New cover text: 1) As already noted, too many characters. Focus on two or three and dump the rest. 2) The description of Chicago life is confusing as it seems she moves to Oregon anyway. 3) Jake saves the man he's supposed to kill? More confusion. 4) Oregon has decided to do away with the second, fifth and eighth (forced brain surgery is certainly cruel and unusual) amendments - why is COVERT action needed? Seems to me the feds would have rounded up the OR state government by now. I'm suspicious that I won't buy into the setup. ... FIRST PAGE: 1) If Jake's the main character, I suggest using him in the opening. 2) I don't like the "Like Daddy used to say..." line. 3) Other than that it was OK. Again, I'd prefer to start with Jake in action.

  • J.C. Towler - 15 years ago

    Lisa and Debbie have pointed at the most glaring issue with the flap. Started off okay, though I'd use "murder" instead of "killing". In P2, there was only a tenuous relation between S1 and S2. Went downhill from there. It's a draft, so I won't keep lashing.

    .. ... .... On the opening. May I be so bold as to suggest this rewording:

    "Kurt Dengler aimed his grandfather’s .45 at Noah Stone, cocked the hammer and squeezed the trigger. The firing pin clicked on the Colt's empty chamber. Stone's visage smiled up (at the automatic's muzzle from) *last week's?* Time Magazine cover; the headline read, “Pied Piper of the West.”

    .. ... ... (part in paranthesis, not sure you need and anyway it lets the reader interpret what the picture is "looking" at. Me, I had in mind it was mocking Dengler. The * last week's * is just a suggestion to build a time frame/reference for events) .. ... ....

    You've got an opening with a guy shooting a picture with an unloaded gun. Rasies questions, but why not go for the extra jolt? In his mind Dengler is shooting Stone...entering his fantasy, if only for a moment, is a stronger start .. ... ... In any case, The line "there was no hole..." is kind of self-evident and if he's pointing a gun at his picture, he's certainly not on his Christmas card list, so the "enemy" thing is redundant too.

    My flailing attempts at revision aside, I'd have kept going at this point.

    --John

  • LisaP - 15 years ago

    Ray, I would turn the first page, but probably wouldn't have picked up the book from the flap
    copy. There were just too many characters thrown in there. It was too "busy". Sorry, JMO.

  • Debbie Green - 15 years ago

    Ray,

    I think you're are a master. However your character was too much of a stranger. If he knew the president so well, I would think he would call him by his name. The feelings were missing. He was too cold, and you know exactly how to fix it. I know you do, I have your book. Your jacket flap was too detailed, too many characters, and made my head spin, boring me within seconds. You are the master, fix it. Draw me in, make me feel your character. It could be too he is supposed to be so detached, if so I can't say I would want to read about him. So maybe I am not a good judge at all.

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