I still struggle with what constitutes "overwriting" and what is simply colorful descrption. Maybe the "overwriting" here wouldn't be so bad if there was less of it. Some of the crit/comments seem to make the narrative a bit on the bland side. In particular, I thought highlighting the removal of the shoes was something I would never have suspected as "overwriting". Why are the details important? Maybe they are not. But there are people in this world who reach down and pull off their shoes, bend their knee while standing and take them off (particularly sexy with women) and then there are those that kick them off. The point is, the description MAY show a little bit about the character (lazy, flexible, tired) and I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it as "overwriting." . . . . --John
John V - 15 years ago
Did not turn the page. Too much description slowing down the pace. I'd suggest having the intruder think, "How does she live in this shabby little apartment" or some such, and dump all the adjectives.
CAH - 15 years ago
Thought it was an interesting beginning, but the writing didn't flow for me. Something about the pacing, perhaps? Would have turned the page though - was made curious by who he was, why he was looking for her.
I still struggle with what constitutes "overwriting" and what is simply colorful descrption. Maybe the "overwriting" here wouldn't be so bad if there was less of it. Some of the crit/comments seem to make the narrative a bit on the bland side. In particular, I thought highlighting the removal of the shoes was something I would never have suspected as "overwriting". Why are the details important? Maybe they are not. But there are people in this world who reach down and pull off their shoes, bend their knee while standing and take them off (particularly sexy with women) and then there are those that kick them off. The point is, the description MAY show a little bit about the character (lazy, flexible, tired) and I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it as "overwriting." . . . . --John
Did not turn the page. Too much description slowing down the pace. I'd suggest having the intruder think, "How does she live in this shabby little apartment" or some such, and dump all the adjectives.
Thought it was an interesting beginning, but the writing didn't flow for me. Something about the pacing, perhaps? Would have turned the page though - was made curious by who he was, why he was looking for her.