Nice work, and especially appealing to those of us working in the IT industry. Just one thing that bothered me; is your female protagonist really named "Nils"? I don't know if it means anything to other readers, but here in Norway Nils is a strictly male name. It would be like calling a female Harold, or a male Susan. If, as Ray suggests, the rest of the chapter is filled with names, this would be confusing and irritating to me. However, readers from other countries may not even notice. :)
I also agree with the others above about the flask and the pantry. Mug and tea or coffee room, or even kitchen, would have been clearer.
Re John's comment, I think all that's needed is a comma: "He jerked his head up, on hearing the tap".
Flask is a language variant thing. It bothered me a little, too. A tot of rum or whisky at the meeting with the boss? If the book is to be marketed internationally, an editor can suggest alternatives, like coffee flask or insulated mug. I like to think of these as adult sippy cups, meself. :)
Pantry's a language variant, too. In the US, pantry is used exclusively for a room filled with cupboards where foodstuffs are stored, not for a food preparation area in an office. -- mai
J.C. Towler - 15 years ago
While "up on" can be one word or two, in this case it should be two. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/upon cited example: immediately or very soon after: She went into mourning upon her husband's death). Everyone makes mistakes but I'd think that by the time you've worked your opening to death and submitted it for review, this would be one that would be caught.
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Up for debate, but this was a minor POV shift: "He jerked his head up on hearing the tap of my pumps against the tiles."
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And then the flask. I kept asking myself what is an office drone doing with a flask? To me, it's something you clandestinely put liquor in. Here it seems to serve as a coffee mug. Maybe a language difference, but it was distracting.
I passed. It reminded me of work. Work is boring.
Nice work, and especially appealing to those of us working in the IT industry. Just one thing that bothered me; is your female protagonist really named "Nils"? I don't know if it means anything to other readers, but here in Norway Nils is a strictly male name. It would be like calling a female Harold, or a male Susan. If, as Ray suggests, the rest of the chapter is filled with names, this would be confusing and irritating to me. However, readers from other countries may not even notice. :)
I also agree with the others above about the flask and the pantry. Mug and tea or coffee room, or even kitchen, would have been clearer.
Good luck with the rest. :) --Zoe
Re John's comment, I think all that's needed is a comma: "He jerked his head up, on hearing the tap".
Flask is a language variant thing. It bothered me a little, too. A tot of rum or whisky at the meeting with the boss? If the book is to be marketed internationally, an editor can suggest alternatives, like coffee flask or insulated mug. I like to think of these as adult sippy cups, meself. :)
Pantry's a language variant, too. In the US, pantry is used exclusively for a room filled with cupboards where foodstuffs are stored, not for a food preparation area in an office. -- mai
While "up on" can be one word or two, in this case it should be two. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/upon cited example: immediately or very soon after: She went into mourning upon her husband's death). Everyone makes mistakes but I'd think that by the time you've worked your opening to death and submitted it for review, this would be one that would be caught.
.
.
Up for debate, but this was a minor POV shift: "He jerked his head up on hearing the tap of my pumps against the tiles."
.
.
And then the flask. I kept asking myself what is an office drone doing with a flask? To me, it's something you clandestinely put liquor in. Here it seems to serve as a coffee mug. Maybe a language difference, but it was distracting.
Best,
--John