ack...formatting changes on the post: Here it is with quotation marks to at least try to make it clearer:
I'd keep reading. The opening line is creates a good hook and immediately raises questions in the reader's mind. Is she a ghost? A vampire? Really dead or just "faking it". Even with the good opener, the story might be better served starting here: "I remember only this; atop ragged cliffs, squinting out at the boundless..." And bring the "events" line in later. The reason I say that is because it feels more streamlined when you get to this paragraph: "That relief I had felt as my body turned over and over in space." For me, this line was the first bump because the opening line didn't give me a firm perspective of the passage of time. Had she just died or was this a while ago? Anyway, enjoyed. Best of luck with your story, --John
JohnOBX - 15 years ago
I'd keep reading.
The opening line is creates a good hook and immediately raises questions in the reader's mind. Is she a ghost? A vampire? Really dead or just "faking it". Even with the good opener, the story might be better served starting here:
I remember only this; atop ragged cliffs, squinting out at the boundless...
And bring the "events" line in later.
The reason I say that is because it feels more streamlined when you get to this paragraph:
That relief I had felt as my body turned over and over in space.
For me, this line was the first bump because the opening line didn't give me a firm perspective of the passage of time. Had she just died or was this a while ago?
ack...formatting changes on the post: Here it is with quotation marks to at least try to make it clearer:
I'd keep reading. The opening line is creates a good hook and immediately raises questions in the reader's mind. Is she a ghost? A vampire? Really dead or just "faking it". Even with the good opener, the story might be better served starting here: "I remember only this; atop ragged cliffs, squinting out at the boundless..." And bring the "events" line in later. The reason I say that is because it feels more streamlined when you get to this paragraph: "That relief I had felt as my body turned over and over in space." For me, this line was the first bump because the opening line didn't give me a firm perspective of the passage of time. Had she just died or was this a while ago? Anyway, enjoyed. Best of luck with your story, --John
I'd keep reading.
The opening line is creates a good hook and immediately raises questions in the reader's mind. Is she a ghost? A vampire? Really dead or just "faking it". Even with the good opener, the story might be better served starting here:
I remember only this; atop ragged cliffs, squinting out at the boundless...
And bring the "events" line in later.
The reason I say that is because it feels more streamlined when you get to this paragraph:
That relief I had felt as my body turned over and over in space.
For me, this line was the first bump because the opening line didn't give me a firm perspective of the passage of time. Had she just died or was this a while ago?
Anyway, enjoyed. Best of luck with your story,
--John