Too much scenery, not enough action, bogs down the story.
Reading the page, I found the syntax repetitive.
Rina - 15 years ago
Sorry but no. Personally, I always skip descriptions unless they're works of poetic genius in their own right. Also, I had a feeling this one was a bit superficial: I wanted more detail, more smells, sounds, tactile experiences. This bit _describes_ the hero waking up in some kind of jungle (I LOVED the "man who had known January" bit!!!)but I wanted to _be_ him and _feel_ what he felt, not being told and described what he felt. So more detail would probably do the trick. Sorry!
John V - 15 years ago
No. The only interesting line is that he had come to hear a dead man speak. The rest of the page boils down to: man wakes up, confusing description. The description is confusing because it mixes the mundane with the exotic. January, forest, bullfrogs and owls don't mix well with Maiguru, msasa trees and Mozambique. Instead of forest, make it jungle. If you use exotic trees and names, use exotic animal sounds as well. Instead of spring, mention the rainy season. Note that really you need more action or tension and less description. But, if you're gonna waste your first page on description, at least go for a consistent mood.
Too much scenery, not enough action, bogs down the story.
Reading the page, I found the syntax repetitive.
Sorry but no. Personally, I always skip descriptions unless they're works of poetic genius in their own right. Also, I had a feeling this one was a bit superficial: I wanted more detail, more smells, sounds, tactile experiences. This bit _describes_ the hero waking up in some kind of jungle (I LOVED the "man who had known January" bit!!!)but I wanted to _be_ him and _feel_ what he felt, not being told and described what he felt. So more detail would probably do the trick. Sorry!
No. The only interesting line is that he had come to hear a dead man speak. The rest of the page boils down to: man wakes up, confusing description. The description is confusing because it mixes the mundane with the exotic. January, forest, bullfrogs and owls don't mix well with Maiguru, msasa trees and Mozambique. Instead of forest, make it jungle. If you use exotic trees and names, use exotic animal sounds as well. Instead of spring, mention the rainy season. Note that really you need more action or tension and less description. But, if you're gonna waste your first page on description, at least go for a consistent mood.