For some reason, the comment field took out all of my paragraph formatting, so I apologize for the giant block of text above. It was really a series of short paragraphs.
Christine H - 15 years ago
I really didn't find myself caring about the characters at all. I've ridden the train to Penn Station and didn't think it was anything like this! The whole "armpit... like a dead smelly fern" and "stinked of spoiled meat" really turned me off. Unless someone actually had a package of spoiled meat on the train, you can't really say that people smell like that. They don't. They smell like sweat, grease, smoke, etc. but not spoiled meat, unless they are dead.
What threw me off (no pun intended) was the very first line. When you say that the 300-lb Puerto Rican woman was jolted to the right, I was expecting her to be the main character, or else to have been jolted directly into the main character.
Also, if I were Puerto Rican, I would probably be offended by that stereotype.
Is she the same woman who's pregnant and falls down? No one really has eyes the size of plums.
And we have no explanation for why the model guy was able to stay upright. Does he have supernatural powers? I've never heard of someone with Hebrew tattoos. I would have thought it would be taboo for a devout Hebrew to pierce their skin with pagan markings. But perhaps I'm reading too much into that.
So, overall, I know I'm being brutal here, but this seems very jumbled and random. If there is a story here, you need a common thread to bind it together and give us a reason to keep reading. I think you have some awesome raw talent, though. Be selective - make every detail count in conveying the plot as well as the setting.
I look forward to seeing the revisions!
John V - 15 years ago
No. Nothing happened, and the descriptions were cliched.
For some reason, the comment field took out all of my paragraph formatting, so I apologize for the giant block of text above. It was really a series of short paragraphs.
I really didn't find myself caring about the characters at all. I've ridden the train to Penn Station and didn't think it was anything like this! The whole "armpit... like a dead smelly fern" and "stinked of spoiled meat" really turned me off. Unless someone actually had a package of spoiled meat on the train, you can't really say that people smell like that. They don't. They smell like sweat, grease, smoke, etc. but not spoiled meat, unless they are dead.
What threw me off (no pun intended) was the very first line. When you say that the 300-lb Puerto Rican woman was jolted to the right, I was expecting her to be the main character, or else to have been jolted directly into the main character.
Also, if I were Puerto Rican, I would probably be offended by that stereotype.
Is she the same woman who's pregnant and falls down? No one really has eyes the size of plums.
And we have no explanation for why the model guy was able to stay upright. Does he have supernatural powers? I've never heard of someone with Hebrew tattoos. I would have thought it would be taboo for a devout Hebrew to pierce their skin with pagan markings. But perhaps I'm reading too much into that.
So, overall, I know I'm being brutal here, but this seems very jumbled and random. If there is a story here, you need a common thread to bind it together and give us a reason to keep reading. I think you have some awesome raw talent, though. Be selective - make every detail count in conveying the plot as well as the setting.
I look forward to seeing the revisions!
No. Nothing happened, and the descriptions were cliched.