I get what you are driving at, but the craft issues interfere. I would establish one POV for starters. Ray's advice about the attributions is great. Most of the dialogue doesn't need any attribution. With a POV, something can be done to avoid the problem of telling vs showing.
Sheri - 15 years ago
"Said the man", "said the woman"...impersonal. The premise seems interesting but why not give men and women names? I do like the fast pace of the excerpt but didn't jump out at me for the reasons of "a man is talking to a woman."
I get what you are driving at, but the craft issues interfere. I would establish one POV for starters. Ray's advice about the attributions is great. Most of the dialogue doesn't need any attribution. With a POV, something can be done to avoid the problem of telling vs showing.
"Said the man", "said the woman"...impersonal. The premise seems interesting but why not give men and women names? I do like the fast pace of the excerpt but didn't jump out at me for the reasons of "a man is talking to a woman."