Hi honey, .. I am going to have to make this short. I got a call this morning from my sis, and one of her kids was in a bad car accident and is critical in the hospital. She needs me, so I'm going to be gone off of here for awhile, don't know how long, but I'll get in touch with you when I can. I've got to pack and get out of here as quickly as I can, ... it's a long drive ahead of me. Sorry I don't have time for more. All my love, .. Storm
----------------------------- - 13 years ago
Change of programs: Had a question for you...."who is going home on Dancing with the stars"? Who did you think?
-------------------- - 13 years ago
I realize Tony is very ill and anything can happen and who could succumb to a variety of maladies...an infection, pneumonia...that could take his life...but the odds are he is simply hospitalized. He is not elderly and prior to this (According to you) was in good shape so presumably took care of himself. Be hopeful...I doubt he is dead...but if you want to run a search on death notices in Hoboken and you have his last name, it should be easy enough to check. Okay? That sad part is...he needs someone there with him to call 911 or help him if he is too weak to get help. It is sad that he is so alone and I feel one of his daughters who should be staying with hm now..that is my opinion. When my dad was taken ill years ago...my mother traveled to help him and be with him even though they divorced eyars earlier. Even though eh really was not a good, loving husband during their union. She felt that he was our father and he really had nobody else.
Happy birthday I guess. Not big on birthdays or holidays or offering anyone cheers or greetings so this is the best I can do. How old are you now? I cannot recall ...only that you are older than me...which makes you an official cradle robbing cougar. 50? That's my guess.
J home tonight. I told Ana to stop calling me as it made me too sad. She said "okay....but I will miss you" and she began subtly and detectably weeping. I feel terrible...but I detest talking on the phone anyway....and hearing her voice makes me depressed. She promised not to call me anymore. I apologized and assured her that I did love her...but it does not mean that much when one is dealing with me,. LOL!
Never commented on the post that you made telling me that Ana was not right for me as we wanted different things, LOL! Isn't THAT the story of my life...doesn't THAT sum it all up for me! !? Then I end up with no one (which is the way I think I prefer it anyway..if I am to be honest) as J and I do not want the same things...Bea and I did not, ultimately, want the same things...even when I was w/ Liz we did not want the same things! LOL! I am incompatible with everyone who loves me it seems if I accept your assessment.
Who is your favorite on the top 5 of American Idol? Mine was and is still Adam. I was never a huge Allison fan and frankly, Danny was a jerk..though had semi-decent vocals. Kris? "meh". Rather out of the blue, I was just thinking about that season..which was my favorite.
No spell check...getting ready to brave the cold and take my mother and bro out for the day. We'll see how long she last, LOL!
Storm - 13 years ago
Hi M., .. What a blessing your sweet mom is. I love her for loving you and helping you to become the successful and wonderful human being you are. Jeffery will be so happy to see you. He has been leaving a bunch of sad songs on his twitter about cheating and about the fear of losing you. I know you don't care, but the gossip gang has figured out there is something wrong between the two of you, .. just so you know. They really don't deserve to have you as a friend. That's all I'm gonna say on that. I'm so glad you were finally able to catch up on some much needed rest, and now you have a chance to think with more clarity about everything. You've got all the time in the world to figure things out, .. don't rush anything. Time has a way of revealing which path to take.
Jamie and I saw the 3:50pm showing of Black Swan this afternoon in celebration of my birthday which is actually tomorrow, and then we had a nice dinner out afterwords. Jamie is a huge fan of the director of that movie and he said he thought it was the most awesome and best movie he has ever seen. I liked the movie but wasn't blown away. I liked The Tourist a whole lot more. Black Swan is about a ballerina that starts to lose it mentally and emotionally.
Michael, I am terribly worried about Tony. He hasn't been online in several days now and my message is still unread. He was last on that night we talked on the phone. This just isn't like him. He didn't mention that he was going anywhere and in fact would be staying home that next day because it was snowing there and around a foot of snow was expected. With his pneumonia he said he didn't dare go out in the cold. He sounded so sick on the phone that I fear he may have even died. His mood was upbeat and he sounded positive per se but I could hear it in his voice how sick he was. He even had a bad coughing spell at one point. At the very end of our 4 hour conversation when I told him that I guess we should get some sleep because I could tell he was getting tired and I was too, he said to me, " Are you sure you want to let me go? " and I replied, " Well only temporarily ". He then said, " Well if you dream about me I want to hear all the details, don't leave anything out! " I laughed and promised him I would tell him all the details. I was dead tired but I had great trouble falling asleep even though I was so happy about him. My mind was keyed up and I kept going over in my head everything we talked about. When I fell asleep I did dream about him. We were together and I just remember bits and pieces of him talking to me and holding my hand and we went somewhere but I don't remember any details. Boy, I am praying hard he is alive and okay. That would be so strange if I was the very last person he talked to in his life. I just tried calling him about 45 minutes ago and got his phone machine again. I left a message telling him that he has me worried since he hasn't been online in several days and I'm very concerned. I asked him to please call me or drop me a line so I know he is okay. I am beginning to hope that maybe he is in the hospital at this point because that is preferable to what the other reason might be. He is done with chemo, but he could have had a very bad asthma attack or something. I'm trying to think positive, but I'm on the verge of tears and sick with worry.
---------------- - 13 years ago
Hi. I'm fine. I am not dying. I do not have cancer or some dread disease. Promise. My mother is taking good care of me. I slept 11 hours last night...well into the afternoon today. LOL! When I came home last night I was exhausted. could not sleep on the plane. When I walked in the door, my mother exclaimed "you look terrible!" She hugged me and made me sit with her and talk a while. Told her about the weight loss, the anxiety, the sadness, the confusion, the feelings for Ana, J, Liz..., the ambivalence about leaving London. She told me to sleep and we can handle it all tomorrow. I don't now what it is...but those simple words from this loving person who raised me allowed me to sleep like a baby. I felt everything would be okay because my mother said it would and that all I needed to do now was sleep. We talked a lot today. She gave me some new insights...too detailed to go into now as I am very tired again. She does not feel like my weight loss and exhaustion is attributed to anything physiological...but by situational depression. She expects em to get a full check-up nonetheless...but feels it is depression. I still miss Ana...and J...but having her here helps, a lot. She is so sweet..my mom. Every time I look sad,...she runs over to me and makes me tea, or gives me a hug, or kisses me on the cheek. I feel like I am a little 10 year old boy again. LOL!
Did you hear form Tony? I am having a good feeling about the two of you. Maybe you are supposed to help him in some way. What do you think?
J coming home tomorrow night. I do miss him. I want to sleep next to him.
G'Night
---------------- - 13 years ago
Hi. I';m fine. I am not dying. I do not have cancer or some dread disease. Promise. My mother is taking good care of me. I slept 11 hours last night...well into the afternoon today. LOL! When I came home last night I was exhausted. could not sleep on the plane. When I walked in the door, my mother exclaimed "you look terrible!" She hugged me and made me sit with her and talk a while. Told her about the weight loss, the anxiety, the sadness, the confusion, the feelings for Ana, J, Liz..., the ambivalence about leaving London. She told me to sleep and we can handle it all tomorrow. I don't now what it is...but those simple words from this loving person who raised me allowed me to sleep like a baby. I felt everything would be okay because my mother said it would and that all I needed to do now was sleep. We talked a lot today. She gave me some new insights...too detailed to go into now as I am very tired again. She does not feel like my weight loss and exhaustion is attributed to anything physiological...but by situational depression. She expects em to get a full check-up nonetheless...but feels it is depression. I still miss Ana...and J...but having her here helps, a lot. She is so sweet..my mom. Every time I look sad,...she runs over to me and makes me tea, or gives me a hug, or kisses me on the cheek. I feel like I am a little 10 year old boy again. LOL!
Did you hear form Tony? I am having a good feeling about the two of you. Maybe you are supposed to help him in some way. What do you think?
J coming home tomorrow night. I do miss him. I want to sleep next to him.
G'Night
Storm - 13 years ago
I'm glad your mom was a doctor and can help give you her wise advice. When was your last real physical? Whenever it was, it sounds like you should get another one and you have the off time from work to do it so that is good. I know you plan to stay away from here, but please drop in long enough to let me know what you find out one way or the other, okay? Otherwise I may find myself getting dark circles under my eyes worrying about you. Also, if your letter to Elizabeth gets a response from her, or you find out any info on her and how she is doing, I would love to know how that is affecting you, okay?
I feel Tony is extremely lonely. I asked him if he has dated anyone he has met yet and he said no. Asked him if he has any friends that come over to keep him company and he said he has a couple of buddies from work that drop in to visit. His daughters are all he has, and they are 18 and 19 yrs old so they are wrapped up in their own lives and college. He said he lost all body hair and it is only now starting to grow back. He also told me the chemo melted the fillings in his mouth so he will have to go back to the dentist to have those replaced. All the meds and antibiotics have had an adverse effect as well and caused him to get a yeast infection in his mouth and also caused his tongue to swell a bit so he told me he isn't even allowed to kiss anyone right now and it is affecting his voice and speech a little bit. He gets headaches and body aches, mentioning that his calves hurt him. I am guessing he doesn't want any women to see him until he is better since his body is going through so many changes. I really wish you could find him on DateHookup.com so you can see his profile picture. The guy is drop dead gorgeous with an athletic build, though he is sitting in a chair and you can only see from waist up, but you can tell he is fit with a nice chest. He stopped me dead in my tracks and my mouth dropped open when I saw his photo, and I even uttered out loud, " Ohhh my God! " I contacted him first. His name on that site is 'goldengiant ' ( one word ) He picked that name as a reference to Amtrak. No other family members are alive so it makes me tear up knowing that he is having to take care of himself through this whole ordeal and make do for himself. Just not fair, he needs someone to cook and shop for him and be there for him to see to his needs, and most of all to love on him and give him encouragement to get through everyday. He told me that if he dies tomorrow, he is okay with that and that he had a good life. God, .. I don't want to hear him talking like that.
------------------- - 13 years ago
Sorry about all of the typos in my prior message...so ADHD lately...hyper...I type furiously and impulsively. So exhausted...have not slept more than 3 or 4 hours per night this entire past week. It is draining me physically and mentally. I think I need my mommy! I'm coming home mommy!!!!!!
-------------- - 13 years ago
You're on 'team J' only because he doesn't have a vagina...I'm on to you, LOL! My mother seems concerned about me so I believe she'd rather me settle back and not date for a while, to be honest. I love my mother but she influences my choices in love 0%. She will be happy that I'm not gay...that's about it. I won't tell her that Ana mentioned that she would not be averse to moving to NY or mentioned that if I asked her ...she would indeed marry me. And on the contrary, I don't think living in my flat will make Ana miss me more or depressed. She is nto liek that. She is very clam and reasonable...not emotional. She is also very resilient and strong and seems to be able to handle this a hell of a lot better than me. She even said "you go home and spend time with your brother and your mother so you can feel complete and with family that loves you; then come Monday you give Jeffery all the love you have stored up and let him know how much you appreciate him and missed him too, he deserves to know." you will be happy surrounded by love.
Well, I did talk her into staying at my place. She will keep her flat with her flatmate...but her flatmate's friend will be there for a month (apparently she needs a place) so it worked well. My place is roomier and newer and in a prettier neighborhood...though a little inferior commuter-wise. I refused to allow her to pay me rent since it would have been sitting empty. She really kept on me until I got angry. I cannot take money form women. It is ingrained in me. Anyway, we compromised and she will be paying utility fees she uses only (heating, power).
The weight loss is odd...I should have been gaining since I am not running...and I am fairly slim to begin with so 6 pounds does make a difference on me, LOL! The only other physical issue I have is that I feel tired and have for about a month...otherwise, fine I guess. I do have these dark circles under my eyes...and I noticed I am graying ever-so-slightly around the temples...but that is simply the aging process , LOL! I don't now if I have been eating the same amount of food. I suppose I have. Don't think it is the sexual activity w/ Ana as I was with J before and just as active if not more...but weighed 6 lbs more! I'll see what my mother says. If I remember, I tend to fluctuate wright wise a bit...but this seems like a lot for me to lose. Maybe it is the depression.
I do hope Tony is okay. He needs to use those toys on you before he gets too sick. He could be going through a bad round of chemo that is taking it's toll on him and he might feel much better once the ill effects wear off. I almost get the impression that he seems lonely...like he wants the companionship of a lady...a friend first. You may be perfect for him...you say he is kind, good looking and he needs some help...some charity...someone to nurse him a bit...PERFECT for you! He also seems like he is concerned over sexual dysfunction...which means he must value sexual activity...another plus. At least if you are going to save someone..it better a person who is ill than a drug addict, batterer or alcoholic...right? I think he is okay..try not to worry.
Storm - 13 years ago
Besides feeling sad about leaving Ana, are you feeling okay health wise and have you been eating the same amount of food? If you find out something is wrong with you, then please share it with me, okay? I care, you know that. Maybe it is just all the sex burning the calories off of you! :)
Tony still hasn't been online to see my message and I'm getting more worried. He was planning to stay home yesterday so if I don't hear anything by later this evening, I guess I will try calling to check on him. I'm getting a bad feeling something is wrong.
I have a new guy interested in me from Cleveland, Ohio and his name is Roland. He told me he is very impressed with my profile and that he is self employed and buys and sells precious gems, gold and silver for his living. I was telling him that I was in Cleveland years ago when we did a show for Doc Severinsen and that I got to meet the chicken king Colonel Sanders who came to watch Doc. Told him we stayed right across from the theatre where Doc was playing, at a hotel called Swingos. I can't forget a name like 'Swingos'. So he seems nice and I will see where that leads me. There is also a guy living in Taos, NM I may be corresponding with.
Is Ana going to be staying at your place then until April? That might actually make it harder on her to be around everything that reminds her of you. But I'm guessing she said yes anyway. Am I right? I'm sure your mom will be encouraging you to be with her instead of J, so I will choose team J and tell you that you are already a family with him and he is good for you and Daniel. :) How much longer do you have before your flight?
---------------- - 13 years ago
Yes...Tristan..he is about the sexiest dude around, IMO...and there is no way I would...could.. every refuse him. He gets me hot in 3 minutes and makes it happen immediately for me. He has an awesome body, face and a very sweet, almost shy quality about him. J and I are both hot for him...but of course J prefers the more exotic looking dudes. But, I watch his clips at least 2 or 3 times every day. Watching him masturbate is awesome. Okay, I need a cold shower now. Getting ready to leave soon. Bittersweet, I suppose. I have been so depressed and melancholy lately over leaving Ana that I think I am over the depression. Too tired to think about it anymore.
You do not understand... when I get OCD about the internet, I have to go cold turkey and stay off or else I will check all sites...cannot check only one when I get like this..I am on for several hours a day and usually until very late at night. IT is like an obsession that I cannot control...so putting it aside is my only remedy. IT is making me stressed as I am neglecting many areas in my life. For the past two weeks...I fell my life has consisted of internet chatting, blogging, cruising sites on the internet, and having sex. LOL!
Seems you and Tony had a bit of a hot discussion. I am sure one of here reasons you are attracted to him is your nurturing instinct. He is good to put it all out there and to be honest about his issues. I respect that. Mmmmm...I like using toys too...but of course I have my favorite toy that I use which I keep with me all of the time. Well, if you are going to rescue someone, not so bad that it is a decent dude who could use some help, right?
Stepped on the scale yesterday for the first time in 2 months and realized that I lost 6 pounds. Not sure how that happened...the unexplained weight loss. I have not been running regularly as it is nearly impossible to do in London. May have to make a Drs. appt upon my return to
Storm - 13 years ago
Hi M., .. How long is a " long while " ? Don't scare me! :( Surely you can drop in at least once or twice a week to let me know how you are. Don't be cruel. :) Isn't it possible to stay off all the other sites but still drop in long enough to say hi to me? You know I will miss you terribly.
I am a bit worried about Tony. He sounded so sick over the phone when we talked and had a bad coughing spell at one point. As I mentioned, he contracted pneumonia on top of the leukemia, and is on an incredible amount of antibiotics and medications, and on top of that, he has suffered with asthma and bouts of bronchitis all his life. Yesterday I left him a message and it is still showing as unread up to now. We talked a lot about his sickness and what he has been through. He said he was getting pains in his chest and that is how the leukemia was discovered was through a blood test they ran. It is his job of 27 yrs that has made him sick. Working on the train engines has subjected him to huge amounts of PCB's and also asbestos as he said much of the wiring is insulated with asbestos in the coating or covering. He has never smoked, so it seems so unfair he has to suffer all of this. I kept the conversation mostly on him but did fill him in a little on my family and upbringing. His 18 yr old daughter is living with her bf and gets sassy with him, and that is why they aren't getting along. He disapproves of them living together at such a young age and worries about her getting pregnant. We did get around to talking about his worry on what this would do to his sex life. I assured him it wouldn't matter to me if he had problems. I told him it is the mental, emotional and spiritual bond and love between two people that matters most to me. He mentioned how he hates when women withhold sex when they're angry or to get back at a guy. I just said that shouldn't happen and one should never go to bed angry at the other one. He mentioned that women have sent nude photos of themselves to him and that is when he knows they aren't right for him. We also talked about what we like in the bedroom a little bit. I did not mention that I like the ladies too, but just said that I strive and like to please my partner and that I'm open minded. He is the same and I can tell he would be very tender and loving, and happened to mention that he likes to use toys on women. LOL I told him about my 'little friend' and that it was the only toy I have and that I don't like dildos, .. I like the real thing. He said, " you don't like the latex ones? " And I said, " I've never tried those so I don't know, but I do know I will always prefer the real thing." LOL I like him a lot so I sure hope he gets well and will be okay. I can kind of see myself slipping back into my habit with selecting guys who need my care and that kind of scares me.
My gf and I are still communicating daily with two or three tweets to each other expressing affection of a sort, but she is making other female friends now on twitter she also talks to and that is good. Like I say, I have no intention or desire to fall in love with a woman.
As you know, I follow Tristan on twitter, and I checked out his site yesterday and all I can say is momma mia! Yowza. :)
------------- - 13 years ago
The body reacts to things like stress, etc...but I think wishing you were pregnant will not make it so...or else we would have zero infertile women in the world...and infertility is a huge issue for a large percent of the human female population.. Ma dear, you make these haphazard statements and sweeping generalizations that are simply unfounded. It matters WHERE you read these "stories" and "findings" , whether they have been 'proven' or jsut someone's opinion, or published via a research study, WHERE and HOW the study was conducted and under what criteria and circumstances. But, alas...people believe what they desire to be true..what they want to believe. Anyway...I do not wish to argue with you about this. I will tear apart any crapola you dare throw my way and insist you site your sources. I think it best you learn to rephrase things so you do not sound uninformed or 'over the top'...unless of course you have a medical degree to back up your authoritative statement. Let's not go there. Agreed? :)
Am leaving late this evening. I never called Naomi when she left me her snippy message...she is lucky that I didn't chew her out worse the last time she insulted me. I figure that I will give her time to cool off and the next time I come to London, I will see her. It is too bad because I really miss her little sweet son. She asked me once to visit then never brought it up again. When I did not take her bitchy advice and dump Ana--she got more upset. I can't see him when she is so upset with me. I think I represent to her all of these men who "did her wrong" or something. I get it that she is trying to protect her friend...but she needs to back off. Anyway, Ana and I went out yesterday and bought a few gifts for him and I will write him a note and let him know I will visit upon my return. Let's hope Naomi will be cooled off by then. Ana said yesterday "Micheal, you don't suppose that Naomi fancies you at all, or do you?" I told her probably not....but she definitely needs to get shagged. Soon. Ana questioned my sexuality yesterday asking me if I was really, truly bisexual. I think her query is based on our sexual activity...the frequency and the intensity and my reaction. I told her that I am sure that I am bi and told her everything that J and I do together, how often, what I like to do to him (in detail) and what I like him to do to me...also told her that 99% of the porn I watch is male on male as it turns me on more than watching hetero. She she said "Goodness, you are very brazenly frank and, yes, you certainly are bisexual! I shant question that fact ever again." Not sure if she had her hopes up or was feeling me out..but I felt the need to drive it home...and this same question has been addressed to me by countless gf's and bf's. I believe it is more to do with the sex drive.
So what did you and your new bf talk about for 4 hours? Was there a love connection? He seems like a decent dude. I hate the phone and never spend more than 5 minutes. Whatever happened to that odd woman from twitter who was sending you her outlandish accounts of her escapades? Did she get bored? Or did you question the authenticity of her said accounts? LOL!
After today I will be off line for a long while. I need to focus on bro and getting my crazy life in order. Don't know what the future brings...but it's coming!
Storm - 13 years ago
Whew!! Well that is a relief and yes I feel incredibly much better now. Please don't regret telling me because I am your friend always first and foremost and you know I don't mind worrying about you because that just goes with the territory of loving and caring about you. :) Is Ana home yet?
Yes, the body reacts to positive and negative thoughts. I've read many findings and stories about that and I'm sure you have too. I'm hoping to God you don't make me go into detail. Be kind ! :)
huh? - 13 years ago
"the body reacts to thoughts, we know that."
What? I don't know that.
Sperm donor - 13 years ago
Okay, should not have told you ...or J for that matter. My faulty....you know me..I hide nothing. Firstly, I should have told you in the last post that she has her period now so all is fine. No little French,/German/Tawainese tots running around in the near future. Sorry that I failed to mention that. Additionally, ma dear, I have used this method of birth control exclusively for many years with more than one gf when I was younger and it never resulted in a pregnancy--scout's honor...and they were all younger so presumably more fertile than Ana. You are worrying too much. Look...I always use condoms for the other thing..always 100% because of the region involved. But, it is hard to always put one on and always break up the arousal, the moment. Try being a dude sometime! It usually goes from foreplay, etc. to intercourse and it is hard to interrupt for that. Now, if I were not strong enough to withdraw before popping...I would have to revert to constant condom use. She is going on the pill...but who knows what will happen. Of course our activity will be seriously curtailed so may not be worth it for her. If she did not tell me she got her period now..I might be a teensy weensy itty-bit concerned. Oky. Feel better? LOL!
Storm - 13 years ago
Babe, when is her period due? You don't want to believe it but you are acting recklessly. Surely you recognize that. Sperm is still entering her vaginal canal and you know that. You can argue about the amount but I'm really beginning to think there is some unconscious part of you that seems to be wanting to re-live what happened with Liz or something, .. maybe so this time you have a chance to do things differently. As smart as you are Michael, I am just surprised you are taking chances like this. Please, before you leave her, buy a test kit which is cheap and just have her check herself for pregnancy, for everybody's peace of mind. It's painless and she would want you there with her face to face if she discovers she is pregnant. What is it going to hurt? Nothing, so do it. Quit living in denial here. You very well could have gotten her pregnant. Find out before you leave and you gotta stop doing that. She may be hoping you get her pregnant now since she wants you and I personally believe that desire from a woman for a child can help with fertility. The body reacts to thoughts, we know that. Find out now please, before you leave.
--------------- - 13 years ago
One good thing about J is that I have been OCDing and ADHDing for a few weeks now...sleeping very little as well. He always manages to bring me out of it...somehow, and forces me to focus and stay off the internet...away from Tristan and all of the other places I wander, LOL! I need that break.
Anyway, he sent me an e-mail (Which he is not supposed to do) from DC asking me about things with Ana. I told him about Ana and what she said about relocating and marriage (WHY did I do that? I am so impulsive)...he simply wrote: "She has good taste. I cannot blame her for feeling that way. I wish I could marry you." 'twas sweet. Made me miss him a bit.
Please don't be mad at me...please...Ana and I have not been using those things...you know...but I have been retracting promptly. Can't help it ...it feels so much better, more natural when expressing myself to her. Anyway...J is concerned that she might get pregnant and my guilt over Liz's abortion and my son she wanted to have might take hold of my emotions. I told her to go on the pill even though I am leaving because if we resume at any time...I will not feel comfortable otherwise. As I said...I withdraw in plenty of time each occurrence. Anyway, told J about the pill and he said "why now, unless you plan on making her a part of your life". So, I did not reply back yet. I don't want to lie. Right now I want her to be a part of my life. I don't know what the future holds...but I know what I feel like at this moment.
Need to get off line...too stressed. Have been on over 100 sites today.
come down to earth for a bit........ - 13 years ago
Stop always striving for deeper meaning. Accept that life is beautiful and ugly, sad and tragic and often very painful for many. Imperfect and finite. "Life force" is pure bullshit, ma dear. This I know.
------------------- - 13 years ago
I am not saying people are insignificant personally...but as a whole, we are all part of biology...no higher power or purpose is controlling everything, LOL. Never understood why people had to delude themselves and believe that. Accept it for the finite beauty that it is...life, one's own life. Real, random and still miraculous but in a natural, concrete sense.
Storm - 13 years ago
Wish I could have seen Merchant Of Venice with you and J. I LOVE plays and musicals on stage. Albuquerque is pretty on top of bringing some of these things to town, but of course nothing like you get to experience. You lucky duck! :)
Darling there is a life force that exists, and when you look into the face of a baby human or animal, how can one believe it is insignificant? I can't believe that nor could I ever look at all the miracles going on around me in any given moment and ever believe it means nothing. It means everything. What about love itself? Is that insignificant?
Storm - 13 years ago
haha Well, maybe Shakespeare's thoughts and writings are absolute and mean only one thing, but my mind wants to expand on those thoughts and take flight with further thought and fancy! Sometimes I love and wonder where these thoughts and ideas really come from? Have you ever felt that way? Like what is coming through to you comes from a source outside of your own thoughts and mind? I get that from time to time and it amazes me. It is subtle but there is a difference between my own inner voice full of thought and whatever this other voice is that comes through at times. You're probably thinking I'm going around 'the bend'! haha
hmmmmmmmmmmm.... - 13 years ago
LOL--On the contrary, I don't believe trained thespians or Shakesperian scholars agree that Shakepspeare's word was open to interpretation. LOL! He was fairly absolute and distinct in the meaning of his writings and not a very spiritually philosophical person...more a cerebral thinker, an intellectual. There is very little disagree meant among scholars as to his interpretation unlike scholarly experts of other writers, playwrites and poets
I believe realizing/accepting these truths that we are insignificant and life really has no purpose is rather liberating. Makes me want to experience love, make more love and not be afraid.
When I was in NY last, J and I say "Merchant of Venice" on broadway starring Al Pacino. He, surprisingly, was excellent in the role!
Storm - 13 years ago
The more they stay the same! Yes, I get what you were saying prior about the emphasis being on ' merely '. It is all about one's perspective and that is the brilliance on looking at life as we know it. If a grain of sand is all that exists, then what is its worth and importance? Oh. I love this! Sooooo much to ponder! A microcosm viewpoint or a macrocosm viewpoint indeed. I prefer to believe that All is important and has purpose and value and has a destiny leading to something greater than itself. Oh how I hope I can sit with you someday and just discuss and talk. You excite me. Loved that other quote you left from 'As You Like It '.
------------- - 13 years ago
I should have..intended to.....write/written that what Shakespeare is saying is we are insignificant and life has no purpose though as humans, we strive to find one.
Amazing how his words still hold true today and have stood the test of time. As they say, the more things change....
William - 13 years ago
Taken from the comedic play "As you like it"..yes, I know it well. But I interpret it a bit differently . The intellectual Shakespeare meant this as more comedic than philosophical. Though it is till somewhat philosophical...I believe the meaning to be --Life's occurrences are insignificant and life really doesn't have a purpose. So, is this what you are trying to tell me? LOL! The use of "merely" here is a giveaway if you have studied Shakespeare. While I am not a Shakesperian scholar, I can say that "The men and Women are MERELY players" is written intentionally as he was emphasizing our insignificance.
How about this from "As You Like it"----
"In my youth thou wast as true a lover
As ever sighed upon a midnight pillow"
Storm - 13 years ago
Yes, you are right. Your life will unfold the way it is meant to. It is rather odd and peculiar how people come and go in our lives, playing a role, often times something monumental and then they disappear and are no longer part of our lives. Shakespeare was so brilliant and fascinating. I wish I could have met him.
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
--------------- - 13 years ago
I was very emotive to her during our lovemaking and very natural..I did not hold back. Not sure being away from her and home will make it easier. It will make it harder, I believe. I will think of her more and want her with me. Am not scheduled to work until the 3rd or 4th of February so have a lot of time on my hands to perseverate with little distraction. And that I will do....perseverate.
For a long while I thought that the only thing that will ultimately break me and Jeffery apart is one of us meeting someone else. Well, not to "TOOT MY OWN HORN" but it appears slim that another dude will cause J to leave me...though I would completely understand and support that for him. I think it will be me..meeting and falling in love with someone else...that will finally cause our parting. I know this and feel this in my soul...in every fiber of my mortal being. I always though J would grow tired and upset with me like the others...but he has not and I don't see that he will any time soon...much to his burden. But I don't want to lose him either...I am selfish. He won't discourage me from seeing women..he cannot. So will it be Ana who finally breaks us apart...or Liz (doubtful given her probable situation), or someone else I have yet to meet. I do not know. Time will tell. And time and tide wait for no man. Whatever will happen, will...with or without my control and my blessings, yes?
Storm - 13 years ago
Lovemaking is as close as anyone can get to feeling like two people become one. There is a stirring and chemistry that takes place, especially when you attach mind, heart and spirit. It is the only way I know to make love and be intimate with someone, and had I been with you, it is exactly what you would have received from me. I can't be any other way. I understand what happened between you and Ana. What was suppose to be casual sex turned around and bit you in the ass and attached you to her. Is that a curse or a blessing Michael? I think I know which answer you will give me.
--------------- - 13 years ago
You might not agree with me, but it is very difficult (from my view) to be so very intimate with someone--make love to them every day, 2 or 3 times, for several weeks...live with them and then simply part ways. I cannot do that. I am not that strong. I need to leave doors open a bit so as not to suffer depression. I cannot cut her off. She knows the score and she knows what I am grappling with and what my life realities are. I need to see her still and J knows this. He said "I have never been able to stop you from doing what you want or talk you into or out of anything when you have your mind made up. I understand you. It makes me love you even more." So, I feel okay about him. I have not thought about Liz since I've been w/ Ana (other than when we talked about her) as Ana has helped me, unintentionally, forget. Wished I had never met her.
Storm - 13 years ago
That douche bag conversation was really hysterical! Especially when ck started calling herself Summers Eve! hahahaha Those were some good times and good memories, .. and the best of all was meeting and getting to know you.
And it's something quite peculiar.
Something shimmering and white ...
That leads you here, despite your destination ....
Under the milky way tonight.
I love you Michael.
Storm - 13 years ago
Ohhhh Michael, .. that makes me sad to hear you say that, but makes me love you even more for putting your brother's needs first. It doesn't surprise me because your parents did an outstanding job of raising you, and even when we first met on here, I felt a connection to you pretty much immediately even though you were firing off some pretty fantastic and good jabs at ck and Grimoire! haha You were making me laugh even back then! I quickly sensed and picked up on the real side of you that you tried to keep hidden, and that is how I fell in love with you. :)
------------------------- - 13 years ago
Am glad Tony called you. He seems sincere and mature unlike that other dick. I hope things work out for him health wise. O course you would love to take care of him...that is how you are...and that is awesome. I love being nursed back to health when I am sick with some minor malady.
I am not going to marry Ana and she is not relocating to NY. Not to worry. I think she understands this but she is the type to put herself out there anyway. She is very emotional in a good way, and loving but also very strong and resilient, unlike Beatrice. I do love her, and it is more than a passing fancy I'm afraid, and am sorry to admit...even though we have not been together for long. Matters not. Of course my first obligation is to Daniel and that will never change. Not to worry...as I told you, I stopped living my life for me long ago. That's just the way that it is. :)
Storm - 13 years ago
And on top of that, .. I love you to the moon and back. ~~~
Storm - 13 years ago
No babe, if you ever break up with Jeffery or really need me, I will be there for you. No matter what happens with Tony, I will always feel the same way I have with you, and you know how deep that river of love runs. It is constant and it is real.
Storm - 13 years ago
I am completely convinced that a horrible terrible mistake and misprint happened on my birth certificate, and in fact I will be turning 32 yrs old on Monday! :)
---------------------- - 13 years ago
So it takes a (potential) invitation from Tony to get you out my way and to visit me...after all of my invitations? Ouch! That hurts.
Storm - 13 years ago
Are you going to talk to Naomi? I think it is good Michael that you are leaving back to your other life which is the bigger part of you in a sense and the more important one since it involves your brother and the place that you consider home, .. Manhattan. I feel it will be good for you to see and be with Jeffery again who loves you and Daniel so deeply. You are family. I don't know what to say about Ana, except I don't think you are right for her and what she is obviously wanting which is marriage like I suspected, which further means commitment, which she would eventually demand of you just like the others. You would be doing her a favor to start easing the tie with her, but of course this is a decision you must come to at your will and decision. Just don't give her any false hope, and I can see that you are not, so that's good. When you get back, focus instead on Liz and writing your note so you can feel closure or see what that brings you. You never know what might happen, and she would make you heal quickly in regards to Ana.
------------------ - 13 years ago
Believe it or not, she was born in a Leap Year...so Feb. 29...So I guess she is technically only only 9 and not 36, LOL! Now I really feel like a pervert!
How old are you going to be on your birthday? I do not recall your age...though I do remember you are older than moi (you cradle robbing cougar).
Storm - 13 years ago
Hi M., .. Well, the good news is that you are still there with her, and since you aren't leaving till late tomorrow night, you have all day today and tomorrow to still enjoy her. Focus on that instead of your leaving so you are not robbed of the joy these present moments will bring you. Also remember you will see her again soon. When in Feb. is her birthday? I am just curious if she is an Aquarian like me. My birthday is Monday the 24th, so Jamie is going to help me celebrate it on Sunday with dinner out and a movie.
Guess what? TONY CALLED ME!!! Late last night it was near 1am and I checked over on the date site to see if there was anything new, and I noticed that he was online and he must have seen that I was too. He sent me a message asking me if it would be alright if he called me right then and I responded with a yes. We talked for 4 hours straight from 1am to 5am my time! We clicked and we like each other. He is so genuine and sincere and very sweet. He is off chemo and still in remission, and had the lesser form of leukemia, so not the deadlier one you spoke of. He has had asthma all his life along with bouts of bronchitis, and recently contracted pneumonia, so is on all kinds of medication. The poor guy is so terribly sick and it makes me feel so helpless as I would go over and take care of him if I could. He basically has to cook, shop, and take care of himself. He has only been married once and that was to a lady from Honduras. If I remember, the marriage only lasted 4 or 5 years and he has two daughters, 19 yr old Maria, and 18 yr old Catherine. He doesn't get along with the younger one who is in college and wants to become a teacher. Maria is going to college and wants to get into banking. After what Ran said, I was only going to leave my profile up a little longer to see if Tony would respond and then pull it. Now I have new hope that there are a few decent men still out there. Tony has gone a long time since a relationship as well, and he is looking for one good woman and not just sex and flings. He has two and a half years left before he can retire, so will have to stay in Hoboken where he has lived all his life until then. I think he is looking to move somewhere else after that. I did extend an invitation for him to visit me. He is too sick right now and has to go in for monthly blood work and checkups. I'm hoping that perhaps by late spring or early summer would be nice so I can take him to the mountains and up to Santa Fe so I can help him enjoy life again. I think he plans to call me again later today. He told me that some women he has met have sent him nude pictures of themselves and that is when he knows they are not right for him. I told him I am way too modest and smart to go sending nude photos of myself, and in fact no such thing even exists. He has good values and ethics so that is important to me. Maybe I will be visiting you someday! :)
--------------- - 13 years ago
LOL--who cares what they thing. J did stop suing it and even deleted some stuff--I checked. He prob thought that no one was checking it and impulsively posted that Duran Duran song (I believe that as he still addresses to me as his "immaculate dream"...LOL). Just ignore them.... Sarah is not threat to me.
You asked about that woman at J's work. I happened to ask J what happened on returning to his work after he planted that wet kiss one me New Years eve. He said everything was pretty much the same though a few of his closer associates mentioned some things. The dude who hosted, also named Michael, asked him if were a couple and J responded by saying "I though that was pretty clear". And he said his assistant who has been with him 5 years and pretty much handles all of his appointments, personal and professional, claimed that she had an inkling when he wasn't really dating anyone serious and that she could tell that I was "special" to him. He claims it is out and he doe snot care anymore. Good for him. No specific news on this woman who has the hots for him. But, after witnessing the kiss...not much else needs to be said. Besides, J was holding my hand as well at the party and placing his arm around my shoulder. I think lots of ladies had their hearts broken that evening. But, on the bright side...the gay dudes who work for him might be encouraged and feel they have a chance!
I am home today..no work. Cleared out my office...but since I need to come back..they are holding it for me. Naomi called and left me a message saying she needed to "talk". Ugh! Ana confessed to me last night that if I ever felt the urge ...ever...a year from now even...even though it seems very premature, that she would move to NY for me. She said she was just throwing it out there in case I was ever curious how serious she feels about me. Honestly? I do not feel she was tossing a hint my way as much as letting me know that she would be here if I needed her. Even mentioned that she would marry me ..LOL! What a mistake that would be for her! I asked her if that was a proposal...she laughed and said "it is something you need to know". Told her I was not the marrying type. She said "yes, I know, that doesn't change how I feel". I love how she doesn't play games...just outs her cards right on the table, no matter the emotional cost. Refreshing.
I am really very depressed. I am wishing that I never met her :(
-------------------- - 13 years ago
In that case I owe you a full and humble apology. Perhaps I misread your intent. I felt I was only trying to be helpful by offering my perspective. And when you responded it appeared to me to be defensive and hyper-sensitive and quasi-critical (particularly your baffling remark about tooting your horn) . I may have overreacted then due to my stress over my situation. Mea culpa.
Having said that, this churlish dick, "Ran" , deserved the response you gave him, LOL! Does he really think that is a way to attract women? What a dolt. I do fear, however, these may be the types you will attract by not posting your lovely image --someone who is desperate enough and assumes (as he did--he said so!) that your face is unattractive therefore you must be desperate or ashamed at your appearance.So, he won't hold back...just put it out there and if you are horny and desperate like him..great! I am a bit astounded that he actually wrote that about your ass and legs. What an incredible, boorish dick!
Am leaving very late--overnight--tomorrow. Very depressed and sad. Ana's 36th birthday is in February so I promised to return. I told her that she should take on another lover, try ot be open to nice dudes who will treat her well... and go on with her life and that I will visit when and if I can...I do come to London for work still, but won't see her as much. I told her she should not wait for me, or hold her self back for me. J is is in the picture and I still love Liz so much(not that I see any future there)..Ana deserves better and Naomi was right in that remark! Ana is sweet and told me not to worry about her. I just don't want her waiting for me. I was, perhaps, a bit too liberal with my endearments and affirmations these past 2 days as I was so depressed about leaving her. She is just so honest about how she feels without pressuring me. I love that. This is going to be hard.
Storm - 13 years ago
Michael, .. I want to make you aware that the gossip gang, especially Sarah, is still spying on you and J through his twitter. He obviously never shut it down or is back using it again. They will never give up spying on you as long as he keeps that twitter account. They know his full name so any account he opens on twitter, they may be able to find him. His latest posts they are talking about is that Duran Duran song Come Undone, and also Sinead O'Connor's 'Nothing Compares To You'. Sorry to tell you all this as I don't want to add to your stress, but I'm guessing you would rather know than not know.
Storm - 13 years ago
Hi Ran, .. Since you have been so frank and honest with your comment, I feel compelled to return the favor. You are not that good looking and perhaps you should put up a photo of your ass and legs. Maybe you'll have better luck. I am looking for someone with more depth to their soul, so you and I are definitely not a match. I think you can find what you are looking for at your local brothel, so let's not waste anymore of each others time.
Storm - 13 years ago
Well, you're gonna love this! I just got a reply from Ran Webber whom I don't find that attractive physically at all. At best he is mediocre. He isn't handsome at all, but I wanted to like him because I thought he must be intelligent and I admired his accomplishments. Turns out he is very shallow and not what I am looking for, so I informed him that I am looking for someone with more depth to their soul and that we would definitely not be a match. I told him that instead of a picture of his face, that perhaps he should also put up a picture of his ass and legs and see how many hits he gets. Also told him that what he is looking for he can find at a local brothel. haha If this is all men want and what I keep attracting then I may be pulling my profile off of there and forgetting the whole damn thing. Here is what he left me:
Hi Barb, I have played the "waiting for a photo game" a few times. In every case where I had to coax a photo from someone I ended up with nothing to show for it. Most times when I finally got a photo, they may have been attractive, even very attractive, but in most cases no matter how attractive they were, most were just not my type and I found that it was just too much effort to find that out. I just do not want to play that game anymore. I like to start with physical attraction, but there is so much more that is also important that I just want to move beyond the attraction stuff as soon as possible. Please don't play that with me. I'd much rather find out if you have a great ass and legs. Your face is of minor importance, if the real truth be told. So can you send me a picture of that instead. At least I will stay interested.
Ran
Storm - 13 years ago
LOL Yes, you are misreading me. I am in a good mood and wasn't trying to launch a bitch at you. My comment was meant as a disclaimer that I indeed was not trying to boast about myself. Honey, you do have me paranoid about that. I'm afraid to say anything remotely positive about myself for fear you will think I'm bragging and full of myself. Please try to understand, I have read many self help and self improvement books especially during my twenties and thirties as I wanted to be the best person I can be. I have more of those kind of books on my shelves than any other kind, and they all stress the same thing which is, .. you are what you think you are, therefore always think positive about yourself and say positive affirmations everyday. You have this perception of me that I feel isn't accurate. I don't go around bragging and boasting and I prefer listening as opposed to being a talker and trying to be the center of attention. I don't seek that and I don't need that. I hope this will give you a clearer picture of who I am.
I recognize, appreciate, and thank you for your advice about my profile. I know you are only trying to help. You're right, a picture would definitely get me a lot more hits and it would get more guys to stick around. I still have some mixed feelings about even doing this and maybe wasn't taking it too seriously and possibly still am not. I tried it on a lark. I have basically been on my own with my walls up for a long time. Sometimes I still feel like I want to keep men at arm's length to protect myself plus I kind of like not having to answer to anyone else and I like having my home to myself. It is freedom pure and simple and I like it. It would likely help me to get Tony to stick around more as well. He was online a long time this morning so that tells me he has many responses from the ladies which is no surprise at all given how handsome he is. He has yet to respond but that is how he is. Just when I give up hope and a couple of weeks have gone by with no word, .. I will get a warm response out of the blue from him. Could be he is gone and in the hospital, at work or vacation or he has finally gone down his long list of ladies and is finally getting back to me. Who knows .... I assure you my cell is old and does not have a digital camera. I don't use it that much since I have a house phone. I guess I will move learning to use the camera on my computer up to priority status and set a goal of learning how to use it within say a week's time. I have been busy sending out job applications and trying to sell, clean and organize around my home since that dude ex bf/roommate loser has basically abandoned all his belongings of which there are many including a walk-in closet full of his clothes that I must get rid of. He was like a pack rat and even my attic is full of his stuff. Jamie and I are going to try to have a yard sale in another week or two so we can get rid of his stuff.
I have not meant to bring you down babe, and I swear I wasn't aiming any snide comments at you. I know you are sad about having to leave Ana but you will be talking to her on the phone everyday I'm sure and you can even video chat, right? You will see her again very soon so try to think positive. Once you are back with Jeffery, he will occupy your mind and time and doing things with your mom will help occupy your mind as well. Right? You still have another day left with Ana so go out and have fun with her. It's all good, right?
gulp! - 13 years ago
As a friendly reminder: I don't do bitchy. Or snarkey, for that matter. Or am I misreading your demeanor...mood? If so, I offer my sincere apologies. I truly do.
I was trying to be helpful with regard to a suggestion that I thought might make you seem more real and open. For exapmle, at my work (and even at my old work place a few years back) we post our CV, credentials, accomplsihments, job title, etc on the company's website for public access. A photo of each associate, employee is always invcluded. Most professional corporations, companies, institutions, etc do this now. It is to make the client or the intersted party feel you are more real, more 'freindly' so they have a good feeling about doing business with you....and of course it has nothing to do with the way someone looks, their level of attractiveness. Yes, I agree there will be those who will size you up...but for the most part, intentionally excluding a photo..when that is the norm...might be called into question and make you appear less real, less genuine, less veritable, less authentic and less accessible. But, perhaps on some level that is what you are looking for. Hence, Tony living clear across the country...as I do. Just trying to be helpful...but whatever....
I think you can be a little nicer to me knowing the stress and depression I am going through having to leave Ana and then resume with Jeffery....and all that entails. The disquiet and anxiety, not to mention the associated guilt, that I now have to endure. So stop bitching at me about your stupid picture...and you are not retarded for Christ sakes...learn how to sue a damn camera! If your cell phone was manufactured within the last 6 years...I assure you it has a camera. And a chimpanzee can figure out who to use a computer camera..not hard! Your computer is most certainly equipped with one. But, these are probably all just little convenient excuses. Now, as far as your other cattish comment... "Uh oh there I go tooting my own horn again"...no, this time you were not! What you said this time was actually socially acceptable and did not lack refinement as it did in the past instances when I had to point out these little 'faux pas' to you. Saying simply "I like myself and my looks" is a perfectly agreeable statement...but it seems like you are questioning that yourself...or trying to make a bitchy point. Am I misreading? Maybe I should introduce you to the bitch du jour, Naomi. LOL! You two can have a hay day with me as your topic! Okay--I feel better now that I got that off my chest. Again..if I misread and you were really not being a snide, snarkey, bitch...then I apologize. Sincerely I do.
I think my mother is staying until next Wednesday. Oh Lord...it will be a long week. Luckily, I have the time off from the office...though I will be busy with paperwork. I think J is gone until Monday which is going to be so hard on me. I told him to try to rush back so he can help out and entertain my mother with me. Yes, I love her with all of my heart...but she is rather, well, high maintenance. SURPRISE!
Storm - 13 years ago
Hi M., .. I appreciate your thoughts on Tony. I just went over to the date site and it showed that he was currently online at that moment and had just read my message. All I can do is wait and see if he has anything to say. I don't think I said anything strange, .. I just stumbled over a couple of my words as I was caught off guard that I would be talking to a machine and my voice went weak on me at one point. As for my not having a picture up or not being proud of my looks or self, truth is I don't know how to do it and I suppose I should take the time to learn which just hasn't been something I have made a priority. I honestly carry no digital camera on my old cell phone and haven't snapped a picture in at least a few years. I use to always buy those throw away cameras. I'm just not big into snapping pictures anymore. Pictures are kind of bittersweet and sometimes they are very hard to look at for me because they show people and pets that are no longer alive, or even very happy times that I can never get back and it is strange to me that looking at old photos that use to evoke smiles, now evoke tears. Can you understand? I like myself and my looks Michael so that is not why I don't have a picture up yet. ( Uh oh, there I go tooting my own horn again ) There may be some truth in what you said about me not taking this dating site thing serious enough to get a picture up. It did make me feel like I was offering myself up like a piece of meat and trying to sell myself. On that level, and when I think about it, .. it still bothers me a little bit as a picture would drive that point home even more, now wouldn't it! True, I have a camera I believe on my computer but I have only used skype once when I worked for the FCC a couple of years back. I don't know how to take a picture with it let alone get it over to my date profile. I will ask Jamie if he knows how to use it and see if I can figure it out. I have a distaste and dislike for having to read manuals and instructions. I prefer to just be shown. LOL
How long is your mom going to be staying with you? It sounds like you are in for a bit of stress even though you love your mom and she means well. At least she will move to a hotel I take it when you get back. How long will J be in DC? Is it going to be the end of February then when you will see Ana again?
---------------------- - 13 years ago
Can't say that you blew it...he seems like a good due and might just laugh it off...or understand that you were nervous. Dudes don't really dissect those things like women do and he may not give it much thought...as long as he doesn't get the impression you are weird or odd. I was thinking about how you refuse to put your picture up there (btw, the digital camera excuse isn't credible) and you might want to change that. I don;t think it is as much as men being superficial as they might think you have something to hide and cannot understand why you are not 'proud' of yourself and confident. I'd rather a plain looking women be proud of her appearance, stick her photo up then a women claiming she is very attractive and then provide excuses why her photo is not included. I'd contact the plain woman. It may give off the vibe that you really do not care and you are not serious about meeting dudes. Also...you have a camera on your new computer, I am sure, since they are all equipped now...so no flimsy excuses. You can even easily transfer a cell phone picture to your profile. I am just trying to help as I think there are some nice dudes out there who are questioning your seriousness about the site and they may not be willing to put themselves out there for someone who is not really interested in meeting dudes on line. Just one man's opinion.
My mother is coming tonight. J has left for DC and bro's caregiver is w/ him now. I am leaving here Saturday...do not like to think about it. Changed my flight 3 times already. I was considering putting it off to Sunday again...but my mom wants to see me and even Ana said "what difference will one day make...you will see me soon." As you have guessed...I did not 'end' it, much to Naomi's and J's dismay. My mother is not happy about staying at our place until I arrive home...but it will only be one night. Jeesh...she can be difficult. She prefers a hotel. J had the apartment completely cleaned for her and had a catering company stock the refrigerator with her favorite foods--she should be happy... anyway, she'll be sleeping in my room... LOL--wait until she opens the closet and sees all of J's stuff in there and all of his art work hanging on the walls and his gadgets, etc scattered about. IT is fairly obvious that he lives there full time. I expect many comments about that too.Talked to her last evening. Daniel told her about J's 'affair' with Roberto...as well as about Ana. So, as you can imagine, my mom is not the type to hold back commentary. "So it seems Jeffery is not that committed or that serious about you as he claims his affections dictate since he puts your health in danger with other sexual partners while you are away; well it is all for the best that you realize what type of person he is and then you can focus on your own life and, meeting someone worthy of you. He should have no problems attracting an intelligent homosexual man who is more his variety." I said "Mom, you do not know what happened. Don't listen to Daniel's half-account of this. Jeffery still feels the same about me, he made a mistake and I'm not going to punish him over it " Mom then said "but you said you are not committed so this should break you apart then, correct?" "No, mom, incorrect." Then she asked me about Ana "and what about this french girl Daniel mentioned, could it be serious?" I replied "I don't want to talk about it, I am leaving London soon and will not see her for a long while...so let's not go there please." She replied "sounds serious to me." LOL--mom is still hoping that her favorite child is straight-- and reproduces-- before her death.
Storm - 13 years ago
Ohhhh God! I think I've probably blown it with Tony. I tried calling him and an answer machine came on and beeped quicker than I anticipated and I became like a deer in headlights and froze! hahahaha When I began to speak I started out okay I guess but then I got all nervous and started stumbling over my words a bit. I'm sure he can tell I got nervous, so I left him this written message:
Hi Tony, .. Oh my God, I just tried calling you and left a message and I got all nervous!! hahaha Truth is, I'm not in the habit of calling or chasing guys and though I am very outgoing for the most part, there is a little part of me that is shy and that part of me decided to show up right in the middle of trying to leave you a message. LOL I didn't think I would get nervous but it was just like sudden stage fright! hahaha Anyway, I was just wanting to see how you were doing and I'm hoping with all my heart that your health is improving and you are feeling better everyday. I miss hearing from you, so if you feel so compelled, drop me a line or give me a call anytime. All my love, ... Barbara ::rose::
What do you think Michael, did I blow it with him?
Storm - 13 years ago
Did you have to go into work at all today or did you finish yesterday? Has your mom arrived yet? I'm sure she wants to spend some time with you as well. I was also curious how that girl is behaving now at J's work that was after him, since the party and seeing you two kiss. Has J noticed any fall out or people acting differently towards him?
------------------- - 13 years ago
Some men do take a sojourn to the other side (I was like that!) and I do not know that I would necessarily classify that as bisexual as much as bisexual leanings or as bi curious. I think R falls into that category bi curious category.
-------------- - 13 years ago
As I said...I closely resemble him...to the point my own brother mentioned it..and I was shocked to see his picture as well. He is a younger version of me...though maybe a bit less slim (though J claims he is fairly slim in person and taller than he looks in picture/video...also what J likes). He is me 10-15 years ago...and that is no word of a lie. My eyes are dark, yes. My eye shape may be a bit more almond due t my ethnicity...though being 1/2 European makes my eyes not appear typical east Asian. We could be bros.
Day was okay...am waiting for my baby to come home. She is so conscientious about work..such a hard worker and very committed..I admire that. She never sneaks out early as I often do. I just want to hold her since I won't have her for much longer...it is all very depressing for me :(
J sent me a nice note. Very nice...made me miss him a bit.
Storm - 13 years ago
Well, all I can say is 'R' is very hot and good looking and I would be very attracted to him. The eyes on a guy are the first thing I notice and like, and his are beautiful. Are your eyes just like his? :) I definitely like masculine acting men. The feminine acting ones can be quite handsome at times, and they make me smile. I think they are adorable and even comical at times and I love that about them.
Tristan is very good looking and hot and I like watching him too as you know, as well as Cody. I still slip over to those sites. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not watching something of that nature. I am a voyeur. That would have been hot as hell watching R and J together, as well as you and J. I have a great imagination. :)
So how was your day, love?
-------------------- - 13 years ago
Well, I know J and I know what he likes and I am sure he gave (a lot) as well as received oral. That is a 'no-brainer'. I believe that other act did not occur as J would not w/out protection for himself and his lover.. and this R is young, educated, surely knows that could be risky...it would be stupid. My impression from J was that R prefers to receive oral more than give ...typical for bi and bi-slanted men. I should know. Though I am sure since J stayed longer than an hour...it was a 2-way street...in fact, I am sure of it. J can coax anyone into doing that big unit, LOL! J likes both equally and I prefer receiving oral more, but happily engage in both.
Not so sure I agree with you that had Roberto not reminded J of me it would not have happened. Remember, they dated a year and a half back. I think their pairing was short lived due to Roberto's locale...but a week or two anyway. So the attraction was already there. He happens to be J's type...his preferred 'breed', as I am....though J readily admits that Roberto is "to young" for him. He is!! Anyway, my feeling is this kid is similar to me...very sexual, loves women, loves sex and is open to alternatives and options..so he meets a sexy, masculine, hot dude like J and is open-minded. I am sure that J seduced him when they first met when he hired him. J tells me he did not attempt to date him until after Roberto rejected the job offer to pursue his tomato and vegetable farming venture. J never dates dudes from work (would be stupid given his position) but he hires very hot looking guys. NOT a coincidence!
So, this Roberto you say seems hetero...I'd love for you to meet J and me because you would die. Nobody ever suspects we are a couple...and then they never suspect J is gay or I am anything but hetero. It is actually funny. J prefers masculine dudes as well. He tells me he has never dated a gay man, even though there are certainly some masculine gay men like him. He likes the idea of a man being bi and being with women too...makes them more masculine in his eyes which is a turn on. I happen to prefer masculine gay or bi dudes as well. Like Tristan. He is my type ;)
Storm - 13 years ago
I'm sure you're right in what went down between the two of them, and I don't think it would have happened had he not reminded J of you. In a sense, he was making love to you! It's good you're not holding that against him. It makes sense he is only bi-curious because he seems more heterosexual than anything, and I know I saw him checking out a girl when she walked by in the grocery market. I would guess J is definitely more the exception than the rule for him.
Storm - 13 years ago
You're so cute and I just absolutely adore you! I know you are not a barfly looking for one night stands with strangers. I detest guys that do that, and for the most part I am not at all fond of clubs and bars. Only if I go out with a bunch of friends will I even step foot in a club. Not the place I want to find a guy. I know you have high standards and you are selective. I would not like you if you didn't. When I first tried this online dating, I hated it and felt like I had just laid myself out like a piece of meat trying to sell myself. The first couple of weeks I came close many times to pulling my profile and forgetting the whole thing. But then I started meeting some real nice guys like Ran and Tony and it started to feel more exciting and natural to me, so now I like it for the most part and the nice thing is, my identity is protected until I decide to give out more personal info, I can easily drop the guys that creep me out or don't seem right, and I can literally correspond with guys around the world if I desire. I'm finding it fun now. I chickened out again on calling Tony last night. Hopefully I can get myself to do it today. I feel like my whole chance with him is picking the right timing to call him. If I can catch him in the right frame of mind I feel he will be more receptive to me. I just don't know of course when that is. I keep thinking that maybe around 7:30 or 8pm might be best. Not sure if he is home during the day.
You are right about Dennis. He was a clod. This Mike guy is three yrs older than me so I hope to God he isn't old looking! LOL I don't want to date a guy that reminds me of my dad! I really prefer younger guys because I don't look or feel like an old broad yet. LOL The kid in me still rules my life and hopefully will for a long time. I know this Mike works out at the gym regularly and is a bicyclist, so he should be in good shape physically speaking. Still, if he has an old looking face I might get weirded out! LOL I'm finding it fascinating how people age or don't age and why. Certainly genetics is a big factor, but so is lifestyle, eating habits, exercise and attitude is key as well. Look at Cher and Tina Turner and how good they look. I know Cher is at least in her sixties and I think Tina is even in her seventies now, and neither one looks older than late thirties or early forties. Simply amazing. Of course it doesn't hurt to have all the money in the world for botox and surgeries. LOL
So how was your night last night and what are you doing today? Are you back at work continuing your packing and organizing? Any idea yet when you are leaving, and did your mom make it in yet to take care of Daniel? How are you feeling now about everything?
--------- - 13 years ago
So, what I was trying to 'say', rather inarticulately, is that I do not have sex for the sake of fucking. I do not. I love it, I admit and sometimes feel as if I could go all day! But, it has to be with someone I know (not necessarily 'know well') and whom I really like...with the exception of the few (very few) cases where I was nearly seduced...or weakened under the pressure and spell of a seductress...like w/ Tara...that would have been a colossal mistake! It would have happened once only, for that I am sure. But, it was like she was waving her goods in front of me on a silver platter.....saying "TAKE IT...NOW"!...... and she is young and attractive...it is hard for a man to resist. You have no idea! But that for me was the exception. Get it? So my relationships may involve frequent ....and if I am lucky...very good sex. This does not mean that my relationships are built on sex or revolve only around sex or that if the sex declines for a time that the relationship ends. you are extrapolating based on your own personal pre-conceived notions, ma dear.
Well, our plans didn't quite pan out last night. We made love as soon as Ana got home (like she even had a choice!)..which was rather late. Then we dined out...very late. When we arrived back home...I cuddled with her on my sofa prepared to put her in the mood again ...only I was the one who fell asleep! She must have woken me in the middle of the night to coax me into bed as I woke up in my underwear in my bed at 6:00 am. God...I must be getting old!
Re: Roberto the Southern tomato farmer I can't believe I confused hm w/ that other kid). He is not gay, he is...according to J bisexual or straight with Bi leanings. J tells me (And I believe this) that he is the only dude that Roberto has been with. He had or has a girlfriend. Looking at him,. he is not gay in my estimation...though I was also surprised when I first met J years ago and leaned he was gay. J was Roberto's first and only male sexual experience when they met about 18 months ago. Like my friend from work Alicia said to me upon meeting J "Wow, he could turn a straight man gay and make a dead man c**" Back when they first met, Roberto was going to work for J's company as an executive and did the tomato thing on the side. But he gave up his lofty corporate dreams and high paid position to devote to the tomato and vegetable farming enterprise which, apparently, is doing quite well. He came to NY to meet with J as an update on the prospectus and profits which is typical for investors...I assume J is an investor. Generally, J is too busy and too much of a 'higher up' to meet with these people...but of course with his former love interest..he made an exception. I am sure he wanted to see him anyway which I understand. Roberto was staying at the W hotel which has a nice restaurant so suggested they meet there. Mistake! To make a long story short...he had some literature in his room to give to Jeffery and offered to retrieve it. J told him give it to him after dinner on his way out. J said he followed him to this suite the whole time thinking he would wait outside and not go in. But he sad he stepped in and touched him on the shoulder...and then R responded by touching his shoulder and then it "just happened." I did not ask J what they did specifically. I only asked if he used a condom and he remarked "that didn't happen so there was no need.". He told me he did not envision this so had no condoms and neither did R. I think it was kissing touching and oral, of course. And it was over a 5 hour time period so certainly more than once (am assuming his magical number of 3). He takes blame and tells me he apologized to R , though R seemed to be fine about it. Then J said to me "he reminded me so much of you. I know that sounds trite and like an excuse...but I missed you, and he looked so much like you". LOL!--so do all of J's boyfriends! Yup, the dude has a type! No spell check ..sorry...in a hurry ..
------------- - 13 years ago
Well, again, you misunderstand me...or fail to understand my lack of any motive as it may relate to intimate relations and my standards when it comes to relationships. I do not sleep around...you think that I do. I do not have sex with unknown partners...you assume that I do. I would not feel comfortable having intimate relations with someone to whom I really do not know. I would be almost a bit embarrassed....self-conscious, believe it or not. I do not do on-line dating or engage in 'blind dates'...have only done so once and it was a failure. I was set up for a date with a woman I did not know at all. We spoke on the phone once or twice and exchanged one or two e-mails....but the 'date' was the first personal, 3-D exposure I had to her. I found it unnatural, uncomfortable, forced.She liked me and that was obvious. I am certain that she would have come back to my place for pleasure...but I did not offer. I felt uncomfortable, awkward...and the situation was a bit unwieldy. In truth, it would have taken me a few dates to be intimate with her. Mind you...there was nothing wrong with her...she was attractive, smart (a physician) and very well-mannered, agreeable, nice. But the forced setting made me feel as if I needed a more natural setting to 'get-to-know' her first. Never called her for another date...but did thank her for a nice time and an enjoyable, lively conversation. This was 3 years ago and my friend at work was so pissed at me for not pursuing her. So, now when someone wants to fix me up with a stranger...I just use J as my excuse. "I'm seeing someone else" always works fine. Now, having written that...at the point that I become celibate for a year or more...I will absolutely try these methods to seek companionship..blind dates, set-ups, on-line dating and the like. No let me explain to you what my standard is as far as "courting" a date and adhering to the socially accepted dating ritual. I have never had to! I have always dated people I know...from work, from friends...always people I have met and were first colleagues or friends or friends of friends, acquaintances. This does not mean that I would not take a date to dinner..of course I would ..I do! I just never have to go through the "number of dates guideline" that you and many others, presumably adhere to. I generally already know the woman (or men) with whom I date! It was a bit different with Ana as I have not been here very long and do not know that many people due to my abbreviated employment and relocation. But, before I asked her out for a after-party night cap ....we had some very deep hearty conversations at work. She was having tea in my office each morning, We had traveled (locally in London) to a client's office on 3 or 4 occasions, etc. While I did not know her well...I knew her and I liked her. With Bea, the first time w met 3-D...we had sex later in the evening...however, we had been corresponding through work (and we got very personal....) for a year; we spoke on the phone for a year; I felt I knew her as if we had gone out on a few dates...maybe better. Majority of my relationships begin as friends...fun, laughing, having lunch, etc. I don't feel the need to pretend that I have to adhere to these American cultural rituals..unless of course the woman (or dude) wants to...and in my experience, they never do. Does this mean that I do not treat my lady friend to dinner? Of course not! I consistently dine with them...and treat them to plays, concerts, movies, and whatever else they fancy...and I insist on paying 100% of the time because that is how I was brought up. And yes, I walk them to their cars (unlike that clod you dated), and I open the car door, open all doors for them to enter and exit an establishment or a home, stand when they leave the table, stand again when they return, pullout their chair to sit, pull it out again when when they stand up, help her w/ her coat, etc.....that date-dude was rude and ill-mannered. Just sayin'
Storm - 13 years ago
I just got a reply this evening from Ran Webber out of the blue. I thought he had fallen away as it has been a few weeks since we last talked. It seems a number of the shallow ones fall away when I don't produce a picture of myself on my profile. I am looking for guys who aren't so superficial and are willing to take a leap of faith when I tell them I am attractive. A few are sticking with me. Ran seemed to think I had fallen away from him. Not true, I left him the last message, but maybe he forgot. He is the architect and artist that lives in Buffalo, NY and is working on that fabulous Skyway Project. I may try to call Tony tonight. I feel like timing is everything and just hope I can catch him at a good time when he feels like talking to someone.
Storm - 13 years ago
- ran out of keystrokes- continued: or is it something new you want her to do? Details please! :) Has she taken a bath with you before, or just given you a bath? Maybe my hot little scenario before of my taking a bath with you and having you lean back on my bare chest has inspired you! Could that be? :) Enjoy, .. I'm sure it will be a most delightful experience with her. ;)
Storm - 13 years ago
Michael, .. I think honestly that you are more the exception than the general rule that most people still follow to this day! :) And that is, .. courtship and dating before sex. I also think that with 'most' people, an affection and closeness starts to build first in other ways through knowing them outside the bedroom first. With you, it is the opposite. Your affection usually starts to build after the bedroom ritual and you find out they are compatible and great in bed with you. I remember Ellery pointing that out one time in one of her posts, so I know I am not the only one to observe this. I am not saying anything is wrong with this and you are not alone as there are others who do it that way too, but what happens when the sex starts to die down or one partner doesn't want it as often as the other? What is left to hold each other together? I have seldom if ever fallen into bed with anyone after a first date. I like having time to build on the expectation of making love with that person and making sure they are right for me and that I want to take things further with them. I like feeling the affection growing day by day and starting to feel a longing for them. I feel if it is instant gratification right from the git go, it is more likely to be a flash in the pan that will not last because it was not built from a solid foundation of taking the time to really know and understand each other. You and I have taken 2 years or more now to get to know each other, and I have a pretty good understanding of who you are and I love and accept and absolutely adore you Michael. The minute we meet in person, it isn't likely anytime will be wasted as my desire for you has had plenty of time to build. I don't think I could wait any longer. The longest I can fathom is getting from the airport to your place or a hotel before I begin ripping your clothes off. If I am really good at that moment of controlling myself, then it might be nice to spend half an hour of talking to you face to face while I gaze into your eyes for the first time and I have a chance to caress your face or hold your hand and feel the warmth and hotness of the chemistry building between us. That might be nice if we can do that when first we meet.
Surely you know I wasn't calling Ana a whore, but instead was referring to what your first intention was with her which was a simple limited time dalliance which she did agree to enter into with you. That's all I was trying to say, so please don't take offense when none was intended. She conducts herself with dignity and is very much a sweet and caring thoughtful lady, and I do like her. She's good for you and keeps you happy so that in turn makes me happy.
I have decided not to return any replies to that Dennis dude I had the date with. Besides the premature suggestion that I should now 'cook' for him, he didn't offer to walk me to my car or extend a few other manners that a true cultured gentleman should have offered. There is another guy named Mike that I have been corresponding with for a couple of months now and I just gave him my phone number so we can start talking on the phone. He is also Hispanic. In case you don't know, there are plenty of that ethnicity here. LOL Hispanic guys don't bother me and seem to really light up when they see me. I'm guessing it is because of my long blonde hair, green/gold eyes and fair skin. I imagine they like my figure too. Hispanic women on the other hand seem to betray me and turn two face, .. don't know if it is jealousy or what.
Mike just called me and we talked for the first time over the phone and he wants to take me out to dinner and a drink. We haven't set a date yet, and he had a client walk in while we were talking, so we will set something up later. He has a nice low soothing voice but he talks so low and soft that I have trouble hearing him. I guess we will see how this one goes.
So is it your little fetish you want her to do, or someth
correction to above - 13 years ago
First paragraph should read "I told her too much about myself and my exploits."
and then read "not sure if she has slept with anyone since she split with her husband, but she needs it in a bad way."
bad, naughty boy - 13 years ago
She never told me she was sexually attracted to me...and perhaps, it was not a sexual attraction as much as an attraction of another sort..but surely I could tell it was there and that she was, indeed, attracted to me. She definitely changed though when we became closer and as she got to know me better (I have that affect on some women). I told her too much. Not sure she has slept with anyone since she split with her husband...but she needs it in a b about myself and my exploits.
Okay--I don't quite get your references to archaic dating rituals and the antiquated language with regard to relationships..."court her in a respectable and serious sort of fashion" LOL! How very Victorian of you! I don't do that. I do not decide...am not capable of deciding... if I my "heart and emotions are involved" prior to "anything happening". Gosh....saying that "she was not about to participate with you for pure, momentary sex in the beginning as Ana was..." ...LOL! This makes Ana sound like a whore and she is not. There is nothing wrong with wanting and enjoying sex with a good person, ma dear. It is what leads to a greater love and affection...for me anyway. And truly I respect Ana much more than I ever respected Naomi. Not to say that Naomi is not deserving of respect...she is, she is a loyal friend to Ana and a wonderful, doting single mother and works very hard at her career to provide for her child. But to me, Ana has earned my respect...not by fucking me, but by showing me her kindness, her vulnerability, being my friend and being truthful and honest about who she is and how she feels and by loving me and being there for me, and yes...by fulfilling my desires. So, I guess if what you say is true (may or may not be), then Naomi clearly miscalculated her moves and underestimated me.
I asked Ana if she was unhappy about me leaving knowing that I will be sharing my bed, again, with Jeffery and resuming our sexual relationship. She told me "I am unhappy that you are leaving but no, I am not sad about you sharing your bed with him...I am not. I am thankful that he loves you so much and will be there to care for you."
Ana asked me what I wanted to do tonight and told me "it is your night, I am all yours, tell me and we will plan what you like." Sooooooooo...I told her I wanted to make love the moment she walks through the door (big shock!)...then go out for a late dinner, come back and make love again (I was very specific what this would involve but I will be tame right here), and then she can join me in a warm bath--which she neglected to do last night :( -- and in my large tub she can do some nasty, naughty, lovely things of her choosing to me. And after the bath we can, perhaps, have another round of lovemaking. She said "darling I do not know if we will have time for all of that..I have to work early tomorrow". So I told her in that case we can skip dinner ;)
Storm - 13 years ago
If Naomi was at one time sexually attracted to you, she probably still is on at least that level, so I feel fairly confident she has conflicted feelings about you and probably also felt an attraction to you a bit on an emotional level as well when she saw how tender and attentive you were with her son. She may have even been hoping that once she gained your respect, that you might have wanted to date and court her in a respectable and serious sort of fashion. She was not about to participate with you for pure momentary sex in the beginning as Ana was willing to do, but that didn't mean necessarily that she wasn't still interested in you. She just wanted your heart and emotions involved if anything was to happen between the two of you. So I am of the inkling to believe there is likely some form of envy and jealousy as well that you and Ana have hit it off with each other, along with feeling sad that you no longer spend much time with her and Thomas, and of course she doesn't want to see her friend upset as well. I think that Michael, .. is the full picture of what is going on with her. In time I think the rift with her will heal.
Are you still at work? Will Ana be home early with you tonight? Did you ever get your sensuous bath last night? And yes, I would love to know what happened with Roberto, finally.
------------------- - 13 years ago
Ma dear, I hardly slipped up. I was able to restrain myself by withdrawing before my critters swam the English Channel. Though I will be more cautious in the future. So there is really nothing to tell J now is there? I mean...last time I was not so strong and did released in the Bermuda Triangle. Then Pregnancy was a real threat so I did mention it to him in conversation. Due to the nature of our activity, J and I (well mostly "I'') use condoms. But I won't get into that..it is a safety issue and a health issue in certain vicinities. Get my drift? I have 100% sued protection during this type of activity always with both genders. J is protected as I have never f----- him w/ out one. Ever. Is this your concern? Hey, I am not as promiscuous as you seem to think...I just like sex. I have standards and am discriminating.
I was never that attracted to Naomi or for very long. Yes, when we first met she was very gregarious and friendly and really sweet, bubbly and we became instant friends. I didn't get a taste of her bitchy side then...which I am not at all fond of in women. I don't "do" bitchy. But I was not looking for female love at that point. Things changed a bit with J, and when I began looking, the only women I knew who liked me was Naomi...yes, I could tell for sure that she was a bit attracted to me sexually. But that ended fairly quickly the more friendly we became. She thought (and still thinks) I am a pig and a lothario, so became disinterested fairly quickly. She has made no secret of that. She is a bit prudish I think, a bit matronly looking as well. Her face is very cute, but she looks very conservative and dresses stodgy...not really my type. Another reason I did not pursue her is because of her son and her horrid x husband. I though that it would be unkind to get involved w/ someone who had her hands full trying to raise a child and deal with an arse of an x husband....she did not need any more problems or conflicts I thought. Anyway...Ana is more attractive, more slender (though not really thin) and shapely and sexier than Naomi (I would not describe Naomi as sexy). Well, the fact that she is also a raving bitch too has completely turned me off...as I said...and I just don't do bitchy. I did notice Ana at work...but again, was not actively looking. I knew she was dating the separated dude who also works there...and they had been an item for a while. Besides...she was very confident with her posture and gave off that 'unavailable' impression. She was (and is) rather quiet, reserved in nature...she was not someone I would have assumed would be interested in me. And then I noticed one day that she was coming by more, talking to me, etc. And this was about the time I was seeing a lot of J going home, etc. missing him...so I didn't really pay much mind to it. Anyway, I took notice once J was being a bad little boy and "allowed" me to freely see women....She is awesome and I wished I had become involved with her sooner.
I think you are correct...when I was upset with Ana for not being with me when her work mates were in town for 2 days and for leaving me the few days before for Paris...Naomi felt badly for her friend. I even feel badly about how I treated Ana...but it was because I loved and missed her and wanted her with me. I don't blame Naomi for being angry over how I treated Ana..I made her cry most profusely with y cruel words...and it even made me sad to think what I did. I don't like to think about that. Naomi thinks I was selfish and behaved like a spoiled child who lost their binky, LOL!
More on J's Roberto later...I'll give you the scoop. Have to get some stuff done. No spell check
Storm - 13 years ago
Just curious: When was the last time Naomi had a boyfriend or romance in her life? Any idea? Wasn't she showing an interest in you in the beginning, or do I remember that wrong?
Storm - 13 years ago
I think you know what I meant in regards to whether you told J. He hopes you will always be smart enough to put on your raincoat EACH and EVERY TIME!! So I take it you did not mention you slipped up. :) Anyway .....
I think J may be on to something about Naomi. She probably does miss what she had with you, and I wonder also if there might not be just a tinge of possible regret and envy because I am sure she picked up on your earlier hints and talks with you that it could have been her you started an affair with instead of Ana. She kind of turned you down, and now she sees her friend in love with you instead. Do you follow me? You did half heartedly try to start up with her in the beginning. Was she more appealing to you than Ana? It didn't seem to me that Ana even attracted you that much in the beginning, or at least you never mentioned to me that you had the hots for her at anytime. It seemed like it was only after Naomi mentioned that Ana was interested in you that you only then noticed her. Am I wrong? I am sure part of her anger at you comes from seeing Ana crying or unhappy at times in relation to her situation with you.
------------- - 13 years ago
"Does J know what happened?" What do you mean? Nothing happened...we only had sex, why what would I be telling J? He knows that Ana and I are sexually active if that's what you mean. I never tried to hide that from him. Maybe she should go on the pill. She seems to think that we do it a lot, LOL! The other night she said "Michael, sometimes I like to sleep or only make love once during the evening...I get tired from work and am not always that energized for more than one episode a night on all nights." LOL--I am usually able to change her mind pretty quickly though :)
Naomi said what she need and I have been ignoring her. J hinted yesterday that maybe a small part of her anger directed at me is because she does not see me as much ..I don't visit her often now that I am busy with Ana and she may feel a little deprived of male attention, left out...and is overreacting. Though J still feels she is really considering Ana's well being.
Had a talk with h
Storm - 13 years ago
Okay my precious one, .. no more lectures about safe sex but please encourage her to get on the pill and if she is more than three days late with her period, then best check for pregnancy for peace of mind especially before you leave her if possible. She will need you to comfort her and figure things out if it ends up positive. When is her period due? Does J know what happened?
I hope you can avoid Naomi. She is probably glad you will be leaving soon sorry to say. I hope you can get out of the office as quickly as possible so she doesn't corner you again. I don't know what else she can say to you that she hasn't already said but I'm sure she will try to think of something. I would imagine you will have mixed feelings today and that is to be expected so just do your best to think positive.
Do you like banana bread? I bought three bananas several days ago that I never got around to eating and now they are too ripe for my taste so I am going to make them into banana bread today. Wish you were around 'cause I would make you a loaf to take with you. All my love, .. Storm
-------------- - 13 years ago
^^Baaaaad typos..sorry. very rushed today...Hopefully you can decipher my very poor spelling and vocab, LOL!
--------------------- - 13 years ago
I think you fail to comprehend that what I did people use as an effective method of birth control all over the world. IT is probably only slightly else effective than condoms! She won't get pregnant and I already promised her I won;t take chances and do it again. Okay mommy? The odds of any of my little critters begin released in minute numbers and creeping up those fallopian tubes is exceedingly rare! Yes, it could happen...but very unlikely. Last time I did not even withdraw so that was the issue. Please do not worry. She would think I was cukooo if I requested a pregnancy test for just that. LOL--she asked me a couple of weeks ago if she should go on the pill considering the frequency of our sex...I told her it was up to her...perhaps I should have said "hell yes" !
Am in the office cleaning thing sup and organizing stuff to shop for the move. I'll probably be in tomorrow too. More later..gotta run...
Storm - 13 years ago
I'm glad you told me babe, don't regret it. Yes, I'm going to smack your hand because you know you are being reckless, careless, a bit selfish, and you're playing Russian roulette of a sort with the possible future of her life, a potential baby's life, and even your own future. Why? Because you don't want to ruin the thrill. ARE YOU CRAZY? Darling, you know it only takes one sperm to impregnate and yours appear to be very healthy and bouncing off the walls. If you're not worried then you're not keeping it real! A tiny amount of pre-ejaculate containing only a few sperm will do the trick and make a baby, so quit kidding yourself and taking chances. I fear this will keep happening with you so why not ask her to get on the pill? She needs to get responsible for her own safety as well and use protection. It probably wouldn't hurt to go ahead and pick up a pregnancy test and find out now if there is a positive return on the test instead of waiting for her period which may be messed up on timing considering what happened last month. What would it hurt? Better you're there to support her in case it's positive than finding that out after you're gone, right? It's also better to find it out as early as possible so you can discuss your options and certainly abortion is less traumatic all the way around the earlier it is performed, should that be what she decides to go through. Please don't get upset with me for anything I've said here, because I care and I'm now worried once again for the sake of both of you. That's just the way it is ...
---------------- - 13 years ago
No, I am not desiring to become a father. I will be perfectly happy in this life without ever having to reach that particular milestone...though I am not averse to the possibility should it happen...but, I am not trying to MAKE it happen either consciously or subconsciously, I assure you! I never should have told you. Yes, I agree with you that Ana probably miscarried. Not to be graphic...but there was a lot of blood. I think she knows for sure she did, but tired to minimize it for me. But understand that I did ejaculate in her that time. Yes, I know that a very small amount of semen can be released pre-ejaculation...but only a tiny l amount. I promise you that I am not concerned like last time...at all. I really did pull out in plenty of time and I think it was because I did see how she suffered a bit last time...even given the very early stage of what was most likely a miscarriage. And I do not wish to put her through what I put Elizabeth through. If it makes you feel better...I put one on this evening during activity (well, 2 ...1 each time) ...so I am learning! I am not beyond reform! I was telling you this about me and about J so you would cut your son a break...we are ALL guilty of this idiocy! And with J it is worse because I think Sam would be ecstatic to birth his progeny. I think he (not me) is the one who need be careful. I am starting to fade off and have wasted 2 hours on line this evening so need to sleep. So late.
Storm - 13 years ago
Baby you are going to get her pregnant! I know you are aware that withdrawing before ejaculation is not good enough! Are you desiring to become a father? It is not fair to her babe. Look what she went through with the miscarriage and I am certain that is what happened. It is painful as hell to go through that. Have you talked to her about getting her on the pill? You are obviously thinking of continuing sex with her in the future so see if you can't get her to do that because darling your will is weak. I understand about not wanting to ruin the moment but my God, now we have to worry and wait to see if her next period comes! Did it happen when she was likely to be fertile? Her period should be coming soon, right? Honey, you don't want to further complicate your life and hers by an unplanned pregnancy and you know your sperm is EXTREMELY strong and turbo powered to evidently last for days. You can't keep fucking up like this! You're going to be very lucky if you aren't already a daddy in the making.
Storm - 13 years ago
Is your work complete now for the time being, or will you have to go into work tomorrow as well? It would be best perhaps if you can avoid being around Naomi for now, .. even if that means not seeing Thomas which is sad, but if she is only going to glare at you while you visit with him, he is likely to pick up on that and that won't be good for anyone. Ana will certainly comfort you once she gets home.
I was asking you earlier about Roberto, and whether he is gay or bi, and whether that was his first time experience with what happened. Also was inquiring if it was just an oral thing or whether there was more.
Try to rest and sleep, and drift yourself off into dream thought where I am running your bath water and beckoning you to get in. Maybe I will be waiting for you already in the bath and you can climb into the nice warm water and lean your back against my chest and I will rub your chest and belly with a nice soaking wet soft cloth while you close your eyes and relax and I'll hold you. Then I'll start rubbing something else a little lower down while you reach up and kiss me on my neck and then on my mouth. Sound good? :) XOX
-------------- - 13 years ago
LOL---your unprotected sex comment made me laugh..."some reason people go stupid"..true! I didn't learn my lesson for sure...and I am smart, educated in my late 30's! But even I go stupid!
You will hate to learn that it happened again with Ana...twice last week no condoms. Why? Who knows...caught up in the moment...interruption breaks the thrill...she was the one who kept saying "go get them Michael". But, in my defense I showed Herculean restraint and withdrew right before orgasm, both times. And what about J and Sam? He used nothing with her every time as she claims to be on the pill (and he did not withdraw). Another Ivy-leagued educated man in his 30's....it matters not who you are...we ALL go stupid!
--------------- - 13 years ago
Well, I agree with your son on this one, not that you solicited my opinion. While your heart was in the right place...it was not your place to contact her. There may be a reason...and for his own mental health...that he needs to sever that relationship completely, which by extension, includes this woman's child. Maybe he did not want to be a father and this girlfriend is manipulative or malevolent and has personal issues and it best he just leave this experience, and the aftermath behind. If she does not want to maintain the relationship, there is no way it will happen without a big fight and a lot of pain aimed his way. You cannot make him want to be a father and you cannot make him a good father. It best he wait until such time he is ready, if ever. He needs to move on past this. It seems your efforts, while laudable, may cause him more pain and heartache. This woman has control and whatever she wants to do with this child ...you will have no say. Unless he had a relationship with this child (if he raised her during her formative years) it seems best to try to get on with his life without her and that mother of hers. Probably best you forget about the little girl too--luckily you did not really develop a relationship with her.
I know you asked me something else but I cannot recall...so I need to run home now. I am so tired and stressed. I have not booked my flight yet...am putting off the inevitable. LOL--don't even know when I am leaving still. I am sick of hearing this crap from Naomi...trying so hard to make me feel guilty and ya know...she is right in many ways. Don't care for her execution though. Lucky for me both Ana and J have been awesome. Even J...told me it was okay and he will still love me no matter what I do re: Ana or how it fleshes out. I am going to go home and nap and try to sleep off this depression. Ana will be home late. Hate when she is not here with me. I need a warm bath and my belly rubbed...LOL!
Storm - 13 years ago
He hasn't been with her in 2 yrs. That was an old email, and they barely communicate with each other. I called her when he was on that trip to Carmel,CA this past summer, because I wanted to check on Holly and see how she was, so Amanda and I talked for maybe 20 minutes and I was hoping to establish communication and put things back on peaceful ground and told Amanda that I have never had bad feelings about her and that she would be welcome in my home if she ever comes back to New Mexico, and that I thought it was too bad things ended as they did between the two of them ( Jamie & her ). She was very nice to me. I didn't tell Jamie right away and instead waited a few weeks down the road. When I did select a moment when I thought he might be receptive, he blew up and was livid with me, especially that I had invited her to stay here if she visits. He just told me, " You don't know her and you need to trust me on this so don't talk to her!" I told him I did it for Holly's sake and that I miss her terribly and told him that if we don't stay in contact, she could move and we will lose contact with her. He seems fine with that and seems to not want anything to do with Holly, and I just don't understand how he can turn his back on his own daughter. I asked him that and he told me that he isn't ready to be a father and that he needs to work on himself and get his act together before he can help Holly. I agree with you that the abortion was the best decision and she must have gotten pregnant when Holly was around a year old. You would have thought they had learned their lesson about unprotected sex but for some reason people go stupid! Even my own kid, and I talked with him and warned him plenty about unprotected sex especially once he reached high school and I thought I had covered all the bases. He just didn't listen.
Are you okay, honey? I'm sorry you're down. Talk to me. What can I say or do to help you? I'm sending you a big hug so maybe if you close your eyes you can feel me wrapping my arms around you ..... everything is going to be alright, I promise.
--------------- - 13 years ago
It is better that his gf got the abortion. He needs to learn his lesson and stop f-ing her...or wear a condom. She doesn't sound like a good mother and needs to stop duplicating her sub-par genetic material. Sorry.
---------------- - 13 years ago
I am very depressed today, rock bottom. :(
Storm - 13 years ago
Hi M., .. Well, her opinion really doesn't matter so ignore her. Is this your last day at work? If so, then you won't even have to be around her. I take it Ana is still expected to show up at work, right?
I'm glad you see what this dude said as a bit rude and presumptive as well. He didn't even give me the chance to offer that to him, which I may have done a few dates down the road, but he really has just blown it with me and I don't think I would even enjoy a second date out and about with him now, because it now feels like he is just looking for a surrogate wife replacement to be his maid and cook, and yes, it did raise a red flag in my mind that he may have been thinking about my bedroom and thinking he could then try to get cozy with me. Not happening, .. not even in a million years or another lifetime! I would rather have ants eat me alive! haha
I was wondering, is that Roberto guy bisexual or is he gay? I wonder if he has been with dudes before this incident that happened. He sure is cute and doesn't strike me as gay at all. In one of the videos he is even staring at and admiring a girl that walks by. If I'm not being too inquisitive, was it just the oral act that took place that night, because if there was more, I sure hope one of them had condoms readily available.
I went over to the date site and reread Tony's messages to me and they are just so damn sweet and he doesn't seem to be afraid to express his emotions, ... just like you do. Women love that, and it's a shame more guys don't open up like that. Neither Jamie's dad or I taught him to stuff his emotions, so he is generally pretty good at expressing himself, though he opens more to his dad than me for some reason. He knows I'm open minded and shared about his bisexuality when I asked because I already suspected that, but he doesn't want to open up about what went down between him and Amanda, which is the girl that had his daughter. He had been using my computer the other day and had checked his email and forgot to sign off from it. I saw an old message to him from Amanda so I snooped and opened it up. I found out they aborted a second pregnancy of his child, and she didn't want the abortion but he basically forced her to get it. That kind of shocked me. I don't dare bring it up or talk to him about it because he would hand me my head on a silver platter if he knew I had snooped into his mail. One time he left his journal on his bed that he keeps of his personal thoughts and I picked it up and started reading it. I questioned him about a few things in it freely admitting I had read it, and he was very angry at me, feeling I had violated his privacy which yes, I did. So, I don't look at his journal anymore. If I pick up any trouble signs like depression or a sudden change in his behavior, then I may snoop again to see what I can find, but he seems happy and stable so I see no need to do that at this time.
Well babe, I hope things continue to go well for you and Ana and you can enjoy every moment you share together. Don't let anyone's opinions including mine as well, get in your way of doing whatever you feel is right for you. Okay? I love you jelly bean! :)
------------------ - 13 years ago
Yes...after I wrote the piece last night about feeling the same way the first time I made love to Liz as I did with Ana....and you inferred that it was possibly the same with Bea. I thought about that directly after posting it and yes, I did fall for Bea quite readily as well. Though I recall the first time we had sex it was very torrid and dirty and of that sort (not that I didn't love it...I did!). But I would say within a few weeks I knew it was love what I felt for her was, at the time, real. Yes, I loved her...just not the kind of love that has longevity. Time proved that. I guess after getting slapped, pushed and verbally assaulted a few times by your lover...it can force one to be feel less than amorous. In the matter of 5 or 6 months (and living together, being together every day) Bea went from calling me her 'mon coeur' to a "c---- su----- faggot!" when she was upset about my sexuality and lack of commitment (though I never dated another women when we were together). LOL! You females are a strange breed...if you are not angry at the dude...then one of your friend is...LOL!
correction - 13 years ago
Last paragraph correction: She was not "amused".
------------------- - 13 years ago
The comment is not only indicative of very uncouth behaviors, as well as being highly presumptuous...but it is sexist as well. Seems like he paid for one dinner and a movie and does not want to do it a 2nd time,...or maybe he wants to come over your house thinking that he'll have a better opportunity to get you in bed. That is how dude's think. I admit I love when a woman cooks for me and even feeds me (I know..I know...) however, I would never PRESUME she wants to do that or is willing to, I always wait for the offer, and maybe throw in some hints here and there...and I'd never come out and ask especially after only a first platonic date. I'd do one of 2 things: either respond saying "Trust me, you do not want to experience my cooking" or "You are so FUNNY!...let me know if you'd like to meet up for friendly conversation again another time in the future."
Naomi just left my office a while ago...closed and locked my door and chewed me out. She was harsh...very harsh. I didn't bother responding at first, I was ignoring her, not looking at her even and only said "Sorry mommy, can I come out of my room now." She was not assumed and yelled at me even saying "Why do you have to be such a shit"!!? I think she is trying to not only drive me away form Ana...but drive me out of the entire country. It's working too.
Storm - 13 years ago
The date dude just blew it with me. I left him a message yesterday evening thanking him when I got home one last time on his profile message board for a lovely evening, and then this morning he left me this message:
so Barb what happens from here? maybe you can suggest the next move. we talked alot and i enjoyed being with you too. make a couple of suggestions and we can go from there. would love to see what kind of cook you are.
COOK !! That's a little premature and in fact rude I think to hint that he now wants me to "cook" for him when I did not offer that at any time! I would love and have already offered to cook for you Michael, but this dude just turned me off with that little not so subtle hint. He is 50 yrs old and going through a divorce. If he had touched me, the date would have gone bad, but he did not so I enjoyed the time with him. I am not attracted to him physically at all, and his personality is mediocre at best. There is just no spark or chemistry that I felt from it, but he seemed to like me. I could maybe like him as a friend in platonic fashion only, but now he wants me to cook for him already. Well, I don't think so!! I have not responded back to him and I'm debating if I even should. I'm still thinking about that one. I chickened out on calling Tony today. I have never really chased after men before so I feel shy about doing this, but in his case I will, maybe tomorrow if I feel the urge and mood to do it. I figure I can always show him concern and that I care about his health so I will start by asking him how he is doing and go from there. It did feel nice to have an actual date and get out for the evening instead of staying home all night like I usually do, .. it would just be nice to do it with a guy I feel chemistry with.
Didn't you also feel the same way with Bea, as you felt with Elizabeth and now Ana? I had the impression that was pretty instantaneous as well.
------------------- - 13 years ago
I am not "confused on what (I) should do". Nor am I searching for a "clear cut answer" to present itself. I am confident in how I feel and what Ana feels for me. I am, however, in partial opposition to what Naomi feels are sufficient reasons to dissolve this relationship....though I admit that she may have some (not all) valid points re: me, personally (sans the insults).
Look...I want to be with her and I knew this the first time we were together alone....the first time we made love. Sounds like a romantic, fanciful notion, yes? Since that first time, my feelings have grown. I have only felt this way having been with someone new only one other time in my life and it was the first time I made love to Elizabeth. Yes, it can be dismissed as infatuation if you must...and only time will tell if it is more. I don't feel like this is a passing fancy and I don't feel like I need look for any hard answers. I am very confident in how I feel. I am trying to figure how to fit her...us...into my complex life. My first priority is Daniel. And then Jeffery. I love them both. I will not abandon or hurt either of them. Especially Daniel, of course. I will have to come back to London periodically as I have been traveling here since 2003 at least once or twice monthly. If I leave here before the end of January (which looks imminent) I'll be back in February for a wrap-up meeting and maybe one other time that month. I see no urgency in breaking it off w/her now knowing I'll be back. Why hurt her now when it is not necessary? All I know is that I want to be with her and have her near me and sleep next to her. I'm good with her.
Did the date dude call you to thank you for a great time? How old is he? Is he cougar-bait? LOL! Have you heard form Tony yet? Just think...if you visit him, you can swing by an visit me too. Very convenient.
Storm - 13 years ago
Honey, your bisexuality is not a fault or defective part of you and you know I am not saying that. Many people on this planet don't accept that as 'normal' but that is their problem. I doubt Ana has come across a bisexual guy that she has ever fallen in love with. I am simply trying to say that I am sure she wishes your life was less complicated and that you were free of any other relationships such as you harbor with J. And I'm sure she wishes you were not still carrying a torch and desire to get Elizabeth back. This is not a stretch to believe Michael. When I am talking about what women in love want, I am talking mainstream and the majority of women. I am wondering if you are simply afraid to ask her what she wishes she could have from you. She has never been married, has no kids yet, and she is 36? Do I remember her age correctly? You don't think she has longed to get married and settle down with one true love? I bet you peas to beans she has thought of that and wanted it. I bet if you proposed right now to her she would say yes, as insane as that sounds. Love is insanity half the time! LOL You two are still in that euphoric infatuated stage and don't really know each other very well yet. I'm not saying you aren't in love, you say and feel you are so I believe you. I know that feeling well and I miss it. I will get back to something I told you before and I really mean this Michael. Live in the moment and enjoy what you have now with her. If confused on what you should do, then take it day by day. That has always worked for me. A clear cut answer will present itself sooner or later. I wish you joy and love, you know that.
---------------------- - 13 years ago
LOL--- the "nature of women"? Do you mean and speak for ALL women? So ALL women wish a man they have been dating and having sex with for 5 weeks would propose to and marry them? I think not! I don't even have a vagina and I know that is false. Perhaps some woman may feel this way ...certainly NOT most. Who the fuck would want to actually marry me?? LOL! I'm not such a bargain, if you haven't noticed.
I cannot ask her what her "heartfelt desire" is. Then if I cannot fulfill it...would not that be cruel? Like leading her on? All I know is that I do not want to hurt her and I want to protect her. She is like an innocent to me.
So what I hear from you is that all of these things Ana wishes I were not...bisexual, living with a dude, still in love still w/ Liz prevent me from happiness..from loving someone else...because they will all wish, including Ana, I were not any of these things...these things that I am? So, due to my bisexuality(and other factors...)...I am not likely to have a women who really wants me as I am? I am therefore, ineligible for happiness with a mate? I could hide my bisexuality...but my feeling has always been that if someone loves me enough...if they come along..they will accept it. Liz did, J does to a large extent and even Bea did for a while, I suppose. Do any of us ever get the "perfect" picture of what we want? Or do we settle because the person has enough awesome qualities that their other "defects" are able to be overlooked? I know I am defective...really, I do. You need not remind me.
Well, I really need her right now and if I lose her or push her away... I feel I will be very depressed. I don't want to hurt her or be burdensome to her...but I don't think I can break away. I want to love her and make her happy and maybe I cannot do this forever..but I can love her right now. I don't know when I am leaving here. I have not booked my flight. I need to do that. She is sleeping right now. I am still wide awake.
Storm - 13 years ago
I understand, .. I really do. Knowing first hand about the nature of a woman babe, I am quite certain that if you ask her to tell you what her true heartfelt desire is with you if she could have it perfectly the way she wishes it could be, and she is perfectly honest without trying to say what she thinks you will want her to say, .. she will wish you weren't bisexual, she will wish you weren't living with and in love with a man, she will wish you were not pining away for another woman, and she will wish you would propose to her and marry her. She will wish that you stay true to only her and give up your flirtatious ways and need for other lovers. Why don't you put that question to her and tell her that you don't want her to say what she thinks you want to hear, tell her you want her to be honest and paint for you the 'perfect' picture of what she wants, what she needs, and how she wishes things were and what her 'secret' desire is with you? If she is totally honest and not trying to just say what she thinks you want to hear, then what I've described is what she will tell you. Neither one of you want to let go of each other, I understand that. The thought of letting go or losing her has to feel extremely painful for you and maybe you can't do it and therefore you won't. Honey, I will support you whatever you decide, but just think about what I have presented to you and ask yourself if you are the right guy to keep her happy and truly give her what she desires and needs. If you think you can make this whole thing work, then I hope you're right. Maybe it will for awhile, but I can't shake the feeling that eventually, something's got to give and it won't be pleasant. I hope I'm wrong, .. I don't want to see you hurting. Have you decided yet if you're staying on longer?
------------------- - 13 years ago
J told me that his estimation of this relationship with Ana is ..."you always seem to be looking for someone who will attend to your needs, pamper and care for you.....and as much as I love you and will do anything for you...I just don't have that mommy touch." LOL!
---------------------- - 13 years ago
LOL! didn't mean to write "mad" dear....meant "ma dear"...really it was a typo!
--------------------------- - 13 years ago
Thanks you for your honest opinion and no, I am certainly not mad at you for being candid. But you said in the first sentence that I was not looking for 'forever' or being committed to just one..but that she wanted "both of those things". I don't know this..she never expressed this to me! She only told me that she was in love with me...that does not mean she is looking for 'forever' or even for a commitment. Not all women are looking for the same thing and surely, mad dear, you must know this. HOW could you possibly KNOW that she wants a "monogamous, forever relationship"? I mean ...we only began dating a few weeks ago and yes, we have spent a lot of time together and have been very intimate...but I feel just because she expressly loves me does not mean she is expecting or desiring a monogamous relationship. In fact, I am sure she is not expecting it. She knows I am not dumping J...I can't do that to him right now. She knows that I am an active bisexual and not about to change, LOL!
I am not so sure that I agree with you when you say that her "true desires and needs are different than your own". I desire to get to know her deeper, to be with her and to have her close to me. I need her in my life. I miss her when sorely she is not with me. I feel so intact and replete with her. What could be so 'different' with her needs and desires? For me to "set her free" now would be hurtful and painful to both of us. I am certain it would cause her great pain and me as well. Letting her go for good now would upset her...and what if I can't do it? what if I told you I am just not strong enough to do it.
Storm - 13 years ago
Hi M., .. I know you wouldn't consciously want to hurt Ana, but you are not looking for forever or to even being committed to just one. She is looking for both of those things so how can she not get hurt? Being apart from you will hurt. Knowing you are making love to someone else will hurt. It is inevitable Michael. I know you want to keep seeing her and you love her, but as you have discovered about long distance affairs, I think Naomi holds great advice that perhaps it would be best to let her go when you leave. I'm sorry as I know you don't want to, but if you know you can't give her what her true heart desires of a monogamous forever relationship, then you are setting her up for greater hurt. Like J, she will say she will settle for whatever she can get, but sooner or later it won't be enough to just be getting a scrap of you here and there and her demands on you will also begin. Surely you know and recognize this on some level. I agree with J that Naomi only has Ana's best interest at heart as well. She doesn't want to see Ana getting hurt and I have no doubt she is sincere in her concern. This could end up hurting you bad as well, even worse than it would at this moment of saying goodbye to her. J's behavior is going to change on you as well if she is left in the picture. Again, two separate worlds colliding. I'm giving you my utmost honest opinion Michael, and I've done my best to leave any personal motives of my own out of this situation you are in. If she makes you happy, I want her with you, but what will be the cost in the long run? Her true desires and needs are different than your own. Would it not be a good idea to set her free so she can find that with someone who desires the same thing as her? Please don't be mad or upset with me Michael as these may be thoughts you did not want to hear, and ultimately it is just my opinion and what I foresee coming in the future for you to deal with. If you want to keep her, then perhaps you need to be willing to sacrifice J and your lifestyle so you truly can make her happy, and it would also require of you to let go of Elizabeth. Can you do all of that?
------------------- - 13 years ago
Naomi also used Elizabeth as an example to further illustrate to Ana how much of an arse I am in the area of love. She chastised Ana for the fact that we have not always used condoms (I don't know why Ana shared this with her) warning her of what happened with Liz. She also warned Ana that I could be carrying HIV (LOL!) and that she needs to demand I use a condom. Man...I think she has it in for me! She also told Ana that when we ere behind closed doors at work the other day...that everyone knew we were "shagging" and she was the but of the office gossip all day. She told Ana that "Micheal does not care about your work place reputation only that he gets to fiddle with your trousers and if everyone knows it then he doe snot care because it makes him the envy of the other blokes." Such bs! Ana was very embarrassed. I assured her that I did not have sex or heavy petting in mind when I locked my door...I only wanted to be alone and to comfort her. I said to Ana" Well did you tell her we did not have sex in my office?" Ana said yes...but then Naomi insisted that she tel her what happened...so Ana, reluctantly did (she should have told her it was not her business) and apparently Naomi is disgusted that I stroked Ana's p**** and you know what else... and thinks I am "much too pervy" for her friend. LOL! Well, I ma a pervert...that part is true! It comes with being a man!
------------------ - 13 years ago
Glad the date went well. How old is he?
Ana would not talk about it until this morning. Naomi fears that my "fast-paced and sexually open" lifestyle is in opposition to Ana's. She expressed to Ana that, in her view, my relationship w/ J is of a sexual nature only --from my end. Told Ana I was a 'lothario' and propelled by sex, LOL! She told Ana that I told her quite a bit about my escapades and conquests and that Ana best stay away from me once I leave for NY. The main reason being, according to Naomi, that I am too selfish to rid myself of J since he is so settled into the fabric of my life and that I rely on J to make my life orderly (telling her that J managed to make me dependent on him so I could not leave). She told Ana that I grow tired of my sex partners and of women in general (this is an outright lie...but obviously her perception)...and that while she (Naomi) adores me (ummm...riiiiight...) she sees me as someone who will only hurt Ana in the long run...perhaps more than her separated bf did recently. There was more crap but I can't remember. Poor Ana...I could tell she had been crying, though she denied it. I expressed my feelings in the deepest, most personal way that I could so she knew that I cared and was not using her (Oh, yes....Naomi also told Ana that she feared that she was "being used by Michael for fleshy pleasures"). So anyway...she told me all of this earlier this morning. Last night I held her and made love to her is the most sincere way that I could with the earnest affection that I felt...with deep feeling and emotion...not holding back. I guess she will have to decide how she feels about all of this. She can listen to Naomi or believe what she feels from me. I think Naomi crossed the line a bit. J thinks she only has Ana's interest at heart.
------------------------- - 13 years ago
You still never answered my question as to why you think it is "inevitable' that Ana will get hurt by me. I do not plan to hurt her and if I do it will be unconsciously done. I thought leaving here without expressing to her how I feel would be hurtful. Don't you? I mean...most relationships end at some point of their own volition...and there is always soem level of hurt or pain anyway. Not everyone is looking for forever, ma dear.
Storm - 13 years ago
What happened between Naomi and Ana that upset her so much? Is she okay?
Storm - 13 years ago
Romeo, .. if you had been my date tonight, we would be busy rearranging some furniture in the room and leaving scratch marks in the walls! Oh and did I forget to mention we would both be naked as little baby blue jays! haha I want to tear into you and feel the passion and see the fire burning in your eyes. You would see it in mine. My God, .. watching Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp kiss got me all hot and bothered. They would make such a hot couple and you can just tell they both know how to take you to heaven with the way they kiss. Yowza! Johnny has the most amazing sexy eyes that mesmerize me and he has the perfect soothing voice tone. That was such a good movie and the ending was a surprise which was really cool. I had a good time and I'm glad I went. It isn't a love connection by any means, but he didn't try anything on me and we had good conversation. He wants to get together again sometime, so I told him when he gets the urge for dinner and a movie again to give me a call. If we can keep this platonic, I welcome him as a friend. I will try to get my courage up to call Tony some time tomorrow. Sure wish he would have called me first.
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Hi honey, .. I am going to have to make this short. I got a call this morning from my sis, and one of her kids was in a bad car accident and is critical in the hospital. She needs me, so I'm going to be gone off of here for awhile, don't know how long, but I'll get in touch with you when I can. I've got to pack and get out of here as quickly as I can, ... it's a long drive ahead of me. Sorry I don't have time for more. All my love, .. Storm
Change of programs: Had a question for you...."who is going home on Dancing with the stars"? Who did you think?
I realize Tony is very ill and anything can happen and who could succumb to a variety of maladies...an infection, pneumonia...that could take his life...but the odds are he is simply hospitalized. He is not elderly and prior to this (According to you) was in good shape so presumably took care of himself. Be hopeful...I doubt he is dead...but if you want to run a search on death notices in Hoboken and you have his last name, it should be easy enough to check. Okay? That sad part is...he needs someone there with him to call 911 or help him if he is too weak to get help. It is sad that he is so alone and I feel one of his daughters who should be staying with hm now..that is my opinion. When my dad was taken ill years ago...my mother traveled to help him and be with him even though they divorced eyars earlier. Even though eh really was not a good, loving husband during their union. She felt that he was our father and he really had nobody else.
Happy birthday I guess. Not big on birthdays or holidays or offering anyone cheers or greetings so this is the best I can do. How old are you now? I cannot recall ...only that you are older than me...which makes you an official cradle robbing cougar. 50? That's my guess.
J home tonight. I told Ana to stop calling me as it made me too sad. She said "okay....but I will miss you" and she began subtly and detectably weeping. I feel terrible...but I detest talking on the phone anyway....and hearing her voice makes me depressed. She promised not to call me anymore. I apologized and assured her that I did love her...but it does not mean that much when one is dealing with me,. LOL!
Never commented on the post that you made telling me that Ana was not right for me as we wanted different things, LOL! Isn't THAT the story of my life...doesn't THAT sum it all up for me! !? Then I end up with no one (which is the way I think I prefer it anyway..if I am to be honest) as J and I do not want the same things...Bea and I did not, ultimately, want the same things...even when I was w/ Liz we did not want the same things! LOL! I am incompatible with everyone who loves me it seems if I accept your assessment.
Who is your favorite on the top 5 of American Idol? Mine was and is still Adam. I was never a huge Allison fan and frankly, Danny was a jerk..though had semi-decent vocals. Kris? "meh". Rather out of the blue, I was just thinking about that season..which was my favorite.
No spell check...getting ready to brave the cold and take my mother and bro out for the day. We'll see how long she last, LOL!
Hi M., .. What a blessing your sweet mom is. I love her for loving you and helping you to become the successful and wonderful human being you are. Jeffery will be so happy to see you. He has been leaving a bunch of sad songs on his twitter about cheating and about the fear of losing you. I know you don't care, but the gossip gang has figured out there is something wrong between the two of you, .. just so you know. They really don't deserve to have you as a friend. That's all I'm gonna say on that. I'm so glad you were finally able to catch up on some much needed rest, and now you have a chance to think with more clarity about everything. You've got all the time in the world to figure things out, .. don't rush anything. Time has a way of revealing which path to take.
Jamie and I saw the 3:50pm showing of Black Swan this afternoon in celebration of my birthday which is actually tomorrow, and then we had a nice dinner out afterwords. Jamie is a huge fan of the director of that movie and he said he thought it was the most awesome and best movie he has ever seen. I liked the movie but wasn't blown away. I liked The Tourist a whole lot more. Black Swan is about a ballerina that starts to lose it mentally and emotionally.
Michael, I am terribly worried about Tony. He hasn't been online in several days now and my message is still unread. He was last on that night we talked on the phone. This just isn't like him. He didn't mention that he was going anywhere and in fact would be staying home that next day because it was snowing there and around a foot of snow was expected. With his pneumonia he said he didn't dare go out in the cold. He sounded so sick on the phone that I fear he may have even died. His mood was upbeat and he sounded positive per se but I could hear it in his voice how sick he was. He even had a bad coughing spell at one point. At the very end of our 4 hour conversation when I told him that I guess we should get some sleep because I could tell he was getting tired and I was too, he said to me, " Are you sure you want to let me go? " and I replied, " Well only temporarily ". He then said, " Well if you dream about me I want to hear all the details, don't leave anything out! " I laughed and promised him I would tell him all the details. I was dead tired but I had great trouble falling asleep even though I was so happy about him. My mind was keyed up and I kept going over in my head everything we talked about. When I fell asleep I did dream about him. We were together and I just remember bits and pieces of him talking to me and holding my hand and we went somewhere but I don't remember any details. Boy, I am praying hard he is alive and okay. That would be so strange if I was the very last person he talked to in his life. I just tried calling him about 45 minutes ago and got his phone machine again. I left a message telling him that he has me worried since he hasn't been online in several days and I'm very concerned. I asked him to please call me or drop me a line so I know he is okay. I am beginning to hope that maybe he is in the hospital at this point because that is preferable to what the other reason might be. He is done with chemo, but he could have had a very bad asthma attack or something. I'm trying to think positive, but I'm on the verge of tears and sick with worry.
Hi. I'm fine. I am not dying. I do not have cancer or some dread disease. Promise. My mother is taking good care of me. I slept 11 hours last night...well into the afternoon today. LOL! When I came home last night I was exhausted. could not sleep on the plane. When I walked in the door, my mother exclaimed "you look terrible!" She hugged me and made me sit with her and talk a while. Told her about the weight loss, the anxiety, the sadness, the confusion, the feelings for Ana, J, Liz..., the ambivalence about leaving London. She told me to sleep and we can handle it all tomorrow. I don't now what it is...but those simple words from this loving person who raised me allowed me to sleep like a baby. I felt everything would be okay because my mother said it would and that all I needed to do now was sleep. We talked a lot today. She gave me some new insights...too detailed to go into now as I am very tired again. She does not feel like my weight loss and exhaustion is attributed to anything physiological...but by situational depression. She expects em to get a full check-up nonetheless...but feels it is depression. I still miss Ana...and J...but having her here helps, a lot. She is so sweet..my mom. Every time I look sad,...she runs over to me and makes me tea, or gives me a hug, or kisses me on the cheek. I feel like I am a little 10 year old boy again. LOL!
Did you hear form Tony? I am having a good feeling about the two of you. Maybe you are supposed to help him in some way. What do you think?
J coming home tomorrow night. I do miss him. I want to sleep next to him.
G'Night
Hi. I';m fine. I am not dying. I do not have cancer or some dread disease. Promise. My mother is taking good care of me. I slept 11 hours last night...well into the afternoon today. LOL! When I came home last night I was exhausted. could not sleep on the plane. When I walked in the door, my mother exclaimed "you look terrible!" She hugged me and made me sit with her and talk a while. Told her about the weight loss, the anxiety, the sadness, the confusion, the feelings for Ana, J, Liz..., the ambivalence about leaving London. She told me to sleep and we can handle it all tomorrow. I don't now what it is...but those simple words from this loving person who raised me allowed me to sleep like a baby. I felt everything would be okay because my mother said it would and that all I needed to do now was sleep. We talked a lot today. She gave me some new insights...too detailed to go into now as I am very tired again. She does not feel like my weight loss and exhaustion is attributed to anything physiological...but by situational depression. She expects em to get a full check-up nonetheless...but feels it is depression. I still miss Ana...and J...but having her here helps, a lot. She is so sweet..my mom. Every time I look sad,...she runs over to me and makes me tea, or gives me a hug, or kisses me on the cheek. I feel like I am a little 10 year old boy again. LOL!
Did you hear form Tony? I am having a good feeling about the two of you. Maybe you are supposed to help him in some way. What do you think?
J coming home tomorrow night. I do miss him. I want to sleep next to him.
G'Night
I'm glad your mom was a doctor and can help give you her wise advice. When was your last real physical? Whenever it was, it sounds like you should get another one and you have the off time from work to do it so that is good. I know you plan to stay away from here, but please drop in long enough to let me know what you find out one way or the other, okay? Otherwise I may find myself getting dark circles under my eyes worrying about you. Also, if your letter to Elizabeth gets a response from her, or you find out any info on her and how she is doing, I would love to know how that is affecting you, okay?
I feel Tony is extremely lonely. I asked him if he has dated anyone he has met yet and he said no. Asked him if he has any friends that come over to keep him company and he said he has a couple of buddies from work that drop in to visit. His daughters are all he has, and they are 18 and 19 yrs old so they are wrapped up in their own lives and college. He said he lost all body hair and it is only now starting to grow back. He also told me the chemo melted the fillings in his mouth so he will have to go back to the dentist to have those replaced. All the meds and antibiotics have had an adverse effect as well and caused him to get a yeast infection in his mouth and also caused his tongue to swell a bit so he told me he isn't even allowed to kiss anyone right now and it is affecting his voice and speech a little bit. He gets headaches and body aches, mentioning that his calves hurt him. I am guessing he doesn't want any women to see him until he is better since his body is going through so many changes. I really wish you could find him on DateHookup.com so you can see his profile picture. The guy is drop dead gorgeous with an athletic build, though he is sitting in a chair and you can only see from waist up, but you can tell he is fit with a nice chest. He stopped me dead in my tracks and my mouth dropped open when I saw his photo, and I even uttered out loud, " Ohhh my God! " I contacted him first. His name on that site is 'goldengiant ' ( one word ) He picked that name as a reference to Amtrak. No other family members are alive so it makes me tear up knowing that he is having to take care of himself through this whole ordeal and make do for himself. Just not fair, he needs someone to cook and shop for him and be there for him to see to his needs, and most of all to love on him and give him encouragement to get through everyday. He told me that if he dies tomorrow, he is okay with that and that he had a good life. God, .. I don't want to hear him talking like that.
Sorry about all of the typos in my prior message...so ADHD lately...hyper...I type furiously and impulsively. So exhausted...have not slept more than 3 or 4 hours per night this entire past week. It is draining me physically and mentally. I think I need my mommy! I'm coming home mommy!!!!!!
You're on 'team J' only because he doesn't have a vagina...I'm on to you, LOL! My mother seems concerned about me so I believe she'd rather me settle back and not date for a while, to be honest. I love my mother but she influences my choices in love 0%. She will be happy that I'm not gay...that's about it. I won't tell her that Ana mentioned that she would not be averse to moving to NY or mentioned that if I asked her ...she would indeed marry me. And on the contrary, I don't think living in my flat will make Ana miss me more or depressed. She is nto liek that. She is very clam and reasonable...not emotional. She is also very resilient and strong and seems to be able to handle this a hell of a lot better than me. She even said "you go home and spend time with your brother and your mother so you can feel complete and with family that loves you; then come Monday you give Jeffery all the love you have stored up and let him know how much you appreciate him and missed him too, he deserves to know." you will be happy surrounded by love.
Well, I did talk her into staying at my place. She will keep her flat with her flatmate...but her flatmate's friend will be there for a month (apparently she needs a place) so it worked well. My place is roomier and newer and in a prettier neighborhood...though a little inferior commuter-wise. I refused to allow her to pay me rent since it would have been sitting empty. She really kept on me until I got angry. I cannot take money form women. It is ingrained in me. Anyway, we compromised and she will be paying utility fees she uses only (heating, power).
The weight loss is odd...I should have been gaining since I am not running...and I am fairly slim to begin with so 6 pounds does make a difference on me, LOL! The only other physical issue I have is that I feel tired and have for about a month...otherwise, fine I guess. I do have these dark circles under my eyes...and I noticed I am graying ever-so-slightly around the temples...but that is simply the aging process , LOL! I don't now if I have been eating the same amount of food. I suppose I have. Don't think it is the sexual activity w/ Ana as I was with J before and just as active if not more...but weighed 6 lbs more! I'll see what my mother says. If I remember, I tend to fluctuate wright wise a bit...but this seems like a lot for me to lose. Maybe it is the depression.
I do hope Tony is okay. He needs to use those toys on you before he gets too sick. He could be going through a bad round of chemo that is taking it's toll on him and he might feel much better once the ill effects wear off. I almost get the impression that he seems lonely...like he wants the companionship of a lady...a friend first. You may be perfect for him...you say he is kind, good looking and he needs some help...some charity...someone to nurse him a bit...PERFECT for you! He also seems like he is concerned over sexual dysfunction...which means he must value sexual activity...another plus. At least if you are going to save someone..it better a person who is ill than a drug addict, batterer or alcoholic...right? I think he is okay..try not to worry.
Besides feeling sad about leaving Ana, are you feeling okay health wise and have you been eating the same amount of food? If you find out something is wrong with you, then please share it with me, okay? I care, you know that. Maybe it is just all the sex burning the calories off of you! :)
Tony still hasn't been online to see my message and I'm getting more worried. He was planning to stay home yesterday so if I don't hear anything by later this evening, I guess I will try calling to check on him. I'm getting a bad feeling something is wrong.
I have a new guy interested in me from Cleveland, Ohio and his name is Roland. He told me he is very impressed with my profile and that he is self employed and buys and sells precious gems, gold and silver for his living. I was telling him that I was in Cleveland years ago when we did a show for Doc Severinsen and that I got to meet the chicken king Colonel Sanders who came to watch Doc. Told him we stayed right across from the theatre where Doc was playing, at a hotel called Swingos. I can't forget a name like 'Swingos'. So he seems nice and I will see where that leads me. There is also a guy living in Taos, NM I may be corresponding with.
Is Ana going to be staying at your place then until April? That might actually make it harder on her to be around everything that reminds her of you. But I'm guessing she said yes anyway. Am I right? I'm sure your mom will be encouraging you to be with her instead of J, so I will choose team J and tell you that you are already a family with him and he is good for you and Daniel. :) How much longer do you have before your flight?
Yes...Tristan..he is about the sexiest dude around, IMO...and there is no way I would...could.. every refuse him. He gets me hot in 3 minutes and makes it happen immediately for me. He has an awesome body, face and a very sweet, almost shy quality about him. J and I are both hot for him...but of course J prefers the more exotic looking dudes. But, I watch his clips at least 2 or 3 times every day. Watching him masturbate is awesome. Okay, I need a cold shower now. Getting ready to leave soon. Bittersweet, I suppose. I have been so depressed and melancholy lately over leaving Ana that I think I am over the depression. Too tired to think about it anymore.
You do not understand... when I get OCD about the internet, I have to go cold turkey and stay off or else I will check all sites...cannot check only one when I get like this..I am on for several hours a day and usually until very late at night. IT is like an obsession that I cannot control...so putting it aside is my only remedy. IT is making me stressed as I am neglecting many areas in my life. For the past two weeks...I fell my life has consisted of internet chatting, blogging, cruising sites on the internet, and having sex. LOL!
Seems you and Tony had a bit of a hot discussion. I am sure one of here reasons you are attracted to him is your nurturing instinct. He is good to put it all out there and to be honest about his issues. I respect that. Mmmmm...I like using toys too...but of course I have my favorite toy that I use which I keep with me all of the time. Well, if you are going to rescue someone, not so bad that it is a decent dude who could use some help, right?
Stepped on the scale yesterday for the first time in 2 months and realized that I lost 6 pounds. Not sure how that happened...the unexplained weight loss. I have not been running regularly as it is nearly impossible to do in London. May have to make a Drs. appt upon my return to
Hi M., .. How long is a " long while " ? Don't scare me! :( Surely you can drop in at least once or twice a week to let me know how you are. Don't be cruel. :) Isn't it possible to stay off all the other sites but still drop in long enough to say hi to me? You know I will miss you terribly.
I am a bit worried about Tony. He sounded so sick over the phone when we talked and had a bad coughing spell at one point. As I mentioned, he contracted pneumonia on top of the leukemia, and is on an incredible amount of antibiotics and medications, and on top of that, he has suffered with asthma and bouts of bronchitis all his life. Yesterday I left him a message and it is still showing as unread up to now. We talked a lot about his sickness and what he has been through. He said he was getting pains in his chest and that is how the leukemia was discovered was through a blood test they ran. It is his job of 27 yrs that has made him sick. Working on the train engines has subjected him to huge amounts of PCB's and also asbestos as he said much of the wiring is insulated with asbestos in the coating or covering. He has never smoked, so it seems so unfair he has to suffer all of this. I kept the conversation mostly on him but did fill him in a little on my family and upbringing. His 18 yr old daughter is living with her bf and gets sassy with him, and that is why they aren't getting along. He disapproves of them living together at such a young age and worries about her getting pregnant. We did get around to talking about his worry on what this would do to his sex life. I assured him it wouldn't matter to me if he had problems. I told him it is the mental, emotional and spiritual bond and love between two people that matters most to me. He mentioned how he hates when women withhold sex when they're angry or to get back at a guy. I just said that shouldn't happen and one should never go to bed angry at the other one. He mentioned that women have sent nude photos of themselves to him and that is when he knows they aren't right for him. We also talked about what we like in the bedroom a little bit. I did not mention that I like the ladies too, but just said that I strive and like to please my partner and that I'm open minded. He is the same and I can tell he would be very tender and loving, and happened to mention that he likes to use toys on women. LOL I told him about my 'little friend' and that it was the only toy I have and that I don't like dildos, .. I like the real thing. He said, " you don't like the latex ones? " And I said, " I've never tried those so I don't know, but I do know I will always prefer the real thing." LOL I like him a lot so I sure hope he gets well and will be okay. I can kind of see myself slipping back into my habit with selecting guys who need my care and that kind of scares me.
My gf and I are still communicating daily with two or three tweets to each other expressing affection of a sort, but she is making other female friends now on twitter she also talks to and that is good. Like I say, I have no intention or desire to fall in love with a woman.
As you know, I follow Tristan on twitter, and I checked out his site yesterday and all I can say is momma mia! Yowza. :)
The body reacts to things like stress, etc...but I think wishing you were pregnant will not make it so...or else we would have zero infertile women in the world...and infertility is a huge issue for a large percent of the human female population.. Ma dear, you make these haphazard statements and sweeping generalizations that are simply unfounded. It matters WHERE you read these "stories" and "findings" , whether they have been 'proven' or jsut someone's opinion, or published via a research study, WHERE and HOW the study was conducted and under what criteria and circumstances. But, alas...people believe what they desire to be true..what they want to believe. Anyway...I do not wish to argue with you about this. I will tear apart any crapola you dare throw my way and insist you site your sources. I think it best you learn to rephrase things so you do not sound uninformed or 'over the top'...unless of course you have a medical degree to back up your authoritative statement. Let's not go there. Agreed? :)
Am leaving late this evening. I never called Naomi when she left me her snippy message...she is lucky that I didn't chew her out worse the last time she insulted me. I figure that I will give her time to cool off and the next time I come to London, I will see her. It is too bad because I really miss her little sweet son. She asked me once to visit then never brought it up again. When I did not take her bitchy advice and dump Ana--she got more upset. I can't see him when she is so upset with me. I think I represent to her all of these men who "did her wrong" or something. I get it that she is trying to protect her friend...but she needs to back off. Anyway, Ana and I went out yesterday and bought a few gifts for him and I will write him a note and let him know I will visit upon my return. Let's hope Naomi will be cooled off by then. Ana said yesterday "Micheal, you don't suppose that Naomi fancies you at all, or do you?" I told her probably not....but she definitely needs to get shagged. Soon. Ana questioned my sexuality yesterday asking me if I was really, truly bisexual. I think her query is based on our sexual activity...the frequency and the intensity and my reaction. I told her that I am sure that I am bi and told her everything that J and I do together, how often, what I like to do to him (in detail) and what I like him to do to me...also told her that 99% of the porn I watch is male on male as it turns me on more than watching hetero. She she said "Goodness, you are very brazenly frank and, yes, you certainly are bisexual! I shant question that fact ever again." Not sure if she had her hopes up or was feeling me out..but I felt the need to drive it home...and this same question has been addressed to me by countless gf's and bf's. I believe it is more to do with the sex drive.
So what did you and your new bf talk about for 4 hours? Was there a love connection? He seems like a decent dude. I hate the phone and never spend more than 5 minutes. Whatever happened to that odd woman from twitter who was sending you her outlandish accounts of her escapades? Did she get bored? Or did you question the authenticity of her said accounts? LOL!
After today I will be off line for a long while. I need to focus on bro and getting my crazy life in order. Don't know what the future brings...but it's coming!
Whew!! Well that is a relief and yes I feel incredibly much better now. Please don't regret telling me because I am your friend always first and foremost and you know I don't mind worrying about you because that just goes with the territory of loving and caring about you. :) Is Ana home yet?
Yes, the body reacts to positive and negative thoughts. I've read many findings and stories about that and I'm sure you have too. I'm hoping to God you don't make me go into detail. Be kind ! :)
"the body reacts to thoughts, we know that."
What? I don't know that.
Okay, should not have told you ...or J for that matter. My faulty....you know me..I hide nothing. Firstly, I should have told you in the last post that she has her period now so all is fine. No little French,/German/Tawainese tots running around in the near future. Sorry that I failed to mention that. Additionally, ma dear, I have used this method of birth control exclusively for many years with more than one gf when I was younger and it never resulted in a pregnancy--scout's honor...and they were all younger so presumably more fertile than Ana. You are worrying too much. Look...I always use condoms for the other thing..always 100% because of the region involved. But, it is hard to always put one on and always break up the arousal, the moment. Try being a dude sometime! It usually goes from foreplay, etc. to intercourse and it is hard to interrupt for that. Now, if I were not strong enough to withdraw before popping...I would have to revert to constant condom use. She is going on the pill...but who knows what will happen. Of course our activity will be seriously curtailed so may not be worth it for her. If she did not tell me she got her period now..I might be a teensy weensy itty-bit concerned. Oky. Feel better? LOL!
Babe, when is her period due? You don't want to believe it but you are acting recklessly. Surely you recognize that. Sperm is still entering her vaginal canal and you know that. You can argue about the amount but I'm really beginning to think there is some unconscious part of you that seems to be wanting to re-live what happened with Liz or something, .. maybe so this time you have a chance to do things differently. As smart as you are Michael, I am just surprised you are taking chances like this. Please, before you leave her, buy a test kit which is cheap and just have her check herself for pregnancy, for everybody's peace of mind. It's painless and she would want you there with her face to face if she discovers she is pregnant. What is it going to hurt? Nothing, so do it. Quit living in denial here. You very well could have gotten her pregnant. Find out before you leave and you gotta stop doing that. She may be hoping you get her pregnant now since she wants you and I personally believe that desire from a woman for a child can help with fertility. The body reacts to thoughts, we know that. Find out now please, before you leave.
One good thing about J is that I have been OCDing and ADHDing for a few weeks now...sleeping very little as well. He always manages to bring me out of it...somehow, and forces me to focus and stay off the internet...away from Tristan and all of the other places I wander, LOL! I need that break.
Anyway, he sent me an e-mail (Which he is not supposed to do) from DC asking me about things with Ana. I told him about Ana and what she said about relocating and marriage (WHY did I do that? I am so impulsive)...he simply wrote: "She has good taste. I cannot blame her for feeling that way. I wish I could marry you." 'twas sweet. Made me miss him a bit.
Please don't be mad at me...please...Ana and I have not been using those things...you know...but I have been retracting promptly. Can't help it ...it feels so much better, more natural when expressing myself to her. Anyway...J is concerned that she might get pregnant and my guilt over Liz's abortion and my son she wanted to have might take hold of my emotions. I told her to go on the pill even though I am leaving because if we resume at any time...I will not feel comfortable otherwise. As I said...I withdraw in plenty of time each occurrence. Anyway, told J about the pill and he said "why now, unless you plan on making her a part of your life". So, I did not reply back yet. I don't want to lie. Right now I want her to be a part of my life. I don't know what the future holds...but I know what I feel like at this moment.
Need to get off line...too stressed. Have been on over 100 sites today.
Stop always striving for deeper meaning. Accept that life is beautiful and ugly, sad and tragic and often very painful for many. Imperfect and finite. "Life force" is pure bullshit, ma dear. This I know.
I am not saying people are insignificant personally...but as a whole, we are all part of biology...no higher power or purpose is controlling everything, LOL. Never understood why people had to delude themselves and believe that. Accept it for the finite beauty that it is...life, one's own life. Real, random and still miraculous but in a natural, concrete sense.
Wish I could have seen Merchant Of Venice with you and J. I LOVE plays and musicals on stage. Albuquerque is pretty on top of bringing some of these things to town, but of course nothing like you get to experience. You lucky duck! :)
Darling there is a life force that exists, and when you look into the face of a baby human or animal, how can one believe it is insignificant? I can't believe that nor could I ever look at all the miracles going on around me in any given moment and ever believe it means nothing. It means everything. What about love itself? Is that insignificant?
haha Well, maybe Shakespeare's thoughts and writings are absolute and mean only one thing, but my mind wants to expand on those thoughts and take flight with further thought and fancy! Sometimes I love and wonder where these thoughts and ideas really come from? Have you ever felt that way? Like what is coming through to you comes from a source outside of your own thoughts and mind? I get that from time to time and it amazes me. It is subtle but there is a difference between my own inner voice full of thought and whatever this other voice is that comes through at times. You're probably thinking I'm going around 'the bend'! haha
LOL--On the contrary, I don't believe trained thespians or Shakesperian scholars agree that Shakepspeare's word was open to interpretation. LOL! He was fairly absolute and distinct in the meaning of his writings and not a very spiritually philosophical person...more a cerebral thinker, an intellectual. There is very little disagree meant among scholars as to his interpretation unlike scholarly experts of other writers, playwrites and poets
I believe realizing/accepting these truths that we are insignificant and life really has no purpose is rather liberating. Makes me want to experience love, make more love and not be afraid.
When I was in NY last, J and I say "Merchant of Venice" on broadway starring Al Pacino. He, surprisingly, was excellent in the role!
The more they stay the same! Yes, I get what you were saying prior about the emphasis being on ' merely '. It is all about one's perspective and that is the brilliance on looking at life as we know it. If a grain of sand is all that exists, then what is its worth and importance? Oh. I love this! Sooooo much to ponder! A microcosm viewpoint or a macrocosm viewpoint indeed. I prefer to believe that All is important and has purpose and value and has a destiny leading to something greater than itself. Oh how I hope I can sit with you someday and just discuss and talk. You excite me. Loved that other quote you left from 'As You Like It '.
I should have..intended to.....write/written that what Shakespeare is saying is we are insignificant and life has no purpose though as humans, we strive to find one.
Amazing how his words still hold true today and have stood the test of time. As they say, the more things change....
Taken from the comedic play "As you like it"..yes, I know it well. But I interpret it a bit differently . The intellectual Shakespeare meant this as more comedic than philosophical. Though it is till somewhat philosophical...I believe the meaning to be --Life's occurrences are insignificant and life really doesn't have a purpose. So, is this what you are trying to tell me? LOL! The use of "merely" here is a giveaway if you have studied Shakespeare. While I am not a Shakesperian scholar, I can say that "The men and Women are MERELY players" is written intentionally as he was emphasizing our insignificance.
How about this from "As You Like it"----
"In my youth thou wast as true a lover
As ever sighed upon a midnight pillow"
Yes, you are right. Your life will unfold the way it is meant to. It is rather odd and peculiar how people come and go in our lives, playing a role, often times something monumental and then they disappear and are no longer part of our lives. Shakespeare was so brilliant and fascinating. I wish I could have met him.
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
I was very emotive to her during our lovemaking and very natural..I did not hold back. Not sure being away from her and home will make it easier. It will make it harder, I believe. I will think of her more and want her with me. Am not scheduled to work until the 3rd or 4th of February so have a lot of time on my hands to perseverate with little distraction. And that I will do....perseverate.
For a long while I thought that the only thing that will ultimately break me and Jeffery apart is one of us meeting someone else. Well, not to "TOOT MY OWN HORN" but it appears slim that another dude will cause J to leave me...though I would completely understand and support that for him. I think it will be me..meeting and falling in love with someone else...that will finally cause our parting. I know this and feel this in my soul...in every fiber of my mortal being. I always though J would grow tired and upset with me like the others...but he has not and I don't see that he will any time soon...much to his burden. But I don't want to lose him either...I am selfish. He won't discourage me from seeing women..he cannot. So will it be Ana who finally breaks us apart...or Liz (doubtful given her probable situation), or someone else I have yet to meet. I do not know. Time will tell. And time and tide wait for no man. Whatever will happen, will...with or without my control and my blessings, yes?
Lovemaking is as close as anyone can get to feeling like two people become one. There is a stirring and chemistry that takes place, especially when you attach mind, heart and spirit. It is the only way I know to make love and be intimate with someone, and had I been with you, it is exactly what you would have received from me. I can't be any other way. I understand what happened between you and Ana. What was suppose to be casual sex turned around and bit you in the ass and attached you to her. Is that a curse or a blessing Michael? I think I know which answer you will give me.
You might not agree with me, but it is very difficult (from my view) to be so very intimate with someone--make love to them every day, 2 or 3 times, for several weeks...live with them and then simply part ways. I cannot do that. I am not that strong. I need to leave doors open a bit so as not to suffer depression. I cannot cut her off. She knows the score and she knows what I am grappling with and what my life realities are. I need to see her still and J knows this. He said "I have never been able to stop you from doing what you want or talk you into or out of anything when you have your mind made up. I understand you. It makes me love you even more." So, I feel okay about him. I have not thought about Liz since I've been w/ Ana (other than when we talked about her) as Ana has helped me, unintentionally, forget. Wished I had never met her.
That douche bag conversation was really hysterical! Especially when ck started calling herself Summers Eve! hahahaha Those were some good times and good memories, .. and the best of all was meeting and getting to know you.
And it's something quite peculiar.
Something shimmering and white ...
That leads you here, despite your destination ....
Under the milky way tonight.
I love you Michael.
Ohhhh Michael, .. that makes me sad to hear you say that, but makes me love you even more for putting your brother's needs first. It doesn't surprise me because your parents did an outstanding job of raising you, and even when we first met on here, I felt a connection to you pretty much immediately even though you were firing off some pretty fantastic and good jabs at ck and Grimoire! haha You were making me laugh even back then! I quickly sensed and picked up on the real side of you that you tried to keep hidden, and that is how I fell in love with you. :)
Am glad Tony called you. He seems sincere and mature unlike that other dick. I hope things work out for him health wise. O course you would love to take care of him...that is how you are...and that is awesome. I love being nursed back to health when I am sick with some minor malady.
I am not going to marry Ana and she is not relocating to NY. Not to worry. I think she understands this but she is the type to put herself out there anyway. She is very emotional in a good way, and loving but also very strong and resilient, unlike Beatrice. I do love her, and it is more than a passing fancy I'm afraid, and am sorry to admit...even though we have not been together for long. Matters not. Of course my first obligation is to Daniel and that will never change. Not to worry...as I told you, I stopped living my life for me long ago. That's just the way that it is. :)
And on top of that, .. I love you to the moon and back. ~~~
No babe, if you ever break up with Jeffery or really need me, I will be there for you. No matter what happens with Tony, I will always feel the same way I have with you, and you know how deep that river of love runs. It is constant and it is real.
I am completely convinced that a horrible terrible mistake and misprint happened on my birth certificate, and in fact I will be turning 32 yrs old on Monday! :)
So it takes a (potential) invitation from Tony to get you out my way and to visit me...after all of my invitations? Ouch! That hurts.
Are you going to talk to Naomi? I think it is good Michael that you are leaving back to your other life which is the bigger part of you in a sense and the more important one since it involves your brother and the place that you consider home, .. Manhattan. I feel it will be good for you to see and be with Jeffery again who loves you and Daniel so deeply. You are family. I don't know what to say about Ana, except I don't think you are right for her and what she is obviously wanting which is marriage like I suspected, which further means commitment, which she would eventually demand of you just like the others. You would be doing her a favor to start easing the tie with her, but of course this is a decision you must come to at your will and decision. Just don't give her any false hope, and I can see that you are not, so that's good. When you get back, focus instead on Liz and writing your note so you can feel closure or see what that brings you. You never know what might happen, and she would make you heal quickly in regards to Ana.
Believe it or not, she was born in a Leap Year...so Feb. 29...So I guess she is technically only only 9 and not 36, LOL! Now I really feel like a pervert!
How old are you going to be on your birthday? I do not recall your age...though I do remember you are older than moi (you cradle robbing cougar).
Hi M., .. Well, the good news is that you are still there with her, and since you aren't leaving till late tomorrow night, you have all day today and tomorrow to still enjoy her. Focus on that instead of your leaving so you are not robbed of the joy these present moments will bring you. Also remember you will see her again soon. When in Feb. is her birthday? I am just curious if she is an Aquarian like me. My birthday is Monday the 24th, so Jamie is going to help me celebrate it on Sunday with dinner out and a movie.
Guess what? TONY CALLED ME!!! Late last night it was near 1am and I checked over on the date site to see if there was anything new, and I noticed that he was online and he must have seen that I was too. He sent me a message asking me if it would be alright if he called me right then and I responded with a yes. We talked for 4 hours straight from 1am to 5am my time! We clicked and we like each other. He is so genuine and sincere and very sweet. He is off chemo and still in remission, and had the lesser form of leukemia, so not the deadlier one you spoke of. He has had asthma all his life along with bouts of bronchitis, and recently contracted pneumonia, so is on all kinds of medication. The poor guy is so terribly sick and it makes me feel so helpless as I would go over and take care of him if I could. He basically has to cook, shop, and take care of himself. He has only been married once and that was to a lady from Honduras. If I remember, the marriage only lasted 4 or 5 years and he has two daughters, 19 yr old Maria, and 18 yr old Catherine. He doesn't get along with the younger one who is in college and wants to become a teacher. Maria is going to college and wants to get into banking. After what Ran said, I was only going to leave my profile up a little longer to see if Tony would respond and then pull it. Now I have new hope that there are a few decent men still out there. Tony has gone a long time since a relationship as well, and he is looking for one good woman and not just sex and flings. He has two and a half years left before he can retire, so will have to stay in Hoboken where he has lived all his life until then. I think he is looking to move somewhere else after that. I did extend an invitation for him to visit me. He is too sick right now and has to go in for monthly blood work and checkups. I'm hoping that perhaps by late spring or early summer would be nice so I can take him to the mountains and up to Santa Fe so I can help him enjoy life again. I think he plans to call me again later today. He told me that some women he has met have sent him nude pictures of themselves and that is when he knows they are not right for him. I told him I am way too modest and smart to go sending nude photos of myself, and in fact no such thing even exists. He has good values and ethics so that is important to me. Maybe I will be visiting you someday! :)
LOL--who cares what they thing. J did stop suing it and even deleted some stuff--I checked. He prob thought that no one was checking it and impulsively posted that Duran Duran song (I believe that as he still addresses to me as his "immaculate dream"...LOL). Just ignore them.... Sarah is not threat to me.
You asked about that woman at J's work. I happened to ask J what happened on returning to his work after he planted that wet kiss one me New Years eve. He said everything was pretty much the same though a few of his closer associates mentioned some things. The dude who hosted, also named Michael, asked him if were a couple and J responded by saying "I though that was pretty clear". And he said his assistant who has been with him 5 years and pretty much handles all of his appointments, personal and professional, claimed that she had an inkling when he wasn't really dating anyone serious and that she could tell that I was "special" to him. He claims it is out and he doe snot care anymore. Good for him. No specific news on this woman who has the hots for him. But, after witnessing the kiss...not much else needs to be said. Besides, J was holding my hand as well at the party and placing his arm around my shoulder. I think lots of ladies had their hearts broken that evening. But, on the bright side...the gay dudes who work for him might be encouraged and feel they have a chance!
I am home today..no work. Cleared out my office...but since I need to come back..they are holding it for me. Naomi called and left me a message saying she needed to "talk". Ugh! Ana confessed to me last night that if I ever felt the urge ...ever...a year from now even...even though it seems very premature, that she would move to NY for me. She said she was just throwing it out there in case I was ever curious how serious she feels about me. Honestly? I do not feel she was tossing a hint my way as much as letting me know that she would be here if I needed her. Even mentioned that she would marry me ..LOL! What a mistake that would be for her! I asked her if that was a proposal...she laughed and said "it is something you need to know". Told her I was not the marrying type. She said "yes, I know, that doesn't change how I feel". I love how she doesn't play games...just outs her cards right on the table, no matter the emotional cost. Refreshing.
I am really very depressed. I am wishing that I never met her :(
In that case I owe you a full and humble apology. Perhaps I misread your intent. I felt I was only trying to be helpful by offering my perspective. And when you responded it appeared to me to be defensive and hyper-sensitive and quasi-critical (particularly your baffling remark about tooting your horn) . I may have overreacted then due to my stress over my situation. Mea culpa.
Having said that, this churlish dick, "Ran" , deserved the response you gave him, LOL! Does he really think that is a way to attract women? What a dolt. I do fear, however, these may be the types you will attract by not posting your lovely image --someone who is desperate enough and assumes (as he did--he said so!) that your face is unattractive therefore you must be desperate or ashamed at your appearance.So, he won't hold back...just put it out there and if you are horny and desperate like him..great! I am a bit astounded that he actually wrote that about your ass and legs. What an incredible, boorish dick!
Am leaving very late--overnight--tomorrow. Very depressed and sad. Ana's 36th birthday is in February so I promised to return. I told her that she should take on another lover, try ot be open to nice dudes who will treat her well... and go on with her life and that I will visit when and if I can...I do come to London for work still, but won't see her as much. I told her she should not wait for me, or hold her self back for me. J is is in the picture and I still love Liz so much(not that I see any future there)..Ana deserves better and Naomi was right in that remark! Ana is sweet and told me not to worry about her. I just don't want her waiting for me. I was, perhaps, a bit too liberal with my endearments and affirmations these past 2 days as I was so depressed about leaving her. She is just so honest about how she feels without pressuring me. I love that. This is going to be hard.
Michael, .. I want to make you aware that the gossip gang, especially Sarah, is still spying on you and J through his twitter. He obviously never shut it down or is back using it again. They will never give up spying on you as long as he keeps that twitter account. They know his full name so any account he opens on twitter, they may be able to find him. His latest posts they are talking about is that Duran Duran song Come Undone, and also Sinead O'Connor's 'Nothing Compares To You'. Sorry to tell you all this as I don't want to add to your stress, but I'm guessing you would rather know than not know.
Hi Ran, .. Since you have been so frank and honest with your comment, I feel compelled to return the favor. You are not that good looking and perhaps you should put up a photo of your ass and legs. Maybe you'll have better luck. I am looking for someone with more depth to their soul, so you and I are definitely not a match. I think you can find what you are looking for at your local brothel, so let's not waste anymore of each others time.
Well, you're gonna love this! I just got a reply from Ran Webber whom I don't find that attractive physically at all. At best he is mediocre. He isn't handsome at all, but I wanted to like him because I thought he must be intelligent and I admired his accomplishments. Turns out he is very shallow and not what I am looking for, so I informed him that I am looking for someone with more depth to their soul and that we would definitely not be a match. I told him that instead of a picture of his face, that perhaps he should also put up a picture of his ass and legs and see how many hits he gets. Also told him that what he is looking for he can find at a local brothel. haha If this is all men want and what I keep attracting then I may be pulling my profile off of there and forgetting the whole damn thing. Here is what he left me:
Hi Barb, I have played the "waiting for a photo game" a few times. In every case where I had to coax a photo from someone I ended up with nothing to show for it. Most times when I finally got a photo, they may have been attractive, even very attractive, but in most cases no matter how attractive they were, most were just not my type and I found that it was just too much effort to find that out. I just do not want to play that game anymore. I like to start with physical attraction, but there is so much more that is also important that I just want to move beyond the attraction stuff as soon as possible. Please don't play that with me. I'd much rather find out if you have a great ass and legs. Your face is of minor importance, if the real truth be told. So can you send me a picture of that instead. At least I will stay interested.
Ran
LOL Yes, you are misreading me. I am in a good mood and wasn't trying to launch a bitch at you. My comment was meant as a disclaimer that I indeed was not trying to boast about myself. Honey, you do have me paranoid about that. I'm afraid to say anything remotely positive about myself for fear you will think I'm bragging and full of myself. Please try to understand, I have read many self help and self improvement books especially during my twenties and thirties as I wanted to be the best person I can be. I have more of those kind of books on my shelves than any other kind, and they all stress the same thing which is, .. you are what you think you are, therefore always think positive about yourself and say positive affirmations everyday. You have this perception of me that I feel isn't accurate. I don't go around bragging and boasting and I prefer listening as opposed to being a talker and trying to be the center of attention. I don't seek that and I don't need that. I hope this will give you a clearer picture of who I am.
I recognize, appreciate, and thank you for your advice about my profile. I know you are only trying to help. You're right, a picture would definitely get me a lot more hits and it would get more guys to stick around. I still have some mixed feelings about even doing this and maybe wasn't taking it too seriously and possibly still am not. I tried it on a lark. I have basically been on my own with my walls up for a long time. Sometimes I still feel like I want to keep men at arm's length to protect myself plus I kind of like not having to answer to anyone else and I like having my home to myself. It is freedom pure and simple and I like it. It would likely help me to get Tony to stick around more as well. He was online a long time this morning so that tells me he has many responses from the ladies which is no surprise at all given how handsome he is. He has yet to respond but that is how he is. Just when I give up hope and a couple of weeks have gone by with no word, .. I will get a warm response out of the blue from him. Could be he is gone and in the hospital, at work or vacation or he has finally gone down his long list of ladies and is finally getting back to me. Who knows .... I assure you my cell is old and does not have a digital camera. I don't use it that much since I have a house phone. I guess I will move learning to use the camera on my computer up to priority status and set a goal of learning how to use it within say a week's time. I have been busy sending out job applications and trying to sell, clean and organize around my home since that dude ex bf/roommate loser has basically abandoned all his belongings of which there are many including a walk-in closet full of his clothes that I must get rid of. He was like a pack rat and even my attic is full of his stuff. Jamie and I are going to try to have a yard sale in another week or two so we can get rid of his stuff.
I have not meant to bring you down babe, and I swear I wasn't aiming any snide comments at you. I know you are sad about having to leave Ana but you will be talking to her on the phone everyday I'm sure and you can even video chat, right? You will see her again very soon so try to think positive. Once you are back with Jeffery, he will occupy your mind and time and doing things with your mom will help occupy your mind as well. Right? You still have another day left with Ana so go out and have fun with her. It's all good, right?
As a friendly reminder: I don't do bitchy. Or snarkey, for that matter. Or am I misreading your demeanor...mood? If so, I offer my sincere apologies. I truly do.
I was trying to be helpful with regard to a suggestion that I thought might make you seem more real and open. For exapmle, at my work (and even at my old work place a few years back) we post our CV, credentials, accomplsihments, job title, etc on the company's website for public access. A photo of each associate, employee is always invcluded. Most professional corporations, companies, institutions, etc do this now. It is to make the client or the intersted party feel you are more real, more 'freindly' so they have a good feeling about doing business with you....and of course it has nothing to do with the way someone looks, their level of attractiveness. Yes, I agree there will be those who will size you up...but for the most part, intentionally excluding a photo..when that is the norm...might be called into question and make you appear less real, less genuine, less veritable, less authentic and less accessible. But, perhaps on some level that is what you are looking for. Hence, Tony living clear across the country...as I do. Just trying to be helpful...but whatever....
I think you can be a little nicer to me knowing the stress and depression I am going through having to leave Ana and then resume with Jeffery....and all that entails. The disquiet and anxiety, not to mention the associated guilt, that I now have to endure. So stop bitching at me about your stupid picture...and you are not retarded for Christ sakes...learn how to sue a damn camera! If your cell phone was manufactured within the last 6 years...I assure you it has a camera. And a chimpanzee can figure out who to use a computer camera..not hard! Your computer is most certainly equipped with one. But, these are probably all just little convenient excuses. Now, as far as your other cattish comment... "Uh oh there I go tooting my own horn again"...no, this time you were not! What you said this time was actually socially acceptable and did not lack refinement as it did in the past instances when I had to point out these little 'faux pas' to you. Saying simply "I like myself and my looks" is a perfectly agreeable statement...but it seems like you are questioning that yourself...or trying to make a bitchy point. Am I misreading? Maybe I should introduce you to the bitch du jour, Naomi. LOL! You two can have a hay day with me as your topic! Okay--I feel better now that I got that off my chest. Again..if I misread and you were really not being a snide, snarkey, bitch...then I apologize. Sincerely I do.
I think my mother is staying until next Wednesday. Oh Lord...it will be a long week. Luckily, I have the time off from the office...though I will be busy with paperwork. I think J is gone until Monday which is going to be so hard on me. I told him to try to rush back so he can help out and entertain my mother with me. Yes, I love her with all of my heart...but she is rather, well, high maintenance. SURPRISE!
Hi M., .. I appreciate your thoughts on Tony. I just went over to the date site and it showed that he was currently online at that moment and had just read my message. All I can do is wait and see if he has anything to say. I don't think I said anything strange, .. I just stumbled over a couple of my words as I was caught off guard that I would be talking to a machine and my voice went weak on me at one point. As for my not having a picture up or not being proud of my looks or self, truth is I don't know how to do it and I suppose I should take the time to learn which just hasn't been something I have made a priority. I honestly carry no digital camera on my old cell phone and haven't snapped a picture in at least a few years. I use to always buy those throw away cameras. I'm just not big into snapping pictures anymore. Pictures are kind of bittersweet and sometimes they are very hard to look at for me because they show people and pets that are no longer alive, or even very happy times that I can never get back and it is strange to me that looking at old photos that use to evoke smiles, now evoke tears. Can you understand? I like myself and my looks Michael so that is not why I don't have a picture up yet. ( Uh oh, there I go tooting my own horn again ) There may be some truth in what you said about me not taking this dating site thing serious enough to get a picture up. It did make me feel like I was offering myself up like a piece of meat and trying to sell myself. On that level, and when I think about it, .. it still bothers me a little bit as a picture would drive that point home even more, now wouldn't it! True, I have a camera I believe on my computer but I have only used skype once when I worked for the FCC a couple of years back. I don't know how to take a picture with it let alone get it over to my date profile. I will ask Jamie if he knows how to use it and see if I can figure it out. I have a distaste and dislike for having to read manuals and instructions. I prefer to just be shown. LOL
How long is your mom going to be staying with you? It sounds like you are in for a bit of stress even though you love your mom and she means well. At least she will move to a hotel I take it when you get back. How long will J be in DC? Is it going to be the end of February then when you will see Ana again?
Can't say that you blew it...he seems like a good due and might just laugh it off...or understand that you were nervous. Dudes don't really dissect those things like women do and he may not give it much thought...as long as he doesn't get the impression you are weird or odd. I was thinking about how you refuse to put your picture up there (btw, the digital camera excuse isn't credible) and you might want to change that. I don;t think it is as much as men being superficial as they might think you have something to hide and cannot understand why you are not 'proud' of yourself and confident. I'd rather a plain looking women be proud of her appearance, stick her photo up then a women claiming she is very attractive and then provide excuses why her photo is not included. I'd contact the plain woman. It may give off the vibe that you really do not care and you are not serious about meeting dudes. Also...you have a camera on your new computer, I am sure, since they are all equipped now...so no flimsy excuses. You can even easily transfer a cell phone picture to your profile. I am just trying to help as I think there are some nice dudes out there who are questioning your seriousness about the site and they may not be willing to put themselves out there for someone who is not really interested in meeting dudes on line. Just one man's opinion.
My mother is coming tonight. J has left for DC and bro's caregiver is w/ him now. I am leaving here Saturday...do not like to think about it. Changed my flight 3 times already. I was considering putting it off to Sunday again...but my mom wants to see me and even Ana said "what difference will one day make...you will see me soon." As you have guessed...I did not 'end' it, much to Naomi's and J's dismay. My mother is not happy about staying at our place until I arrive home...but it will only be one night. Jeesh...she can be difficult. She prefers a hotel. J had the apartment completely cleaned for her and had a catering company stock the refrigerator with her favorite foods--she should be happy... anyway, she'll be sleeping in my room... LOL--wait until she opens the closet and sees all of J's stuff in there and all of his art work hanging on the walls and his gadgets, etc scattered about. IT is fairly obvious that he lives there full time. I expect many comments about that too.Talked to her last evening. Daniel told her about J's 'affair' with Roberto...as well as about Ana. So, as you can imagine, my mom is not the type to hold back commentary. "So it seems Jeffery is not that committed or that serious about you as he claims his affections dictate since he puts your health in danger with other sexual partners while you are away; well it is all for the best that you realize what type of person he is and then you can focus on your own life and, meeting someone worthy of you. He should have no problems attracting an intelligent homosexual man who is more his variety." I said "Mom, you do not know what happened. Don't listen to Daniel's half-account of this. Jeffery still feels the same about me, he made a mistake and I'm not going to punish him over it " Mom then said "but you said you are not committed so this should break you apart then, correct?" "No, mom, incorrect." Then she asked me about Ana "and what about this french girl Daniel mentioned, could it be serious?" I replied "I don't want to talk about it, I am leaving London soon and will not see her for a long while...so let's not go there please." She replied "sounds serious to me." LOL--mom is still hoping that her favorite child is straight-- and reproduces-- before her death.
Ohhhh God! I think I've probably blown it with Tony. I tried calling him and an answer machine came on and beeped quicker than I anticipated and I became like a deer in headlights and froze! hahahaha When I began to speak I started out okay I guess but then I got all nervous and started stumbling over my words a bit. I'm sure he can tell I got nervous, so I left him this written message:
Hi Tony, .. Oh my God, I just tried calling you and left a message and I got all nervous!! hahaha Truth is, I'm not in the habit of calling or chasing guys and though I am very outgoing for the most part, there is a little part of me that is shy and that part of me decided to show up right in the middle of trying to leave you a message. LOL I didn't think I would get nervous but it was just like sudden stage fright! hahaha Anyway, I was just wanting to see how you were doing and I'm hoping with all my heart that your health is improving and you are feeling better everyday. I miss hearing from you, so if you feel so compelled, drop me a line or give me a call anytime. All my love, ... Barbara ::rose::
What do you think Michael, did I blow it with him?
Did you have to go into work at all today or did you finish yesterday? Has your mom arrived yet? I'm sure she wants to spend some time with you as well. I was also curious how that girl is behaving now at J's work that was after him, since the party and seeing you two kiss. Has J noticed any fall out or people acting differently towards him?
Some men do take a sojourn to the other side (I was like that!) and I do not know that I would necessarily classify that as bisexual as much as bisexual leanings or as bi curious. I think R falls into that category bi curious category.
As I said...I closely resemble him...to the point my own brother mentioned it..and I was shocked to see his picture as well. He is a younger version of me...though maybe a bit less slim (though J claims he is fairly slim in person and taller than he looks in picture/video...also what J likes). He is me 10-15 years ago...and that is no word of a lie. My eyes are dark, yes. My eye shape may be a bit more almond due t my ethnicity...though being 1/2 European makes my eyes not appear typical east Asian. We could be bros.
Day was okay...am waiting for my baby to come home. She is so conscientious about work..such a hard worker and very committed..I admire that. She never sneaks out early as I often do. I just want to hold her since I won't have her for much longer...it is all very depressing for me :(
J sent me a nice note. Very nice...made me miss him a bit.
Well, all I can say is 'R' is very hot and good looking and I would be very attracted to him. The eyes on a guy are the first thing I notice and like, and his are beautiful. Are your eyes just like his? :) I definitely like masculine acting men. The feminine acting ones can be quite handsome at times, and they make me smile. I think they are adorable and even comical at times and I love that about them.
Tristan is very good looking and hot and I like watching him too as you know, as well as Cody. I still slip over to those sites. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not watching something of that nature. I am a voyeur. That would have been hot as hell watching R and J together, as well as you and J. I have a great imagination. :)
So how was your day, love?
Well, I know J and I know what he likes and I am sure he gave (a lot) as well as received oral. That is a 'no-brainer'. I believe that other act did not occur as J would not w/out protection for himself and his lover.. and this R is young, educated, surely knows that could be risky...it would be stupid. My impression from J was that R prefers to receive oral more than give ...typical for bi and bi-slanted men. I should know. Though I am sure since J stayed longer than an hour...it was a 2-way street...in fact, I am sure of it. J can coax anyone into doing that big unit, LOL! J likes both equally and I prefer receiving oral more, but happily engage in both.
Not so sure I agree with you that had Roberto not reminded J of me it would not have happened. Remember, they dated a year and a half back. I think their pairing was short lived due to Roberto's locale...but a week or two anyway. So the attraction was already there. He happens to be J's type...his preferred 'breed', as I am....though J readily admits that Roberto is "to young" for him. He is!! Anyway, my feeling is this kid is similar to me...very sexual, loves women, loves sex and is open to alternatives and options..so he meets a sexy, masculine, hot dude like J and is open-minded. I am sure that J seduced him when they first met when he hired him. J tells me he did not attempt to date him until after Roberto rejected the job offer to pursue his tomato and vegetable farming venture. J never dates dudes from work (would be stupid given his position) but he hires very hot looking guys. NOT a coincidence!
So, this Roberto you say seems hetero...I'd love for you to meet J and me because you would die. Nobody ever suspects we are a couple...and then they never suspect J is gay or I am anything but hetero. It is actually funny. J prefers masculine dudes as well. He tells me he has never dated a gay man, even though there are certainly some masculine gay men like him. He likes the idea of a man being bi and being with women too...makes them more masculine in his eyes which is a turn on. I happen to prefer masculine gay or bi dudes as well. Like Tristan. He is my type ;)
I'm sure you're right in what went down between the two of them, and I don't think it would have happened had he not reminded J of you. In a sense, he was making love to you! It's good you're not holding that against him. It makes sense he is only bi-curious because he seems more heterosexual than anything, and I know I saw him checking out a girl when she walked by in the grocery market. I would guess J is definitely more the exception than the rule for him.
You're so cute and I just absolutely adore you! I know you are not a barfly looking for one night stands with strangers. I detest guys that do that, and for the most part I am not at all fond of clubs and bars. Only if I go out with a bunch of friends will I even step foot in a club. Not the place I want to find a guy. I know you have high standards and you are selective. I would not like you if you didn't. When I first tried this online dating, I hated it and felt like I had just laid myself out like a piece of meat trying to sell myself. The first couple of weeks I came close many times to pulling my profile and forgetting the whole thing. But then I started meeting some real nice guys like Ran and Tony and it started to feel more exciting and natural to me, so now I like it for the most part and the nice thing is, my identity is protected until I decide to give out more personal info, I can easily drop the guys that creep me out or don't seem right, and I can literally correspond with guys around the world if I desire. I'm finding it fun now. I chickened out again on calling Tony last night. Hopefully I can get myself to do it today. I feel like my whole chance with him is picking the right timing to call him. If I can catch him in the right frame of mind I feel he will be more receptive to me. I just don't know of course when that is. I keep thinking that maybe around 7:30 or 8pm might be best. Not sure if he is home during the day.
You are right about Dennis. He was a clod. This Mike guy is three yrs older than me so I hope to God he isn't old looking! LOL I don't want to date a guy that reminds me of my dad! I really prefer younger guys because I don't look or feel like an old broad yet. LOL The kid in me still rules my life and hopefully will for a long time. I know this Mike works out at the gym regularly and is a bicyclist, so he should be in good shape physically speaking. Still, if he has an old looking face I might get weirded out! LOL I'm finding it fascinating how people age or don't age and why. Certainly genetics is a big factor, but so is lifestyle, eating habits, exercise and attitude is key as well. Look at Cher and Tina Turner and how good they look. I know Cher is at least in her sixties and I think Tina is even in her seventies now, and neither one looks older than late thirties or early forties. Simply amazing. Of course it doesn't hurt to have all the money in the world for botox and surgeries. LOL
So how was your night last night and what are you doing today? Are you back at work continuing your packing and organizing? Any idea yet when you are leaving, and did your mom make it in yet to take care of Daniel? How are you feeling now about everything?
So, what I was trying to 'say', rather inarticulately, is that I do not have sex for the sake of fucking. I do not. I love it, I admit and sometimes feel as if I could go all day! But, it has to be with someone I know (not necessarily 'know well') and whom I really like...with the exception of the few (very few) cases where I was nearly seduced...or weakened under the pressure and spell of a seductress...like w/ Tara...that would have been a colossal mistake! It would have happened once only, for that I am sure. But, it was like she was waving her goods in front of me on a silver platter.....saying "TAKE IT...NOW"!...... and she is young and attractive...it is hard for a man to resist. You have no idea! But that for me was the exception. Get it? So my relationships may involve frequent ....and if I am lucky...very good sex. This does not mean that my relationships are built on sex or revolve only around sex or that if the sex declines for a time that the relationship ends. you are extrapolating based on your own personal pre-conceived notions, ma dear.
Well, our plans didn't quite pan out last night. We made love as soon as Ana got home (like she even had a choice!)..which was rather late. Then we dined out...very late. When we arrived back home...I cuddled with her on my sofa prepared to put her in the mood again ...only I was the one who fell asleep! She must have woken me in the middle of the night to coax me into bed as I woke up in my underwear in my bed at 6:00 am. God...I must be getting old!
Re: Roberto the Southern tomato farmer I can't believe I confused hm w/ that other kid). He is not gay, he is...according to J bisexual or straight with Bi leanings. J tells me (And I believe this) that he is the only dude that Roberto has been with. He had or has a girlfriend. Looking at him,. he is not gay in my estimation...though I was also surprised when I first met J years ago and leaned he was gay. J was Roberto's first and only male sexual experience when they met about 18 months ago. Like my friend from work Alicia said to me upon meeting J "Wow, he could turn a straight man gay and make a dead man c**" Back when they first met, Roberto was going to work for J's company as an executive and did the tomato thing on the side. But he gave up his lofty corporate dreams and high paid position to devote to the tomato and vegetable farming enterprise which, apparently, is doing quite well. He came to NY to meet with J as an update on the prospectus and profits which is typical for investors...I assume J is an investor. Generally, J is too busy and too much of a 'higher up' to meet with these people...but of course with his former love interest..he made an exception. I am sure he wanted to see him anyway which I understand. Roberto was staying at the W hotel which has a nice restaurant so suggested they meet there. Mistake! To make a long story short...he had some literature in his room to give to Jeffery and offered to retrieve it. J told him give it to him after dinner on his way out. J said he followed him to this suite the whole time thinking he would wait outside and not go in. But he sad he stepped in and touched him on the shoulder...and then R responded by touching his shoulder and then it "just happened." I did not ask J what they did specifically. I only asked if he used a condom and he remarked "that didn't happen so there was no need.". He told me he did not envision this so had no condoms and neither did R. I think it was kissing touching and oral, of course. And it was over a 5 hour time period so certainly more than once (am assuming his magical number of 3). He takes blame and tells me he apologized to R , though R seemed to be fine about it. Then J said to me "he reminded me so much of you. I know that sounds trite and like an excuse...but I missed you, and he looked so much like you". LOL!--so do all of J's boyfriends! Yup, the dude has a type! No spell check ..sorry...in a hurry ..
Well, again, you misunderstand me...or fail to understand my lack of any motive as it may relate to intimate relations and my standards when it comes to relationships. I do not sleep around...you think that I do. I do not have sex with unknown partners...you assume that I do. I would not feel comfortable having intimate relations with someone to whom I really do not know. I would be almost a bit embarrassed....self-conscious, believe it or not. I do not do on-line dating or engage in 'blind dates'...have only done so once and it was a failure. I was set up for a date with a woman I did not know at all. We spoke on the phone once or twice and exchanged one or two e-mails....but the 'date' was the first personal, 3-D exposure I had to her. I found it unnatural, uncomfortable, forced.She liked me and that was obvious. I am certain that she would have come back to my place for pleasure...but I did not offer. I felt uncomfortable, awkward...and the situation was a bit unwieldy. In truth, it would have taken me a few dates to be intimate with her. Mind you...there was nothing wrong with her...she was attractive, smart (a physician) and very well-mannered, agreeable, nice. But the forced setting made me feel as if I needed a more natural setting to 'get-to-know' her first. Never called her for another date...but did thank her for a nice time and an enjoyable, lively conversation. This was 3 years ago and my friend at work was so pissed at me for not pursuing her. So, now when someone wants to fix me up with a stranger...I just use J as my excuse. "I'm seeing someone else" always works fine. Now, having written that...at the point that I become celibate for a year or more...I will absolutely try these methods to seek companionship..blind dates, set-ups, on-line dating and the like. No let me explain to you what my standard is as far as "courting" a date and adhering to the socially accepted dating ritual. I have never had to! I have always dated people I know...from work, from friends...always people I have met and were first colleagues or friends or friends of friends, acquaintances. This does not mean that I would not take a date to dinner..of course I would ..I do! I just never have to go through the "number of dates guideline" that you and many others, presumably adhere to. I generally already know the woman (or men) with whom I date! It was a bit different with Ana as I have not been here very long and do not know that many people due to my abbreviated employment and relocation. But, before I asked her out for a after-party night cap ....we had some very deep hearty conversations at work. She was having tea in my office each morning, We had traveled (locally in London) to a client's office on 3 or 4 occasions, etc. While I did not know her well...I knew her and I liked her. With Bea, the first time w met 3-D...we had sex later in the evening...however, we had been corresponding through work (and we got very personal....) for a year; we spoke on the phone for a year; I felt I knew her as if we had gone out on a few dates...maybe better. Majority of my relationships begin as friends...fun, laughing, having lunch, etc. I don't feel the need to pretend that I have to adhere to these American cultural rituals..unless of course the woman (or dude) wants to...and in my experience, they never do. Does this mean that I do not treat my lady friend to dinner? Of course not! I consistently dine with them...and treat them to plays, concerts, movies, and whatever else they fancy...and I insist on paying 100% of the time because that is how I was brought up. And yes, I walk them to their cars (unlike that clod you dated), and I open the car door, open all doors for them to enter and exit an establishment or a home, stand when they leave the table, stand again when they return, pullout their chair to sit, pull it out again when when they stand up, help her w/ her coat, etc.....that date-dude was rude and ill-mannered. Just sayin'
I just got a reply this evening from Ran Webber out of the blue. I thought he had fallen away as it has been a few weeks since we last talked. It seems a number of the shallow ones fall away when I don't produce a picture of myself on my profile. I am looking for guys who aren't so superficial and are willing to take a leap of faith when I tell them I am attractive. A few are sticking with me. Ran seemed to think I had fallen away from him. Not true, I left him the last message, but maybe he forgot. He is the architect and artist that lives in Buffalo, NY and is working on that fabulous Skyway Project. I may try to call Tony tonight. I feel like timing is everything and just hope I can catch him at a good time when he feels like talking to someone.
- ran out of keystrokes- continued: or is it something new you want her to do? Details please! :) Has she taken a bath with you before, or just given you a bath? Maybe my hot little scenario before of my taking a bath with you and having you lean back on my bare chest has inspired you! Could that be? :) Enjoy, .. I'm sure it will be a most delightful experience with her. ;)
Michael, .. I think honestly that you are more the exception than the general rule that most people still follow to this day! :) And that is, .. courtship and dating before sex. I also think that with 'most' people, an affection and closeness starts to build first in other ways through knowing them outside the bedroom first. With you, it is the opposite. Your affection usually starts to build after the bedroom ritual and you find out they are compatible and great in bed with you. I remember Ellery pointing that out one time in one of her posts, so I know I am not the only one to observe this. I am not saying anything is wrong with this and you are not alone as there are others who do it that way too, but what happens when the sex starts to die down or one partner doesn't want it as often as the other? What is left to hold each other together? I have seldom if ever fallen into bed with anyone after a first date. I like having time to build on the expectation of making love with that person and making sure they are right for me and that I want to take things further with them. I like feeling the affection growing day by day and starting to feel a longing for them. I feel if it is instant gratification right from the git go, it is more likely to be a flash in the pan that will not last because it was not built from a solid foundation of taking the time to really know and understand each other. You and I have taken 2 years or more now to get to know each other, and I have a pretty good understanding of who you are and I love and accept and absolutely adore you Michael. The minute we meet in person, it isn't likely anytime will be wasted as my desire for you has had plenty of time to build. I don't think I could wait any longer. The longest I can fathom is getting from the airport to your place or a hotel before I begin ripping your clothes off. If I am really good at that moment of controlling myself, then it might be nice to spend half an hour of talking to you face to face while I gaze into your eyes for the first time and I have a chance to caress your face or hold your hand and feel the warmth and hotness of the chemistry building between us. That might be nice if we can do that when first we meet.
Surely you know I wasn't calling Ana a whore, but instead was referring to what your first intention was with her which was a simple limited time dalliance which she did agree to enter into with you. That's all I was trying to say, so please don't take offense when none was intended. She conducts herself with dignity and is very much a sweet and caring thoughtful lady, and I do like her. She's good for you and keeps you happy so that in turn makes me happy.
I have decided not to return any replies to that Dennis dude I had the date with. Besides the premature suggestion that I should now 'cook' for him, he didn't offer to walk me to my car or extend a few other manners that a true cultured gentleman should have offered. There is another guy named Mike that I have been corresponding with for a couple of months now and I just gave him my phone number so we can start talking on the phone. He is also Hispanic. In case you don't know, there are plenty of that ethnicity here. LOL Hispanic guys don't bother me and seem to really light up when they see me. I'm guessing it is because of my long blonde hair, green/gold eyes and fair skin. I imagine they like my figure too. Hispanic women on the other hand seem to betray me and turn two face, .. don't know if it is jealousy or what.
Mike just called me and we talked for the first time over the phone and he wants to take me out to dinner and a drink. We haven't set a date yet, and he had a client walk in while we were talking, so we will set something up later. He has a nice low soothing voice but he talks so low and soft that I have trouble hearing him. I guess we will see how this one goes.
So is it your little fetish you want her to do, or someth
First paragraph should read "I told her too much about myself and my exploits."
and then read "not sure if she has slept with anyone since she split with her husband, but she needs it in a bad way."
She never told me she was sexually attracted to me...and perhaps, it was not a sexual attraction as much as an attraction of another sort..but surely I could tell it was there and that she was, indeed, attracted to me. She definitely changed though when we became closer and as she got to know me better (I have that affect on some women). I told her too much. Not sure she has slept with anyone since she split with her husband...but she needs it in a b about myself and my exploits.
Okay--I don't quite get your references to archaic dating rituals and the antiquated language with regard to relationships..."court her in a respectable and serious sort of fashion" LOL! How very Victorian of you! I don't do that. I do not decide...am not capable of deciding... if I my "heart and emotions are involved" prior to "anything happening". Gosh....saying that "she was not about to participate with you for pure, momentary sex in the beginning as Ana was..." ...LOL! This makes Ana sound like a whore and she is not. There is nothing wrong with wanting and enjoying sex with a good person, ma dear. It is what leads to a greater love and affection...for me anyway. And truly I respect Ana much more than I ever respected Naomi. Not to say that Naomi is not deserving of respect...she is, she is a loyal friend to Ana and a wonderful, doting single mother and works very hard at her career to provide for her child. But to me, Ana has earned my respect...not by fucking me, but by showing me her kindness, her vulnerability, being my friend and being truthful and honest about who she is and how she feels and by loving me and being there for me, and yes...by fulfilling my desires. So, I guess if what you say is true (may or may not be), then Naomi clearly miscalculated her moves and underestimated me.
I asked Ana if she was unhappy about me leaving knowing that I will be sharing my bed, again, with Jeffery and resuming our sexual relationship. She told me "I am unhappy that you are leaving but no, I am not sad about you sharing your bed with him...I am not. I am thankful that he loves you so much and will be there to care for you."
Ana asked me what I wanted to do tonight and told me "it is your night, I am all yours, tell me and we will plan what you like." Sooooooooo...I told her I wanted to make love the moment she walks through the door (big shock!)...then go out for a late dinner, come back and make love again (I was very specific what this would involve but I will be tame right here), and then she can join me in a warm bath--which she neglected to do last night :( -- and in my large tub she can do some nasty, naughty, lovely things of her choosing to me. And after the bath we can, perhaps, have another round of lovemaking. She said "darling I do not know if we will have time for all of that..I have to work early tomorrow". So I told her in that case we can skip dinner ;)
If Naomi was at one time sexually attracted to you, she probably still is on at least that level, so I feel fairly confident she has conflicted feelings about you and probably also felt an attraction to you a bit on an emotional level as well when she saw how tender and attentive you were with her son. She may have even been hoping that once she gained your respect, that you might have wanted to date and court her in a respectable and serious sort of fashion. She was not about to participate with you for pure momentary sex in the beginning as Ana was willing to do, but that didn't mean necessarily that she wasn't still interested in you. She just wanted your heart and emotions involved if anything was to happen between the two of you. So I am of the inkling to believe there is likely some form of envy and jealousy as well that you and Ana have hit it off with each other, along with feeling sad that you no longer spend much time with her and Thomas, and of course she doesn't want to see her friend upset as well. I think that Michael, .. is the full picture of what is going on with her. In time I think the rift with her will heal.
Are you still at work? Will Ana be home early with you tonight? Did you ever get your sensuous bath last night? And yes, I would love to know what happened with Roberto, finally.
Ma dear, I hardly slipped up. I was able to restrain myself by withdrawing before my critters swam the English Channel. Though I will be more cautious in the future. So there is really nothing to tell J now is there? I mean...last time I was not so strong and did released in the Bermuda Triangle. Then Pregnancy was a real threat so I did mention it to him in conversation. Due to the nature of our activity, J and I (well mostly "I'') use condoms. But I won't get into that..it is a safety issue and a health issue in certain vicinities. Get my drift? I have 100% sued protection during this type of activity always with both genders. J is protected as I have never f----- him w/ out one. Ever. Is this your concern? Hey, I am not as promiscuous as you seem to think...I just like sex. I have standards and am discriminating.
I was never that attracted to Naomi or for very long. Yes, when we first met she was very gregarious and friendly and really sweet, bubbly and we became instant friends. I didn't get a taste of her bitchy side then...which I am not at all fond of in women. I don't "do" bitchy. But I was not looking for female love at that point. Things changed a bit with J, and when I began looking, the only women I knew who liked me was Naomi...yes, I could tell for sure that she was a bit attracted to me sexually. But that ended fairly quickly the more friendly we became. She thought (and still thinks) I am a pig and a lothario, so became disinterested fairly quickly. She has made no secret of that. She is a bit prudish I think, a bit matronly looking as well. Her face is very cute, but she looks very conservative and dresses stodgy...not really my type. Another reason I did not pursue her is because of her son and her horrid x husband. I though that it would be unkind to get involved w/ someone who had her hands full trying to raise a child and deal with an arse of an x husband....she did not need any more problems or conflicts I thought. Anyway...Ana is more attractive, more slender (though not really thin) and shapely and sexier than Naomi (I would not describe Naomi as sexy). Well, the fact that she is also a raving bitch too has completely turned me off...as I said...and I just don't do bitchy. I did notice Ana at work...but again, was not actively looking. I knew she was dating the separated dude who also works there...and they had been an item for a while. Besides...she was very confident with her posture and gave off that 'unavailable' impression. She was (and is) rather quiet, reserved in nature...she was not someone I would have assumed would be interested in me. And then I noticed one day that she was coming by more, talking to me, etc. And this was about the time I was seeing a lot of J going home, etc. missing him...so I didn't really pay much mind to it. Anyway, I took notice once J was being a bad little boy and "allowed" me to freely see women....She is awesome and I wished I had become involved with her sooner.
I think you are correct...when I was upset with Ana for not being with me when her work mates were in town for 2 days and for leaving me the few days before for Paris...Naomi felt badly for her friend. I even feel badly about how I treated Ana...but it was because I loved and missed her and wanted her with me. I don't blame Naomi for being angry over how I treated Ana..I made her cry most profusely with y cruel words...and it even made me sad to think what I did. I don't like to think about that. Naomi thinks I was selfish and behaved like a spoiled child who lost their binky, LOL!
More on J's Roberto later...I'll give you the scoop. Have to get some stuff done. No spell check
Just curious: When was the last time Naomi had a boyfriend or romance in her life? Any idea? Wasn't she showing an interest in you in the beginning, or do I remember that wrong?
I think you know what I meant in regards to whether you told J. He hopes you will always be smart enough to put on your raincoat EACH and EVERY TIME!! So I take it you did not mention you slipped up. :) Anyway .....
I think J may be on to something about Naomi. She probably does miss what she had with you, and I wonder also if there might not be just a tinge of possible regret and envy because I am sure she picked up on your earlier hints and talks with you that it could have been her you started an affair with instead of Ana. She kind of turned you down, and now she sees her friend in love with you instead. Do you follow me? You did half heartedly try to start up with her in the beginning. Was she more appealing to you than Ana? It didn't seem to me that Ana even attracted you that much in the beginning, or at least you never mentioned to me that you had the hots for her at anytime. It seemed like it was only after Naomi mentioned that Ana was interested in you that you only then noticed her. Am I wrong? I am sure part of her anger at you comes from seeing Ana crying or unhappy at times in relation to her situation with you.
"Does J know what happened?" What do you mean? Nothing happened...we only had sex, why what would I be telling J? He knows that Ana and I are sexually active if that's what you mean. I never tried to hide that from him. Maybe she should go on the pill. She seems to think that we do it a lot, LOL! The other night she said "Michael, sometimes I like to sleep or only make love once during the evening...I get tired from work and am not always that energized for more than one episode a night on all nights." LOL--I am usually able to change her mind pretty quickly though :)
Naomi said what she need and I have been ignoring her. J hinted yesterday that maybe a small part of her anger directed at me is because she does not see me as much ..I don't visit her often now that I am busy with Ana and she may feel a little deprived of male attention, left out...and is overreacting. Though J still feels she is really considering Ana's well being.
Had a talk with h
Okay my precious one, .. no more lectures about safe sex but please encourage her to get on the pill and if she is more than three days late with her period, then best check for pregnancy for peace of mind especially before you leave her if possible. She will need you to comfort her and figure things out if it ends up positive. When is her period due? Does J know what happened?
I hope you can avoid Naomi. She is probably glad you will be leaving soon sorry to say. I hope you can get out of the office as quickly as possible so she doesn't corner you again. I don't know what else she can say to you that she hasn't already said but I'm sure she will try to think of something. I would imagine you will have mixed feelings today and that is to be expected so just do your best to think positive.
Do you like banana bread? I bought three bananas several days ago that I never got around to eating and now they are too ripe for my taste so I am going to make them into banana bread today. Wish you were around 'cause I would make you a loaf to take with you. All my love, .. Storm
^^Baaaaad typos..sorry. very rushed today...Hopefully you can decipher my very poor spelling and vocab, LOL!
I think you fail to comprehend that what I did people use as an effective method of birth control all over the world. IT is probably only slightly else effective than condoms! She won't get pregnant and I already promised her I won;t take chances and do it again. Okay mommy? The odds of any of my little critters begin released in minute numbers and creeping up those fallopian tubes is exceedingly rare! Yes, it could happen...but very unlikely. Last time I did not even withdraw so that was the issue. Please do not worry. She would think I was cukooo if I requested a pregnancy test for just that. LOL--she asked me a couple of weeks ago if she should go on the pill considering the frequency of our sex...I told her it was up to her...perhaps I should have said "hell yes" !
Am in the office cleaning thing sup and organizing stuff to shop for the move. I'll probably be in tomorrow too. More later..gotta run...
I'm glad you told me babe, don't regret it. Yes, I'm going to smack your hand because you know you are being reckless, careless, a bit selfish, and you're playing Russian roulette of a sort with the possible future of her life, a potential baby's life, and even your own future. Why? Because you don't want to ruin the thrill. ARE YOU CRAZY? Darling, you know it only takes one sperm to impregnate and yours appear to be very healthy and bouncing off the walls. If you're not worried then you're not keeping it real! A tiny amount of pre-ejaculate containing only a few sperm will do the trick and make a baby, so quit kidding yourself and taking chances. I fear this will keep happening with you so why not ask her to get on the pill? She needs to get responsible for her own safety as well and use protection. It probably wouldn't hurt to go ahead and pick up a pregnancy test and find out now if there is a positive return on the test instead of waiting for her period which may be messed up on timing considering what happened last month. What would it hurt? Better you're there to support her in case it's positive than finding that out after you're gone, right? It's also better to find it out as early as possible so you can discuss your options and certainly abortion is less traumatic all the way around the earlier it is performed, should that be what she decides to go through. Please don't get upset with me for anything I've said here, because I care and I'm now worried once again for the sake of both of you. That's just the way it is ...
No, I am not desiring to become a father. I will be perfectly happy in this life without ever having to reach that particular milestone...though I am not averse to the possibility should it happen...but, I am not trying to MAKE it happen either consciously or subconsciously, I assure you! I never should have told you. Yes, I agree with you that Ana probably miscarried. Not to be graphic...but there was a lot of blood. I think she knows for sure she did, but tired to minimize it for me. But understand that I did ejaculate in her that time. Yes, I know that a very small amount of semen can be released pre-ejaculation...but only a tiny l amount. I promise you that I am not concerned like last time...at all. I really did pull out in plenty of time and I think it was because I did see how she suffered a bit last time...even given the very early stage of what was most likely a miscarriage. And I do not wish to put her through what I put Elizabeth through. If it makes you feel better...I put one on this evening during activity (well, 2 ...1 each time) ...so I am learning! I am not beyond reform! I was telling you this about me and about J so you would cut your son a break...we are ALL guilty of this idiocy! And with J it is worse because I think Sam would be ecstatic to birth his progeny. I think he (not me) is the one who need be careful. I am starting to fade off and have wasted 2 hours on line this evening so need to sleep. So late.
Baby you are going to get her pregnant! I know you are aware that withdrawing before ejaculation is not good enough! Are you desiring to become a father? It is not fair to her babe. Look what she went through with the miscarriage and I am certain that is what happened. It is painful as hell to go through that. Have you talked to her about getting her on the pill? You are obviously thinking of continuing sex with her in the future so see if you can't get her to do that because darling your will is weak. I understand about not wanting to ruin the moment but my God, now we have to worry and wait to see if her next period comes! Did it happen when she was likely to be fertile? Her period should be coming soon, right? Honey, you don't want to further complicate your life and hers by an unplanned pregnancy and you know your sperm is EXTREMELY strong and turbo powered to evidently last for days. You can't keep fucking up like this! You're going to be very lucky if you aren't already a daddy in the making.
Is your work complete now for the time being, or will you have to go into work tomorrow as well? It would be best perhaps if you can avoid being around Naomi for now, .. even if that means not seeing Thomas which is sad, but if she is only going to glare at you while you visit with him, he is likely to pick up on that and that won't be good for anyone. Ana will certainly comfort you once she gets home.
I was asking you earlier about Roberto, and whether he is gay or bi, and whether that was his first time experience with what happened. Also was inquiring if it was just an oral thing or whether there was more.
Try to rest and sleep, and drift yourself off into dream thought where I am running your bath water and beckoning you to get in. Maybe I will be waiting for you already in the bath and you can climb into the nice warm water and lean your back against my chest and I will rub your chest and belly with a nice soaking wet soft cloth while you close your eyes and relax and I'll hold you. Then I'll start rubbing something else a little lower down while you reach up and kiss me on my neck and then on my mouth. Sound good? :) XOX
LOL---your unprotected sex comment made me laugh..."some reason people go stupid"..true! I didn't learn my lesson for sure...and I am smart, educated in my late 30's! But even I go stupid!
You will hate to learn that it happened again with Ana...twice last week no condoms. Why? Who knows...caught up in the moment...interruption breaks the thrill...she was the one who kept saying "go get them Michael". But, in my defense I showed Herculean restraint and withdrew right before orgasm, both times. And what about J and Sam? He used nothing with her every time as she claims to be on the pill (and he did not withdraw). Another Ivy-leagued educated man in his 30's....it matters not who you are...we ALL go stupid!
Well, I agree with your son on this one, not that you solicited my opinion. While your heart was in the right place...it was not your place to contact her. There may be a reason...and for his own mental health...that he needs to sever that relationship completely, which by extension, includes this woman's child. Maybe he did not want to be a father and this girlfriend is manipulative or malevolent and has personal issues and it best he just leave this experience, and the aftermath behind. If she does not want to maintain the relationship, there is no way it will happen without a big fight and a lot of pain aimed his way. You cannot make him want to be a father and you cannot make him a good father. It best he wait until such time he is ready, if ever. He needs to move on past this. It seems your efforts, while laudable, may cause him more pain and heartache. This woman has control and whatever she wants to do with this child ...you will have no say. Unless he had a relationship with this child (if he raised her during her formative years) it seems best to try to get on with his life without her and that mother of hers. Probably best you forget about the little girl too--luckily you did not really develop a relationship with her.
I know you asked me something else but I cannot recall...so I need to run home now. I am so tired and stressed. I have not booked my flight yet...am putting off the inevitable. LOL--don't even know when I am leaving still. I am sick of hearing this crap from Naomi...trying so hard to make me feel guilty and ya know...she is right in many ways. Don't care for her execution though. Lucky for me both Ana and J have been awesome. Even J...told me it was okay and he will still love me no matter what I do re: Ana or how it fleshes out. I am going to go home and nap and try to sleep off this depression. Ana will be home late. Hate when she is not here with me. I need a warm bath and my belly rubbed...LOL!
He hasn't been with her in 2 yrs. That was an old email, and they barely communicate with each other. I called her when he was on that trip to Carmel,CA this past summer, because I wanted to check on Holly and see how she was, so Amanda and I talked for maybe 20 minutes and I was hoping to establish communication and put things back on peaceful ground and told Amanda that I have never had bad feelings about her and that she would be welcome in my home if she ever comes back to New Mexico, and that I thought it was too bad things ended as they did between the two of them ( Jamie & her ). She was very nice to me. I didn't tell Jamie right away and instead waited a few weeks down the road. When I did select a moment when I thought he might be receptive, he blew up and was livid with me, especially that I had invited her to stay here if she visits. He just told me, " You don't know her and you need to trust me on this so don't talk to her!" I told him I did it for Holly's sake and that I miss her terribly and told him that if we don't stay in contact, she could move and we will lose contact with her. He seems fine with that and seems to not want anything to do with Holly, and I just don't understand how he can turn his back on his own daughter. I asked him that and he told me that he isn't ready to be a father and that he needs to work on himself and get his act together before he can help Holly. I agree with you that the abortion was the best decision and she must have gotten pregnant when Holly was around a year old. You would have thought they had learned their lesson about unprotected sex but for some reason people go stupid! Even my own kid, and I talked with him and warned him plenty about unprotected sex especially once he reached high school and I thought I had covered all the bases. He just didn't listen.
Are you okay, honey? I'm sorry you're down. Talk to me. What can I say or do to help you? I'm sending you a big hug so maybe if you close your eyes you can feel me wrapping my arms around you ..... everything is going to be alright, I promise.
It is better that his gf got the abortion. He needs to learn his lesson and stop f-ing her...or wear a condom. She doesn't sound like a good mother and needs to stop duplicating her sub-par genetic material. Sorry.
I am very depressed today, rock bottom. :(
Hi M., .. Well, her opinion really doesn't matter so ignore her. Is this your last day at work? If so, then you won't even have to be around her. I take it Ana is still expected to show up at work, right?
I'm glad you see what this dude said as a bit rude and presumptive as well. He didn't even give me the chance to offer that to him, which I may have done a few dates down the road, but he really has just blown it with me and I don't think I would even enjoy a second date out and about with him now, because it now feels like he is just looking for a surrogate wife replacement to be his maid and cook, and yes, it did raise a red flag in my mind that he may have been thinking about my bedroom and thinking he could then try to get cozy with me. Not happening, .. not even in a million years or another lifetime! I would rather have ants eat me alive! haha
I was wondering, is that Roberto guy bisexual or is he gay? I wonder if he has been with dudes before this incident that happened. He sure is cute and doesn't strike me as gay at all. In one of the videos he is even staring at and admiring a girl that walks by. If I'm not being too inquisitive, was it just the oral act that took place that night, because if there was more, I sure hope one of them had condoms readily available.
I went over to the date site and reread Tony's messages to me and they are just so damn sweet and he doesn't seem to be afraid to express his emotions, ... just like you do. Women love that, and it's a shame more guys don't open up like that. Neither Jamie's dad or I taught him to stuff his emotions, so he is generally pretty good at expressing himself, though he opens more to his dad than me for some reason. He knows I'm open minded and shared about his bisexuality when I asked because I already suspected that, but he doesn't want to open up about what went down between him and Amanda, which is the girl that had his daughter. He had been using my computer the other day and had checked his email and forgot to sign off from it. I saw an old message to him from Amanda so I snooped and opened it up. I found out they aborted a second pregnancy of his child, and she didn't want the abortion but he basically forced her to get it. That kind of shocked me. I don't dare bring it up or talk to him about it because he would hand me my head on a silver platter if he knew I had snooped into his mail. One time he left his journal on his bed that he keeps of his personal thoughts and I picked it up and started reading it. I questioned him about a few things in it freely admitting I had read it, and he was very angry at me, feeling I had violated his privacy which yes, I did. So, I don't look at his journal anymore. If I pick up any trouble signs like depression or a sudden change in his behavior, then I may snoop again to see what I can find, but he seems happy and stable so I see no need to do that at this time.
Well babe, I hope things continue to go well for you and Ana and you can enjoy every moment you share together. Don't let anyone's opinions including mine as well, get in your way of doing whatever you feel is right for you. Okay? I love you jelly bean! :)
Yes...after I wrote the piece last night about feeling the same way the first time I made love to Liz as I did with Ana....and you inferred that it was possibly the same with Bea. I thought about that directly after posting it and yes, I did fall for Bea quite readily as well. Though I recall the first time we had sex it was very torrid and dirty and of that sort (not that I didn't love it...I did!). But I would say within a few weeks I knew it was love what I felt for her was, at the time, real. Yes, I loved her...just not the kind of love that has longevity. Time proved that. I guess after getting slapped, pushed and verbally assaulted a few times by your lover...it can force one to be feel less than amorous. In the matter of 5 or 6 months (and living together, being together every day) Bea went from calling me her 'mon coeur' to a "c---- su----- faggot!" when she was upset about my sexuality and lack of commitment (though I never dated another women when we were together). LOL! You females are a strange breed...if you are not angry at the dude...then one of your friend is...LOL!
Last paragraph correction: She was not "amused".
The comment is not only indicative of very uncouth behaviors, as well as being highly presumptuous...but it is sexist as well. Seems like he paid for one dinner and a movie and does not want to do it a 2nd time,...or maybe he wants to come over your house thinking that he'll have a better opportunity to get you in bed. That is how dude's think. I admit I love when a woman cooks for me and even feeds me (I know..I know...) however, I would never PRESUME she wants to do that or is willing to, I always wait for the offer, and maybe throw in some hints here and there...and I'd never come out and ask especially after only a first platonic date. I'd do one of 2 things: either respond saying "Trust me, you do not want to experience my cooking" or "You are so FUNNY!...let me know if you'd like to meet up for friendly conversation again another time in the future."
Naomi just left my office a while ago...closed and locked my door and chewed me out. She was harsh...very harsh. I didn't bother responding at first, I was ignoring her, not looking at her even and only said "Sorry mommy, can I come out of my room now." She was not assumed and yelled at me even saying "Why do you have to be such a shit"!!? I think she is trying to not only drive me away form Ana...but drive me out of the entire country. It's working too.
The date dude just blew it with me. I left him a message yesterday evening thanking him when I got home one last time on his profile message board for a lovely evening, and then this morning he left me this message:
so Barb what happens from here? maybe you can suggest the next move. we talked alot and i enjoyed being with you too. make a couple of suggestions and we can go from there. would love to see what kind of cook you are.
COOK !! That's a little premature and in fact rude I think to hint that he now wants me to "cook" for him when I did not offer that at any time! I would love and have already offered to cook for you Michael, but this dude just turned me off with that little not so subtle hint. He is 50 yrs old and going through a divorce. If he had touched me, the date would have gone bad, but he did not so I enjoyed the time with him. I am not attracted to him physically at all, and his personality is mediocre at best. There is just no spark or chemistry that I felt from it, but he seemed to like me. I could maybe like him as a friend in platonic fashion only, but now he wants me to cook for him already. Well, I don't think so!! I have not responded back to him and I'm debating if I even should. I'm still thinking about that one. I chickened out on calling Tony today. I have never really chased after men before so I feel shy about doing this, but in his case I will, maybe tomorrow if I feel the urge and mood to do it. I figure I can always show him concern and that I care about his health so I will start by asking him how he is doing and go from there. It did feel nice to have an actual date and get out for the evening instead of staying home all night like I usually do, .. it would just be nice to do it with a guy I feel chemistry with.
Didn't you also feel the same way with Bea, as you felt with Elizabeth and now Ana? I had the impression that was pretty instantaneous as well.
I am not "confused on what (I) should do". Nor am I searching for a "clear cut answer" to present itself. I am confident in how I feel and what Ana feels for me. I am, however, in partial opposition to what Naomi feels are sufficient reasons to dissolve this relationship....though I admit that she may have some (not all) valid points re: me, personally (sans the insults).
Look...I want to be with her and I knew this the first time we were together alone....the first time we made love. Sounds like a romantic, fanciful notion, yes? Since that first time, my feelings have grown. I have only felt this way having been with someone new only one other time in my life and it was the first time I made love to Elizabeth. Yes, it can be dismissed as infatuation if you must...and only time will tell if it is more. I don't feel like this is a passing fancy and I don't feel like I need look for any hard answers. I am very confident in how I feel. I am trying to figure how to fit her...us...into my complex life. My first priority is Daniel. And then Jeffery. I love them both. I will not abandon or hurt either of them. Especially Daniel, of course. I will have to come back to London periodically as I have been traveling here since 2003 at least once or twice monthly. If I leave here before the end of January (which looks imminent) I'll be back in February for a wrap-up meeting and maybe one other time that month. I see no urgency in breaking it off w/her now knowing I'll be back. Why hurt her now when it is not necessary? All I know is that I want to be with her and have her near me and sleep next to her. I'm good with her.
Did the date dude call you to thank you for a great time? How old is he? Is he cougar-bait? LOL! Have you heard form Tony yet? Just think...if you visit him, you can swing by an visit me too. Very convenient.
Honey, your bisexuality is not a fault or defective part of you and you know I am not saying that. Many people on this planet don't accept that as 'normal' but that is their problem. I doubt Ana has come across a bisexual guy that she has ever fallen in love with. I am simply trying to say that I am sure she wishes your life was less complicated and that you were free of any other relationships such as you harbor with J. And I'm sure she wishes you were not still carrying a torch and desire to get Elizabeth back. This is not a stretch to believe Michael. When I am talking about what women in love want, I am talking mainstream and the majority of women. I am wondering if you are simply afraid to ask her what she wishes she could have from you. She has never been married, has no kids yet, and she is 36? Do I remember her age correctly? You don't think she has longed to get married and settle down with one true love? I bet you peas to beans she has thought of that and wanted it. I bet if you proposed right now to her she would say yes, as insane as that sounds. Love is insanity half the time! LOL You two are still in that euphoric infatuated stage and don't really know each other very well yet. I'm not saying you aren't in love, you say and feel you are so I believe you. I know that feeling well and I miss it. I will get back to something I told you before and I really mean this Michael. Live in the moment and enjoy what you have now with her. If confused on what you should do, then take it day by day. That has always worked for me. A clear cut answer will present itself sooner or later. I wish you joy and love, you know that.
LOL--- the "nature of women"? Do you mean and speak for ALL women? So ALL women wish a man they have been dating and having sex with for 5 weeks would propose to and marry them? I think not! I don't even have a vagina and I know that is false. Perhaps some woman may feel this way ...certainly NOT most. Who the fuck would want to actually marry me?? LOL! I'm not such a bargain, if you haven't noticed.
I cannot ask her what her "heartfelt desire" is. Then if I cannot fulfill it...would not that be cruel? Like leading her on? All I know is that I do not want to hurt her and I want to protect her. She is like an innocent to me.
So what I hear from you is that all of these things Ana wishes I were not...bisexual, living with a dude, still in love still w/ Liz prevent me from happiness..from loving someone else...because they will all wish, including Ana, I were not any of these things...these things that I am? So, due to my bisexuality(and other factors...)...I am not likely to have a women who really wants me as I am? I am therefore, ineligible for happiness with a mate? I could hide my bisexuality...but my feeling has always been that if someone loves me enough...if they come along..they will accept it. Liz did, J does to a large extent and even Bea did for a while, I suppose. Do any of us ever get the "perfect" picture of what we want? Or do we settle because the person has enough awesome qualities that their other "defects" are able to be overlooked? I know I am defective...really, I do. You need not remind me.
Well, I really need her right now and if I lose her or push her away... I feel I will be very depressed. I don't want to hurt her or be burdensome to her...but I don't think I can break away. I want to love her and make her happy and maybe I cannot do this forever..but I can love her right now. I don't know when I am leaving here. I have not booked my flight. I need to do that. She is sleeping right now. I am still wide awake.
I understand, .. I really do. Knowing first hand about the nature of a woman babe, I am quite certain that if you ask her to tell you what her true heartfelt desire is with you if she could have it perfectly the way she wishes it could be, and she is perfectly honest without trying to say what she thinks you will want her to say, .. she will wish you weren't bisexual, she will wish you weren't living with and in love with a man, she will wish you were not pining away for another woman, and she will wish you would propose to her and marry her. She will wish that you stay true to only her and give up your flirtatious ways and need for other lovers. Why don't you put that question to her and tell her that you don't want her to say what she thinks you want to hear, tell her you want her to be honest and paint for you the 'perfect' picture of what she wants, what she needs, and how she wishes things were and what her 'secret' desire is with you? If she is totally honest and not trying to just say what she thinks you want to hear, then what I've described is what she will tell you. Neither one of you want to let go of each other, I understand that. The thought of letting go or losing her has to feel extremely painful for you and maybe you can't do it and therefore you won't. Honey, I will support you whatever you decide, but just think about what I have presented to you and ask yourself if you are the right guy to keep her happy and truly give her what she desires and needs. If you think you can make this whole thing work, then I hope you're right. Maybe it will for awhile, but I can't shake the feeling that eventually, something's got to give and it won't be pleasant. I hope I'm wrong, .. I don't want to see you hurting. Have you decided yet if you're staying on longer?
J told me that his estimation of this relationship with Ana is ..."you always seem to be looking for someone who will attend to your needs, pamper and care for you.....and as much as I love you and will do anything for you...I just don't have that mommy touch." LOL!
LOL! didn't mean to write "mad" dear....meant "ma dear"...really it was a typo!
Thanks you for your honest opinion and no, I am certainly not mad at you for being candid. But you said in the first sentence that I was not looking for 'forever' or being committed to just one..but that she wanted "both of those things". I don't know this..she never expressed this to me! She only told me that she was in love with me...that does not mean she is looking for 'forever' or even for a commitment. Not all women are looking for the same thing and surely, mad dear, you must know this. HOW could you possibly KNOW that she wants a "monogamous, forever relationship"? I mean ...we only began dating a few weeks ago and yes, we have spent a lot of time together and have been very intimate...but I feel just because she expressly loves me does not mean she is expecting or desiring a monogamous relationship. In fact, I am sure she is not expecting it. She knows I am not dumping J...I can't do that to him right now. She knows that I am an active bisexual and not about to change, LOL!
I am not so sure that I agree with you when you say that her "true desires and needs are different than your own". I desire to get to know her deeper, to be with her and to have her close to me. I need her in my life. I miss her when sorely she is not with me. I feel so intact and replete with her. What could be so 'different' with her needs and desires? For me to "set her free" now would be hurtful and painful to both of us. I am certain it would cause her great pain and me as well. Letting her go for good now would upset her...and what if I can't do it? what if I told you I am just not strong enough to do it.
Hi M., .. I know you wouldn't consciously want to hurt Ana, but you are not looking for forever or to even being committed to just one. She is looking for both of those things so how can she not get hurt? Being apart from you will hurt. Knowing you are making love to someone else will hurt. It is inevitable Michael. I know you want to keep seeing her and you love her, but as you have discovered about long distance affairs, I think Naomi holds great advice that perhaps it would be best to let her go when you leave. I'm sorry as I know you don't want to, but if you know you can't give her what her true heart desires of a monogamous forever relationship, then you are setting her up for greater hurt. Like J, she will say she will settle for whatever she can get, but sooner or later it won't be enough to just be getting a scrap of you here and there and her demands on you will also begin. Surely you know and recognize this on some level. I agree with J that Naomi only has Ana's best interest at heart as well. She doesn't want to see Ana getting hurt and I have no doubt she is sincere in her concern. This could end up hurting you bad as well, even worse than it would at this moment of saying goodbye to her. J's behavior is going to change on you as well if she is left in the picture. Again, two separate worlds colliding. I'm giving you my utmost honest opinion Michael, and I've done my best to leave any personal motives of my own out of this situation you are in. If she makes you happy, I want her with you, but what will be the cost in the long run? Her true desires and needs are different than your own. Would it not be a good idea to set her free so she can find that with someone who desires the same thing as her? Please don't be mad or upset with me Michael as these may be thoughts you did not want to hear, and ultimately it is just my opinion and what I foresee coming in the future for you to deal with. If you want to keep her, then perhaps you need to be willing to sacrifice J and your lifestyle so you truly can make her happy, and it would also require of you to let go of Elizabeth. Can you do all of that?
Naomi also used Elizabeth as an example to further illustrate to Ana how much of an arse I am in the area of love. She chastised Ana for the fact that we have not always used condoms (I don't know why Ana shared this with her) warning her of what happened with Liz. She also warned Ana that I could be carrying HIV (LOL!) and that she needs to demand I use a condom. Man...I think she has it in for me! She also told Ana that when we ere behind closed doors at work the other day...that everyone knew we were "shagging" and she was the but of the office gossip all day. She told Ana that "Micheal does not care about your work place reputation only that he gets to fiddle with your trousers and if everyone knows it then he doe snot care because it makes him the envy of the other blokes." Such bs! Ana was very embarrassed. I assured her that I did not have sex or heavy petting in mind when I locked my door...I only wanted to be alone and to comfort her. I said to Ana" Well did you tell her we did not have sex in my office?" Ana said yes...but then Naomi insisted that she tel her what happened...so Ana, reluctantly did (she should have told her it was not her business) and apparently Naomi is disgusted that I stroked Ana's p**** and you know what else... and thinks I am "much too pervy" for her friend. LOL! Well, I ma a pervert...that part is true! It comes with being a man!
Glad the date went well. How old is he?
Ana would not talk about it until this morning. Naomi fears that my "fast-paced and sexually open" lifestyle is in opposition to Ana's. She expressed to Ana that, in her view, my relationship w/ J is of a sexual nature only --from my end. Told Ana I was a 'lothario' and propelled by sex, LOL! She told Ana that I told her quite a bit about my escapades and conquests and that Ana best stay away from me once I leave for NY. The main reason being, according to Naomi, that I am too selfish to rid myself of J since he is so settled into the fabric of my life and that I rely on J to make my life orderly (telling her that J managed to make me dependent on him so I could not leave). She told Ana that I grow tired of my sex partners and of women in general (this is an outright lie...but obviously her perception)...and that while she (Naomi) adores me (ummm...riiiiight...) she sees me as someone who will only hurt Ana in the long run...perhaps more than her separated bf did recently. There was more crap but I can't remember. Poor Ana...I could tell she had been crying, though she denied it. I expressed my feelings in the deepest, most personal way that I could so she knew that I cared and was not using her (Oh, yes....Naomi also told Ana that she feared that she was "being used by Michael for fleshy pleasures"). So anyway...she told me all of this earlier this morning. Last night I held her and made love to her is the most sincere way that I could with the earnest affection that I felt...with deep feeling and emotion...not holding back. I guess she will have to decide how she feels about all of this. She can listen to Naomi or believe what she feels from me. I think Naomi crossed the line a bit. J thinks she only has Ana's interest at heart.
You still never answered my question as to why you think it is "inevitable' that Ana will get hurt by me. I do not plan to hurt her and if I do it will be unconsciously done. I thought leaving here without expressing to her how I feel would be hurtful. Don't you? I mean...most relationships end at some point of their own volition...and there is always soem level of hurt or pain anyway. Not everyone is looking for forever, ma dear.
What happened between Naomi and Ana that upset her so much? Is she okay?
Romeo, .. if you had been my date tonight, we would be busy rearranging some furniture in the room and leaving scratch marks in the walls! Oh and did I forget to mention we would both be naked as little baby blue jays! haha I want to tear into you and feel the passion and see the fire burning in your eyes. You would see it in mine. My God, .. watching Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp kiss got me all hot and bothered. They would make such a hot couple and you can just tell they both know how to take you to heaven with the way they kiss. Yowza! Johnny has the most amazing sexy eyes that mesmerize me and he has the perfect soothing voice tone. That was such a good movie and the ending was a surprise which was really cool. I had a good time and I'm glad I went. It isn't a love connection by any means, but he didn't try anything on me and we had good conversation. He wants to get together again sometime, so I told him when he gets the urge for dinner and a movie again to give me a call. If we can keep this platonic, I welcome him as a friend. I will try to get my courage up to call Tony some time tomorrow. Sure wish he would have called me first.