The next paragraph was too wordy. Replace "rode in a single file of silent shadows gliding" with "were silent shadows gliding." "Ungainly" and "inelegant" are telling me the same thing, as are "occasionally" and "brief." I understand and like the mood you're trying to set, but less description would be more effective.
Then the two hyenas are a mismatch to six harbingers of death, and the tension created with the first line is lost.
I liked the first sentence.
The next paragraph was too wordy. Replace "rode in a single file of silent shadows gliding" with "were silent shadows gliding." "Ungainly" and "inelegant" are telling me the same thing, as are "occasionally" and "brief." I understand and like the mood you're trying to set, but less description would be more effective.
Then the two hyenas are a mismatch to six harbingers of death, and the tension created with the first line is lost.
So, no, I didn't turn the page.