I would turn to the next page, it promises suspense. My only negative feeling is that I would hold back on the too descriptive language. Sometimes simple is best.
GeoTex - 16 years ago
-- If this is leading us to suspense/action, it is over-written. For example, leave out Appealingly, Pleasurable, Scent-Senses, Pavlovian.
-- If you are inviting us to enjoy your writing craft, the description needs more work/detail.
-- Overall, I got the impression this piece will have a cookbook plot with half hearted adjectives scattered about, so was not interested in turning the page.
I would turn to the next page, it promises suspense. My only negative feeling is that I would hold back on the too descriptive language. Sometimes simple is best.
-- If this is leading us to suspense/action, it is over-written. For example, leave out Appealingly, Pleasurable, Scent-Senses, Pavlovian.
-- If you are inviting us to enjoy your writing craft, the description needs more work/detail.
-- Overall, I got the impression this piece will have a cookbook plot with half hearted adjectives scattered about, so was not interested in turning the page.